dream: i need the rest of me

[darkcharge]

Sender: Vanitas
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording | CW: choking, vomiting, drowning


It all starts at a Heart Station. Or, rather, what should be one. What should be a great structure rising from the very darkness itself, covered in stained glass is... Blank. There's nothing. No colors. No shapes or depictions of things that the heart would hold dear. Instead it's all broken. A web of shattered glass that is beyond repair - though it most certainly looks like someone has tried. Great fissures mar the surface while large pieces seem to be broken away or even missing. A coupled even seem to be floating above the station proper.

Most would be bright and shimmering to some degree, but this one doesn't. Whatever light had once been has faded. Stare long enough and there are flickers, as if there would be a short in the wiring, if this place had anything like electricity flowing through it.

At the center, of course, stands Vanitas. Whether or not this is a true depiction of his heart doesn't matter. This is how he views it. How he sees it. Longing. Anguish. Pain. So much pain. Hate. Hate hate hate.

Whole... I want to be whole. I need it. I need my -

Light. There it is. A soft ball of warmth coming from above. He looks up, of course. Because it's right there and within reach. When Vanitas moves, it's jumping from broken piece to broken piece and ready with his hand out to obtain what he desires most. What will make him complete. Whole.

Almost -

Monster

A pause. Frozen. Something like ice begins to move through his veins. No. Not here. Not now. The shadows around the Station seem to shift. Take the form of red, glowing eyes watching his every move. He knows this feeling. Knows this emotion. Terror. It's bubbling in his chest. Gipping it like a vice. Vision spins as Vanitas missteps and falls. Crashes against the glass. Tight too tight. Air. No air. Can't breathe. Terror. Horror. Fear. Anxiety. Everything hitting hard. Fast. Too much at once. Spinning. Spinning. Dizzy. Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Can't hold it in. Can't contain it. They're going to come out. They're going to break free. Then it will start all over again. And break free they do with Vanitas on his knees. Coughing and hacking. Covering his mouth because he needs to keep it all in. Emotions can't be allowed to break free of him again. Yet out it comes, Vanitas heaving and a black substance like tar splatters against the glass. Rolls down his face. And again. And again. Over and over, fire taking the place of ice. The glowing red stares all the more intense as they take shape and form. Unversed. Hundreds of them. All his own emotions grabbing and reaching.

Pulling. Tugging. Dragging further and further away from that Light. Not until they swallow Vanitas up completely. His lung burn. Fear. Terror. Pain. It's an endless cycle that he can't break free of. For the more intensely he feels those emotions, the more that he chokes and more spawn. What good did it to? To keep trying? This is the result. This is always the result. To live and to suffer. To strive and to always have it out of reach? To have hope. All of these thoughts cycle, out of control. Emotions spiraling until it's thing but a sea of black and those faces staring at him. Limbs growing tired and weak. Everything is fading. No Light. No Darkness. Just-

"V a n i t a s!"

Nothing.

Comments

Sender: Eizen

[tailsneverfails]

[ Shudders

He couldn't feel what the kid felt, but in a way he felt like he could. All those emotions bubbling about, all those fears coming out in a more physical sense??? He didn't quite understand what he saw, but those feelings, they felt so... suffocating in a way and he only watched it happen.

Should he reach out? The kid would probably get annoyed if he did, if he even woke up from such a thing... Ultimately he decides to write to him. At least that way he won't have to deal with Eizen's voice bothering him.]

C'mon kid. You can handle more than that, can't you?

[darkcharge]

[ It takes some time to actually respond to anything. The voice right at the end had been Sora's attempting to cut through whatever nightmare he had perceived Vanitas to be having.

And then some time taken to calm down. It's worse now, really. Because the scene of spewing out Unversed is a reality for him again. Emotions too strong and demanding to crawl out of him instead of being contained.

But when he does answer, he hopes that the message is conveyed with as much venom as possible: ]

Mind your own business.

[tailsneverfails]

Kinda feels like it is my business now.

Sender: Noel Vermillion

[bulletic]

[ The dream hits close to home. Hard. All this fear, pain, hate ─ watching this unfold, she can feel all those emotions crawling under her skin even now. The feeling of being torn apart. Incomplete. Missing a piece of herself. Desperately searching for a way to pull the parts of herself together, only to be denied at the end. Over and over and over again.

