dream: i need the rest of me

[darkcharge]

Sender: Vanitas
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording | CW: choking, vomiting, drowning


It all starts at a Heart Station. Or, rather, what should be one. What should be a great structure rising from the very darkness itself, covered in stained glass is... Blank. There's nothing. No colors. No shapes or depictions of things that the heart would hold dear. Instead it's all broken. A web of shattered glass that is beyond repair - though it most certainly looks like someone has tried. Great fissures mar the surface while large pieces seem to be broken away or even missing. A coupled even seem to be floating above the station proper.

Most would be bright and shimmering to some degree, but this one doesn't. Whatever light had once been has faded. Stare long enough and there are flickers, as if there would be a short in the wiring, if this place had anything like electricity flowing through it.

At the center, of course, stands Vanitas. Whether or not this is a true depiction of his heart doesn't matter. This is how he views it. How he sees it. Longing. Anguish. Pain. So much pain. Hate. Hate hate hate.

Whole... I want to be whole. I need it. I need my -

Light. There it is. A soft ball of warmth coming from above. He looks up, of course. Because it's right there and within reach. When Vanitas moves, it's jumping from broken piece to broken piece and ready with his hand out to obtain what he desires most. What will make him complete. Whole.

Almost -

Monster

A pause. Frozen. Something like ice begins to move through his veins. No. Not here. Not now. The shadows around the Station seem to shift. Take the form of red, glowing eyes watching his every move. He knows this feeling. Knows this emotion. Terror. It's bubbling in his chest. Gipping it like a vice. Vision spins as Vanitas missteps and falls. Crashes against the glass. Tight too tight. Air. No air. Can't breathe. Terror. Horror. Fear. Anxiety. Everything hitting hard. Fast. Too much at once. Spinning. Spinning. Dizzy. Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Can't hold it in. Can't contain it. They're going to come out. They're going to break free. Then it will start all over again. And break free they do with Vanitas on his knees. Coughing and hacking. Covering his mouth because he needs to keep it all in. Emotions can't be allowed to break free of him again. Yet out it comes, Vanitas heaving and a black substance like tar splatters against the glass. Rolls down his face. And again. And again. Over and over, fire taking the place of ice. The glowing red stares all the more intense as they take shape and form. Unversed. Hundreds of them. All his own emotions grabbing and reaching.

Pulling. Tugging. Dragging further and further away from that Light. Not until they swallow Vanitas up completely. His lung burn. Fear. Terror. Pain. It's an endless cycle that he can't break free of. For the more intensely he feels those emotions, the more that he chokes and more spawn. What good did it to? To keep trying? This is the result. This is always the result. To live and to suffer. To strive and to always have it out of reach? To have hope. All of these thoughts cycle, out of control. Emotions spiraling until it's thing but a sea of black and those faces staring at him. Limbs growing tired and weak. Everything is fading. No Light. No Darkness. Just-

"V a n i t a s!"

Nothing.

Comments

[darkcharge]

Roxas. Are you seriously giving me a lecture on bonds and how I should have went about making them?

[ How did Roxas think that Vanitas collected them over time? Sora was first and while that had sort of been a "do or die" sort of moment, he would think that it is a little obvious from time to time that Sora's picked up a few traits from Vanitas. Or at least considering himself and his wants/needs a little more.

Mira had been because he couldn't think of anyone else but Mira. Lio? Well suffice to say that if Vanitas had a "best friend" then it would definitely be that blonde. So all of his bonds back in the other place had been made exactly how Roxas had described. ]

I hope you know I'm very very picky.

[twilightskey]

[Roxas lets out a sigh, pushing the remaining chocolate towards Vanitas before he shifts to get a little more comfortable.]

Sorry, I didn't mean to get all lecture-y. I'm not saying the bonds you made in Aefenglom were bad. In fact, I'm pretty sure they were good, strong connections. I'm just saying that those kinds of bonds are the kind that can repair a heart, or grow a new one where one wasn't there before. Those kind of bonds don't have to be seen as shackles.

[Roxas doesn't know the extent of Vanitas's bonds, nor the nature under which they were formed. But they were obviously true, genuine connections if they helped Vanitas out so much.]

And hey, there's nothing wrong with being picky. We can't all be like Sora and connect with everyone on every world.

[noblegarnet]

Most people don't need a reason. Even if they might not always step forward to help... the thought is there. It's nice seeing other people happy.

[It's certainly part of what motivates Ferran. But even if he might be on the far end of wanting happiness for others, especially compared to Vanitas, he knows he's not the only one who feels that way.]

It's not about owing anyone anything.

[spirialink]

[There's a pause from Kor. Those things... the Unversed. He's seen them popping off of Vanitas now and again. He's always gotten a weird feeling about them, like they're some sort of mutant Xerom. But they didn't seem to be actually dangerous or harming anybody, so he left them alone...]

Those things... They're really coming straight out of your emotions? And you can't even control it...?

[darkcharge]

Why can't it be both, huh?

[ Not that it is easy to admit... No, it's actually hard. But at the same time what's hard about it isn't actually saying it. It's saying it without seflection. ]

[darkcharge]

I can't control the fact I make them, no. If I do not force them out myself then they will come out on their own.

[darkcharge]

I suppose I'm just not ready to fully understand that one.

