dream: i need the rest of me

[darkcharge]

Sender: Vanitas
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording | CW: choking, vomiting, drowning


It all starts at a Heart Station. Or, rather, what should be one. What should be a great structure rising from the very darkness itself, covered in stained glass is... Blank. There's nothing. No colors. No shapes or depictions of things that the heart would hold dear. Instead it's all broken. A web of shattered glass that is beyond repair - though it most certainly looks like someone has tried. Great fissures mar the surface while large pieces seem to be broken away or even missing. A coupled even seem to be floating above the station proper.

Most would be bright and shimmering to some degree, but this one doesn't. Whatever light had once been has faded. Stare long enough and there are flickers, as if there would be a short in the wiring, if this place had anything like electricity flowing through it.

At the center, of course, stands Vanitas. Whether or not this is a true depiction of his heart doesn't matter. This is how he views it. How he sees it. Longing. Anguish. Pain. So much pain. Hate. Hate hate hate.

Whole... I want to be whole. I need it. I need my -

Light. There it is. A soft ball of warmth coming from above. He looks up, of course. Because it's right there and within reach. When Vanitas moves, it's jumping from broken piece to broken piece and ready with his hand out to obtain what he desires most. What will make him complete. Whole.

Almost -

Monster

A pause. Frozen. Something like ice begins to move through his veins. No. Not here. Not now. The shadows around the Station seem to shift. Take the form of red, glowing eyes watching his every move. He knows this feeling. Knows this emotion. Terror. It's bubbling in his chest. Gipping it like a vice. Vision spins as Vanitas missteps and falls. Crashes against the glass. Tight too tight. Air. No air. Can't breathe. Terror. Horror. Fear. Anxiety. Everything hitting hard. Fast. Too much at once. Spinning. Spinning. Dizzy. Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Can't hold it in. Can't contain it. They're going to come out. They're going to break free. Then it will start all over again. And break free they do with Vanitas on his knees. Coughing and hacking. Covering his mouth because he needs to keep it all in. Emotions can't be allowed to break free of him again. Yet out it comes, Vanitas heaving and a black substance like tar splatters against the glass. Rolls down his face. And again. And again. Over and over, fire taking the place of ice. The glowing red stares all the more intense as they take shape and form. Unversed. Hundreds of them. All his own emotions grabbing and reaching.

Pulling. Tugging. Dragging further and further away from that Light. Not until they swallow Vanitas up completely. His lung burn. Fear. Terror. Pain. It's an endless cycle that he can't break free of. For the more intensely he feels those emotions, the more that he chokes and more spawn. What good did it to? To keep trying? This is the result. This is always the result. To live and to suffer. To strive and to always have it out of reach? To have hope. All of these thoughts cycle, out of control. Emotions spiraling until it's thing but a sea of black and those faces staring at him. Limbs growing tired and weak. Everything is fading. No Light. No Darkness. Just-

"V a n i t a s!"

Nothing.

Comments

[darkcharge]

[ He's tired, Sora. So so tired at this point. ]

Dunno. Maybe some stuff's been on my mind.

[ Who knows why nightmares or dreams happen. But Vanitas doesn't really want to tell Sora that it's been on his mind more lately. Not after their conversation about holding out for the future.

This is why it's so hard to. Because he feels like the closer he gets, the more he just gets pulled down. ]

[oathkeeper]

[Sora wants to push for more. He wants to know what that stuff is on Vanitas' mind. Would the other be upset if he did ask him to talk about it? He turns his head to bury his nose into Vanitas' hair.]

You have to keep breathing.

[lethechained]

[ It's not hard to understand why someone who had to hold strong against so much for so long, whose whole existence has been pain largely unabated by kindness or caring, would have a hard time allowing themselves to be vulnerable. Would have a hard time understanding the way others feel toward them, for that matter - so Naminé just keeps on drawing.

The segmented circles become more separate pieces for a while, and then once she's satisfied with the results, the girl starts to add a figure to the center. It's not hard to tell who it is as the features come together; she's familiar enough to draw a pretty good likeness of Vanitas himself, after all. Not sleeping, this time, or recumbent - but awake. With the sketch of him in place, she adds more circles, tucked in behind him with neat lines. Her pen taps a moment, almost thoughtfully, and then - a smaller image of Sora follows, fitted carefully into one of the circles behind Vanitas. The others are temporarily left blank.