She thought no one could possibly understand what it's like; no, it's more that she hoped no one has ever experienced something like that. It's too much. So much so that she has ended up running away from it on more than one occasion, and while she might hate herself for doing so, she wouldn't blame anyone else for doing the same in her place.

... And knowing all that only makes it harder to say anything. What is she even supposed to write? Nothing she approaches the dreamer with could possibly soothe that pain, or bring any relief.

But it won't stop Noel from trying. ]

I'm sorry.

[ It's... not much, but there's a lot behind it: "sorry you've been through something like this". "Sorry you're forced to go through these feelings again".

"Sorry I can't help," too. ]

[darkcharge]

[ It should be pretty obvious, but this entire thing is sensitive. It's not something he talks about to people and it most certainly hadn't really been intended to come out in the open.

So if Vani is feeling snappish and defensive, well. This makes sense, right? ]

I don't need your pity.

[ And he knows better than that by now. He does. Not all sympathies expressed are out of anything other than that. Sympathy. A lack of knowing what to say.

But old habits and mindsets, you know. ]

[bulletic]

[ This isn't a surprise at all; in fact, Noel figures she deserves to be told off for trying to get involved in something so private. That's why she doesn't hold it against him, nor does she feel attacked in any way. Still, she needs to clarify what she was trying to convey (provided she can figure it out herself first). ]

That's not what I meant! It's just

[ Her writing stops abruptly for a moment as she makes a pause to mull over her wording. There's a lot she wants to say, and perhaps even more she doesn't want to, but most importantly, she wants to let him know she's not looking down on him. ]

We can't help that our dreams end up recorded and shown to others, but some of them are not something that strangers should see... so I apologize for watching it.

[ There. It's a start, at least. ]

Sender: Roxas

[twilightskey]

[A chill goes down Roxas's spine as he observes the nightmare. It's unsettling, and makes his stomach churn to see Vanitas in so much pain. So much emotion bubbling out, painfully bursting forward... was this what Vanitas felt? He knew how messy emotions were, how unfamiliar one could feel about one's heart. But feeling so much pain like that? It makes his own heart ache.]

[He might not want to be spoken to right now, but Roxas can't help himself from reaching for his journal.]

Vanitas?

[darkcharge]

[ It's true. Vanitas absolutely doesn't want to talk. At least not about this nonsense. Not about some stupid nightmare that doesn't really mean anything at all... ]

What

[twilightskey]

[Oh yeah, he can tell. But he's stubborn, not unlike Sora in a way. And Vanitas, as prickly as he was, was still a friend. So he persists.]

Come meet me outside.

On that deck where I showed you my skateboard.

Sender: Hilda

[indolentaxe]

[Wow. Um. That was a lot.

She knew that Vanitas has his rougher edges, but she certainly didn't expect the sort kind of existential darkness that makes her skin crawl. It's a feeling she's entirely unfamiliar with, and after seeing the dream she actually leaves the whole thing along for an entire day, hemming and hawing over what she should say, before she finally responds.]

You okay?

[darkcharge]

[ Best part is that it's not even purely existential! 8D What happens after he wakes up is not too dissimilar from what happens in the nightmare! ]

Just peachy. Never better.

[indolentaxe]

[That's worse!!!!!!]

Okay, I'll admit that was a stupid question.

Is there anything I can do? That dream the other day was pretty rough.

sender: lio

[piromare]

( there are tears in his eyes. moments like these... nightmares like these? trying to process what he's watched is too difficult. some things feel too fast while others are too slow; van's desires are blatantly obvious but would be even clearer if they still had that bond. perhaps he would feel it almost too much? but he would prefer that over the possibility of being wrong. to make van recoil and bottle it up, hide and conceal.

it takes him some time to open his journal, write what he feels. )

I'm glad he's there.

[darkcharge]

[ You know Lio... That's probably the best thing to say in this situation. Not pointing out things that he already knows. Or trying to make him feel better. Because he's not going to feel better. ]

The idiot puts up with too much. If I'm being honest.

[piromare]

You're right.

( and lio is able to laugh, mostly to himself. )

You're a lot to handle, but he looks like he manages well enough.

sender: Shu☆zo

[galacticstar]

[He was a bit shocked to see the dream, but... Not everyone has what they want or need. This much hate shouldn't be in anyone, no matter who they are.]

This was terrible to watch, I guess even more so to dream it, but I hope you can recover from it.