[ But he might. In time. Or he might not. Vanitas could go either way. But at the end of the day, not everyone matters to him. Not everyone will. So maybe it isn't really all that important to him to completely understand why people would seek the happiness of strangers.

Just him. ]

[lethechained]

It can be.

[ There's a beat before her answer, but not a long one. No hint of judgement, if such a thing can be determined from text; even when she thinks she might understand Vanitas a little, Naminé's not so egotistical as to imagine that she can predict his feelings all the time. Her pen taps once against the paper, pauses; then, ]

I guess I just didn't expect that to be the case.
Still, I'm sure you have your reasons.

[spirialink]

What... are they? I mean, why do they come out of you? What causes them?

[darkcharge]

They are negative emotions. My negative emotions.

[darkcharge]

That's the thing though, isn't it? It's not as if anyone really knows what to expect from me, right?

[spirialink]

What if... you channeled those negative emotions into dreamotion? It might be bad if you packed a lot of it into one burst, but... What if you found a way to slowly and passively let it out like that? If you're using your negative emotions in other ways, then they wouldn't be there to make more of those things with, right?

[darkcharge]

[ Wait. Why is Roxas giving him all this stupid chocolate? Vanitas eyes him warily for a moment... But he's not going to, like, give it back now. Nope. Roxas had his one chance and now it's all Vanitas'.

He does listen though, to what the other is going on about. Van breathes a little easier now that Roxas is backpedaling just a little. ]

Sometimes I think you're a little too like him yourself. Then other times you're very different.

[darkcharge]

In what form? What shape would it take? How could it be anything good?

[twilightskey]

[He's giving him the rest of the chocolate as a sort of apology for prying too hard. He does want to keep pushing at those old beliefs Vanitas has, but he also doesn't want to cross a line. And also because Vanitas probably needs it more than he does; he's had his share, and if he needs more he can bug Sora for some.]

[At those words, Roxas chuckles, offering a weak shrug.]

Well, he is my Somebody, so I guess some of his traits probably did rub off on me. But he and I are still our own people; he's got his heart, and I've got mine. Me being born from his heart doesn't change that fact.

Though, I'd like to think I have a bit more common sense than he does. [Yes, he's making a joke at Sora's expense.]

[lethechained]

[ Naminé's mouth presses more tightly closed, despite the fact that it's her hands giving too much away that she's got to worry about. ]

I can't say that I think that, exactly.
You and I have only met a few times, so of course I wouldn't always know.

[ Neglecting to tell him how much she does know might be a conscious choice, but the fact remains that he's experienced so much that she isn't aware of that it's more like meeting someone entirely new than she might have expected, if she'd ever imagined this scenario. ]

But I don't believe that there isn't anyone who understands you, or that there's no one who could if they really tried.

[ After all, weren't they just talking about who was dearest in his heart? Clearly he's managed to form some kind of bonds between the time she first heard of him and now. ]

[darkcharge]

That's not really saying much in the way of common sense. It is Sora.

[ Just throwing that out there. Sora is his boyfriend. He's allowed to tease. Vanitas breaks off more chocolate to eat. Then he rolls his eyes. ]

Though it is more accurate to say that you got more than just Sora's anything. The entire time Ventus' heart was attached to his own, after all.

[darkcharge]

"Expects." I didn't say anything about understanding, though that is a factor as well. Even after people see this entire nightmare, it's not as if they can really understand. Relate, perhaps, but not know personally.

What I meant to say is that I'm not someone that can really be considered predictable.

[spirialink]

Well, isn't that up to you and your imagination? Not everything has to be made with positive emotions, negative emotions can be just as strong.

[lethechained]

That's true.
I suppose I've always thought of them as being close to the same thing.

[ Understanding and expectation are so interconnected for Naminé that of course she'd conflate the two to some extent; she's always been required to do both together, after all. And she has more she could say about the personal aspects of that nightmare, but that's a can of worms she's reluctant to open just yet.

So she'll speak honestly where she chooses to speak at all with her, ]

No, you aren't. Not in the ways people usually are.

[ And yet there's no judgement there, either. But given what he's been saying-- ]

Do you think that that's bad?

[twilightskey]

[Roxas chuckles at that, because, well, Vanitas isn't exactly wrong. Sora's not always known for his common sense.]

Yeah, that's true. I guess we all have parts of each other that we share, don't we?

[Sora being connected to Roxas, Ventus being connected to Vanitas, Roxas being connected to Ventus... they were a bit of a hodge-podge, weren't they?]

[darkcharge]

I'm aware that they can be strong, Kor. Believe me, I know it likely more than most people here.

If it's up to my imagination, then they'll just manifest like they always do.

[darkcharge]

It doesn't really matter if I think it's bad or not. That's not a thing that bothers me.

All it means is that understanding isn't likely to come. Not easily at any rate.

[darkcharge]

[ They certainly are a strange blend of things. Vanitas huffs, a bit of a laugh. Then leans further against the couch. Still a tired. ]

Yeah, I guess.

[ He takes a bite of chocolate. ]

You're not terrible to be around either.

[twilightskey]

[Roxas blinks at Vanitas, surprised at the genuine complement. But after a moment, he grins back.]

Yeah, well...you're not too bad yourself.

[He gives him a light nudge with his foot.]

When you're not tricking people into running into garbage cans. [Said with an amused grin.]