dream: i need the rest of me

[darkcharge]

Sender: Vanitas
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording | CW: choking, vomiting, drowning


It all starts at a Heart Station. Or, rather, what should be one. What should be a great structure rising from the very darkness itself, covered in stained glass is... Blank. There's nothing. No colors. No shapes or depictions of things that the heart would hold dear. Instead it's all broken. A web of shattered glass that is beyond repair - though it most certainly looks like someone has tried. Great fissures mar the surface while large pieces seem to be broken away or even missing. A coupled even seem to be floating above the station proper.

Most would be bright and shimmering to some degree, but this one doesn't. Whatever light had once been has faded. Stare long enough and there are flickers, as if there would be a short in the wiring, if this place had anything like electricity flowing through it.

At the center, of course, stands Vanitas. Whether or not this is a true depiction of his heart doesn't matter. This is how he views it. How he sees it. Longing. Anguish. Pain. So much pain. Hate. Hate hate hate.

Whole... I want to be whole. I need it. I need my -

Light. There it is. A soft ball of warmth coming from above. He looks up, of course. Because it's right there and within reach. When Vanitas moves, it's jumping from broken piece to broken piece and ready with his hand out to obtain what he desires most. What will make him complete. Whole.

Almost -

Monster

A pause. Frozen. Something like ice begins to move through his veins. No. Not here. Not now. The shadows around the Station seem to shift. Take the form of red, glowing eyes watching his every move. He knows this feeling. Knows this emotion. Terror. It's bubbling in his chest. Gipping it like a vice. Vision spins as Vanitas missteps and falls. Crashes against the glass. Tight too tight. Air. No air. Can't breathe. Terror. Horror. Fear. Anxiety. Everything hitting hard. Fast. Too much at once. Spinning. Spinning. Dizzy. Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Can't hold it in. Can't contain it. They're going to come out. They're going to break free. Then it will start all over again. And break free they do with Vanitas on his knees. Coughing and hacking. Covering his mouth because he needs to keep it all in. Emotions can't be allowed to break free of him again. Yet out it comes, Vanitas heaving and a black substance like tar splatters against the glass. Rolls down his face. And again. And again. Over and over, fire taking the place of ice. The glowing red stares all the more intense as they take shape and form. Unversed. Hundreds of them. All his own emotions grabbing and reaching.

Pulling. Tugging. Dragging further and further away from that Light. Not until they swallow Vanitas up completely. His lung burn. Fear. Terror. Pain. It's an endless cycle that he can't break free of. For the more intensely he feels those emotions, the more that he chokes and more spawn. What good did it to? To keep trying? This is the result. This is always the result. To live and to suffer. To strive and to always have it out of reach? To have hope. All of these thoughts cycle, out of control. Emotions spiraling until it's thing but a sea of black and those faces staring at him. Limbs growing tired and weak. Everything is fading. No Light. No Darkness. Just-

"V a n i t a s!"

Nothing.

Comments

[oathkeeper]

[He lets out a small laugh and curls his hand back into Vanitas' hair. Good, he'll accept this koala bear boy.]

If you're stuck in a nightmare again, that you'll try to think of a good memory you've had instead.

[darkcharge]

Try and think of a good memory?

[ In the heat of the moment, is that possible? Can it be that easy? Sora makes it sound easy... ]

Is it possible? To be so lucid that I could come up with something like that?

[darkcharge]

Maybe I do Kor.

What of it?

[darkcharge]

And you're not? Not human?

[darkcharge]

Don't remind me. How you two always seem to be able to catch me right before I go off somewhere is just weird.

[darkcharge]

Just what does this "best self" look like?

[darkcharge]

The repairing of my heart had been done through the bonds that I had. Those bonds had started to fill in the cracks and holes in my own heart. Without them, I am at a standstill. To be honest, I don't even know what the state of my heart had been before coming here. So I have no way to compare it.

[ In the end, it's an "all or nothing" sort of thing for Vanitas. Either his heart is repaired and light given to fix the fissures or it's nothing at all... ]

[lethechained]

[ There were a lot of things that Naminé made peace with, once upon a time. Sad things, unpleasant realities that seemed like they'd never change - ones she's still in the process of beginning to see in a different way. Vanitas lived that cold, futureless life longer than she did; it only makes sense that he'd have an even harder time adjusting to a new one. And then there's the constant issue of uncertainty in a place like this, of never knowing where you'll wake up the next morning - if there'll be a morning at all, and who else might still be around the next time you check. ]

I think a lot of us feel that way.
Around here, nothing is ever for sure.