Because she can only assume so much, after all. Following a good few minutes of drawing, there's a moment's pause, and then she finally writes underneath it the first words she's offered this whole time, which are, ]

Who else should be here?

[darkcharge]

Trying.

[ Sora would be upset, he knows. To have Vanitas obsess over the fact he feels like he does. the brat would try to encourage him. Lift him up. Be there for him in the way that Sora always stupidly is.

Vanitas doesn't say much. Instead fingers grip onto Sora's shirt a little too tightly and his face remains buried in the other's neck. This time when Vanitas' breath stutters...

It comes with something hot and wet against Sora's skin. ]

[darkcharge]

[ He keeps watching, of course. Vanitas is still sitting at home, not really feeling up to venturing out. The moments after the nightmare still took a toll on his body. It's exhausted and aching. So this is actually holding his attention as he keeps to himself. A drawing, but he can discern its meaning...

Until he sees himself. Until the circles are drawn and Sora is also making an appearance in this paper. Vanitas gets it. He immediately knows what it is the girl is trying to do. His reaction is that he wants to rip it to shreds. Call her out for mocking him -

But he knows. He knows that's not what she's doing and it makes his face grow hot. Embarrassment. Anger from being embarrassed and then other emotions all tangling themselves up inside.

Who else should be there. In other words asking "who else is important to you, Vanitas." ]

Mira, but you couldn't have come across her here. Or anywhere. Lio. He's here.

[ Yona. Ferran had started to make a place for himself. Hades too, but things had been tense there for a while before Vanitas found himself here. ]

[oathkeeper]

[How can he not try to lift up Vanitas after such a painful set of memories etching across his dreams? Sora can relate. He knows what that feeling is like to be falling deep down into the vast darkness and feeling like everything is shattering into pieces. He knows it's not exactly the same sort of feeling that Vanitas is having. But he aches to see it. He doesn't want Vanitas to hurt.

It takes a moment for Sora to realize what that hot wet is on his skin. He doesn't say anything for a moment and only pulls Vanitas closer in a tight hug. Holding on just like he wants to hold onto this boy without letting go. No matter what it takes.

He thinks... he really would rip out his heart and give it to Vanitas if it came down to that.]

I know it hurts. It's going to be alright.

[Just let him say it.]

[darkcharge]

[ The real problem is that he doesn't want to feel this way. Doesn't want to feel weak. Not vulnerable. Not small and pathetic and out of control of his own emotions right now. Yes, it all hurts. The hurt and the pain is nothing new. The tiredness he feels revolving around this isn't either. Vanitas is just so tired and exhausted of all of these things happening over and over again with no real end in sight.

To have a moment - a year and a half at least - without that pain. Without having to worry about what his own emotions would do to him. Knowing that his heart was being healed. To have that all and then to end up here where everything just gets thrown back in his face.

It's just the real breaking moment right now. Vanitas has hinted at it. Hasn't really talked about it or allowed himself to actually process and feel all of that frustration. So now it's just. Coming out. All of it. ]

[lethechained]

[ At first, Naminé isn't certain whether he's seen it - or even whether he would want to. At best, he might ignore it if it displeases him; at worst, she imagines she'll hear of it if he wants the drawing removed and never spoken of again. It feels a little like a risk, but she supposes she isn't risking much when they've only met a few times face to face. So long as his relationships with those closest to him remain intact, she's content to be an outsider if her presence is unwelcome.

In the end, his response is about the most agreeable she could have hoped. (Would have been easier if she recognized the names, though.) Tucking her teeth lightly against her lip, the girl pauses, then elects to hold back the, 'I'm sorry,' she might otherwise have prefaced her response with. ]

You're right. I don't think I've met either of those people before.

[ Which presents something of a problem. Another few seconds of consideration pass, and then, ]

Do you want to add them yourself?

[ Would that be more meaningful? Naminé isn't sure, but she'd also rather not ask anything of him at a time like this even if it's in an attempt to help him. Delving into his memories doesn't really seem like an option, either, whether or not it were to turn out that she still can. Then again, there's always another possibility: ]

Or would you rather describe them to me?

[piromare]

Heh. Okay! I won't. Don't worry, my lips are sealed.

[ no betrayal. unless it's the kind of betrayal that's more or less innocent. sort of like this situation right here...! c: ]

Really? Well... I can say the same exact thing. Only, you look really tired and exasperated. Maybe a little worried if I squint?