[darkcharge]

[ Oh but there is. Plenty of it that just won't go away ]

Then don't watch it and you won't be bothered.

sender: Ferran

[noblegarnet]

[Ferran can only stand to watch so much of the nightmare before he pulls away from the lantern, and he's certainly not going to shove himself into the situation when Vanitas has to be feeling raw. The intrusions into his own dream only a few short days ago has left him particularly sensitive to the idea. These are private thoughts and feelings, and Vanitas deserves to have the space to address them on his own first. On his own terms.

It's hard enough being broken into pieces and still having all of them—but this? He's starting to understand the struggle his friend made of darkness must have been dealing with, even if just a little.

What Ferran will do, though, an hour or two later, is send him a message.]

Are you home right now?

[darkcharge]

[ Which he won't. Address them, that is. This is one of the areas that Sora or Mira or anyone else has really been able to change his perspective on. He genuinely believes that his goals are out of reach.

Maybe for good this time. ]

Well I'm not going to go out in the middle of the night or whatever.

Yes, I'm home.

action;

[oathkeeper]

Vanitas!

[In the soft wake of the morning Sora shakes Vanitas awake. There's something cold in the air, maybe the chill of the morning winter or the snow slowly falling outside. Or maybe it's the way Sora's desperation echoes in his chest as he tries to wake Vanitas up. He's sleeping heavily but there's something wrong. Something deep and heavy that's contorting Vanitas' features. And Sora can't seem to wake him up.]

Vanitas, please! Wake up, you're having a nightmare!

[Dream recordings are vivid and bright, burning into Sora's own dreams like a burn across the skin. He can feel that something has made Vanitas dream of the worst things and he has to do something to reach out and bring him back. Please wake up. He's right here.]

[darkcharge]

[ It's only the sound of Sora's voice that seems to reach. Even as heavily into the nightmare as he had been, it can still be heard. At least their connection still remains strong enough for this. Even if it takes awhile, it still works.

As soon as his eyes do snap open, he's scrambling. Rushing to get out of the bed and into the restroom. Sora and Vanitas have done this dance so many times before. Because the only thing that has a hold of him right now are his own emotions. Residual feelings left over by the nightmare but still so powerful he can't shake them.

And he hates it. He hates that Sora's going to have to pick up the pieces. Again. ]

Sender: Kor Meteor

[spirialink]

[Kor has seen some vivid, even haunting nightmares during his time here, but there was something about Vanitas' nightmare that really stuck with him. Even though it wasn't his own, the imagery there, the feelings it invoked... It's something that lingered in his mind long after it had already passed.]

Vanitas...

[He couldn't understand the intricacies of what Vanitas was feeling here, but he did have some understanding of why.]

[darkcharge]

[ Well to be fair, he wondered when this one would be coming. Kor might as well be considered one of Sora's shared braincells at this point - for how similar they are and how well they get on. ]

Don't start. I don't need or want people feeling BAD for me.

Sender: Naminé

[lethechained]

[ What is there to say, after a nightmare like that? Naminé knows she's not in any position to speak up, no matter how plainly she recognized the author of the dream from the very beginning. Despite the depth of her awareness, admitting as much to Vanitas himself - that she was familiar with his existence before their paths ever crossed, that she has some inkling of what he's been through - seems as though it would do more harm than good. It doesn't take much for her to imagine how displeased he probably is to have shared this much by accident as it is; he's never seemed the sort who's willing to open up to strangers. Or to people who aren't strangers, for that matter, and Naminé doesn't count herself as much more than one, from his perspective.

But she can't just roll over and go back to sleep as if nothing happened. Still clutching her lantern, the dim glow illuminating her frowning face in the dark, she hesitates.

When her message finally comes, it's a little later than the others. If she expressed her sympathies in as many words, she suspects they would meet with rejection, much less do any good - so there are no words. Instead, there's only a single line, gradually forming into a circle. Then, more circles, contained with in the first. Lines patiently begin to divide them into smaller, neat portions that are as close to regular as she can manage.

Is she... drawing a Station platform? ]

[darkcharge]

[ It's true. Vanitas still doesn't do well with words of sympathy. It's hard for him to let go of that fact that people can express such thing and not actually tie it in with things like pity. Or people looking down on him because of it. If anything Vanitas doesn't like to acknowledge moments of weakness, even if he knows that people have them and that doesn't necessarily make them weak.

But this is... Interesting too? He's not sure what he's seeing on the page? ]