[Should that reassure her? It is likely that some will see and have no idea what they are witnessing. And there are some, she is sure, who are familiar with her, have created some kind of idea about her, and in moments, she will have failed all of that. Her entire life has been ruled by expectations. Society's. Her queen's. Her own. The role she's been forced to place.
No one would take a military general seriously if she were as charitable as her insides may be.
His words strike true. She hardly sleeps, she thinks. Can't seem to recall when she had a full night's rest. He probably does understand. The same as likely Diluc does. Or that Eustace probably would. In a rare display of insecurity, or something very much akin to it, her fingertips tap along her teacup.
Her thoughts are everywhere. Many of them wondering how such a thing could come to pass. It may have been a blessing if this had happened so much sooner. She is almost damning that it didn't. Because at least then... At least then she could have created that distance sooner. The taste of close companionship has spoilt her.]
The conquest of Burmecia was... [Beatrix begins thoughtfully, slowly, as if she's still trying to piece it all together. Her mouth twitches, like the words just won't come out, if she even knows what she means to say.] It was something. If I start saying that the woman who led that charge was not me, it is not true. Things happened precisely as they did. I went in without question, did what was demanded of me, and felt nothing whilst doing it. As if I had never felt anything at all. They were only orders. All that mattered was what Her Majesty wanted. And I, at that time, perhaps I had no thoughts, no feelings of my own. Or perhaps I simply did not care.
[She shakes her head and she finally takes a long drink from her teacup, as though it might soothe some of the tremor in her touch.]
That Beatrix. This Beatrix. They are just the same. Inside of me somewhere must linger still that unfeeling portion. I wanted to say that I am not that same woman, but that may not be true. The only difference is that I can look at it all now with sense, with clear mind, and feel that regret. Not that my regret means anything. It does not and I know that.
no subject
No one would take a military general seriously if she were as charitable as her insides may be.
His words strike true. She hardly sleeps, she thinks. Can't seem to recall when she had a full night's rest. He probably does understand. The same as likely Diluc does. Or that Eustace probably would. In a rare display of insecurity, or something very much akin to it, her fingertips tap along her teacup.
Her thoughts are everywhere. Many of them wondering how such a thing could come to pass. It may have been a blessing if this had happened so much sooner. She is almost damning that it didn't. Because at least then... At least then she could have created that distance sooner. The taste of close companionship has spoilt her.]
The conquest of Burmecia was... [Beatrix begins thoughtfully, slowly, as if she's still trying to piece it all together. Her mouth twitches, like the words just won't come out, if she even knows what she means to say.] It was something. If I start saying that the woman who led that charge was not me, it is not true. Things happened precisely as they did. I went in without question, did what was demanded of me, and felt nothing whilst doing it. As if I had never felt anything at all. They were only orders. All that mattered was what Her Majesty wanted. And I, at that time, perhaps I had no thoughts, no feelings of my own. Or perhaps I simply did not care.
[She shakes her head and she finally takes a long drink from her teacup, as though it might soothe some of the tremor in her touch.]
That Beatrix. This Beatrix. They are just the same. Inside of me somewhere must linger still that unfeeling portion. I wanted to say that I am not that same woman, but that may not be true. The only difference is that I can look at it all now with sense, with clear mind, and feel that regret. Not that my regret means anything. It does not and I know that.