[darkcharge]

[ LIO NO ]

I'm tired and exasperated right now. What's that tell you?

[darkcharge]

I mean if you're going to disturb my peace then you should at least bring some sort of offering.

So yes.

[spirialink]

Yeah, loads of times. Why?

[He doesn't see being "weird" as a bad thing.]

[oathkeeper]

[This wouldn't be the first time that Sora has seen Vanitas break down like this before. All those times in the past where they've stayed curled up together holding each other tightly while trying to get through a painful or rough night. He knows that Vanitas doesn't like feeling this way, who does, but it's better to let it all out than to let it keep plaguing his dreams so he can't sleep or worse.

He doesn't say anything for a moment. Only pulling Vanitas tight and letting him get out as much of the crying as he wants to do right now. Hands comforting over his arms and shoulders and back to try to remind Vanitas that he's right here. Take all the time needed to just cry before working out the rest of it.

One thing at a time...]

[piromare]

That you deserve to rest well, knowing you have friends watching. Strong friends, I might add.

Sora could probably beat me up with how kind he is.

[darkcharge]

[ It's a fair thing to think, really. That Vanitas doesn't want to look. He wouldn't take to it well. Vanitas may misunderstand or become further enraged or whatever emotion that he could feel upon seeing something that.

Well.

He doesn't actually have. Not like the others anyway. Yet he responds anyway and provides an actual answer. Vanitas knows that the spaces won't be filled in but that doesn't matter. It's from a lack of knowing, not from a lack of willingness on the other girl's part. He's come to learn that, sometimes, it's just the effort that means something. ]

Don't worry about it. It's not like I can draw.

[ In other words, he's saying that it's fine like this. He would rather them be blank and know what is supposed to be there instead of getting it wrong. That would almost feel like an insult to those people. At least that's what Vanitas is thinking. ]

You didn't have to even go this far.

[tailsneverfails]

I mean it's not like I can read your mind. I guess it's more of a feelin' I have. Man's intuition that you're talkin' about a someone instead of yourself.

No judgement, as long as you've found somethin' to live for and you live for what you wanna live for.

[darkcharge]

What I just said wasn't supposed to be taken as some sort of complement. Yet that's where your brain goes first.

[darkcharge]

[ It's a couple of minutes. Partially because he's too exhausted to last longer than that and also because he can't really let himself get swallowed up by his own feelings of hopelessness. If he does, Vanitas is going to fall into the cycle again. So he has to pull himself together, at least in part. He can't keep on allowing himself to feel like this.

That's why his shakes gradually stop. Breathing evens out. There's dried tears on his face and clinging to lashes but he doesn't care. He'll have to wash his face again. That's all that it means. ]

I hate this...

[darkcharge]

Lio. I'm pretty sure that you can't beat up someone with kindness. That wouldn't make it kind anymore?

[spirialink]

Wait really? Then how was I supposed to take it?

[You can just imagine the face Kor is making right now while he tries to make sense of this.]

[oathkeeper]

[He won't pester too much about the details. Since they've been down this road before of darkness and fading hope and unsure futures. Internal fears are another thing and Sora can practically feel those things seeping out of Vanitas even if there is no magical bond. The shaking, the tears, the ache of the dream...

He scoops Vanitas closer and buries his nose in his hair in a rough nuzzle and cuddle. Trying to ease up on the exhaustion with his own subtle comfort of being close.]

I know. But crying isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it feels good to let it out and then figure out the rest after that.

[darkcharge]

Right now it is someone that's not myself. At least when we're talking about motivation.

He's the one that keep thinking that things will be different. Maybe if he is the one wishing for it, then that wish will come true.

[tailsneverfails]

A pure hearted sort, huh... I know the type.

[darkcharge]

Annoyed. You're supposed to be just a little annoyed.

[darkcharge]

M'not talking about the crying, Sora.

[ Vanitas licks his lips. Chest feeling unbearably tight again. Sora doesn't know anymore. Can't feel the emotional turmoil that Vanitas has been in for months now. ]

This. Here. I know what you said about -

[ And he's coughing because his throat is raw and sticking together. It kind of hurts to speak. But he's trying. ]

Steps back and forward. It just feels like I've lost the chance to get what I want. Again.

[ How many times much he endure literal heartbreak? ]