[ Yet it's worse for some of them than for others, depending on what they supposedly have to go back to. For Vanitas... well, his future might not be as promising as her own, although she's neglected to ask anyone about it so far. Perhaps she ought to have, she thinks, and promptly decides not to ask him. (At least not right now.) ]

But everything comes to an end eventually.
Whether that's tomorrow, or the day after, or years from now, I think maybe the best anyone can do is to appreciate what they have while it's there.
At least for now, there's something to hold onto.

[ At least for now, neither of them are alone. ]

[twilightskey]

[Roxas hums a little, nodding slowly. He remembers Mira. Though not as close to her as Sora or Vanitas was, he remembers meeting her once. She had seemed nice in her own way, and he could see how Vanitas would find a friend in her.]

Do you... want to talk through it? If not, that's okay, but...

[He asks it carefully, glancing at Vanitas as he does. He knows he can't replace Mira, and he doesn't want to attempt to do so. But he wonders if talking it through would be good for Vanitas. If Vanitas didn't want to, he won't push, but he wants to at least let the other know that the offer is there, if he needs it.]

[piromare]

Weird! It's almost like we all have some kind of bond. Or some other mutual desire of some kind.

[spirialink]

I knew it!

[Was Vanitas messing with him, or was he being serious here. In many circumstances it was probably the former, that's usually how Vanitas worked, but Kor always chooses to believe it's the latter, and now it's no different.]

Well, just you watch! We'll blow you away with what we can do when we get down to it!

[tailsneverfails]

Aye, I'm not. I'm what you would call a Malakhim.

[ oh right. He might not have heard that term before though... ]

basically I'm a being that was born from a particularly potent magical part of land.

[noblegarnet]

[Bonds... bonds. The word means something more than just a relationship or a connection, doesn't it? The haziness of that definition isn't going to clear up just yet, but one thing is clear:]

That's fucking stupid.

[How is that fair? What gets to define Vanitas's heart other than the young man himself? What gives it the right? But even the emergence of Ferran's old righteous frustration can't erase the knowledge and experience that nothing in life is fair.

His grip tightens around the mug in his hands.]

[darkcharge]

I never said that I wasn't waiting around for you all to prove me wrong.

[ Because he has, of course. Vanitas wants to see what they are capable of. To prove him wrong. To prove him right. He's not sure which, really.

Maybe that's what actual HOPE feels like. A seed of it, anyway. ]

[darkcharge]

Yeah? You don't say?

[ Actually this is helping him. Making him feel better. Normal. ]

What sort of "mutual desire" would that be?

[darkcharge]

I think... You already sort of saw what the problem was. What it still is, Roxas.

[ That he's still only a partial being. That ever time he feels like he is about to be close to obtaining what he wants, it gets yanked away from him. Then Vanitas gets swallowed up again.

He huffs. Then takes a deep breath. ]

They'll come whether or not I want to make them. They force their way out, you see. I haven't had to deal with it in a while.

[darkcharge]

I'm not arguing the fact that things come to an end. Everything does, yes. It's just that things have to actually have a beginning, a start, to run a course until their end.

[ Vanitas doesn't feel like he has had even that. Maybe a little, though. ]

Something temporary isn't enough. I don't want to settle for what I have just in this moment. I want this moment and then the next one. Then the next one as well.

[oathkeeper]

I think so. Dreams are made up of what is in our heads so why couldn't you try to change a nightmare to make it into what you want?

[In a dreamy world like this too it doesn't seem like that farfetched of an idea. Right?]

[darkcharge]

Make it into what I want. Sora, that implies that I really know what I would want.

[ He huffs and bites at Sora's shoulder. ]

The only consistent thing is obviously you.

[ Wow. Isn't that something of a "I want you" admission? ]

[indolentaxe]

Confident! Marianne is such a shrinking violet, she needs to believe that she's actually worth something, you know? So I try to build her up.

[piromare]

To bully you, of course.

[oathkeeper]

[He has to take the moment to slide in a little playful comment. Hoping to ease the heaviness of the night with something silly. But true.]

Then try to dream about me coming to rescue you like a dashing prince!

[spirialink]

[Was that Vanitas placing his hopes on them? Kor was taking it that way at least.]

I won't let you down. We won't let you down.

[It's hard to express tone and intent via text, but the difference still makes itself known here, not just confidence like his last message, but a sincere and fervent desire to actually be of help here.]

[darkcharge]

[ There's a pause. Vanitas blinks. Whatever depression or exhaustion he might have been feeling goes out the window. He pushes himself upright. Leans back.

Squints at Sora with an "ew" expression. ]

I am not anything close to a princess.

[oathkeeper]

[Sora snorts with laughter and winks at the other. Letting the other sit up and he just looks smug up at the other boy.]

Uh-huh. Sure you aren't.