dreamcrystals | dream: i need the rest of me

Entry tags:

sora

dream: i need the rest of me

Sender: Vanitas
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording | CW: choking, vomiting, drowning

It all starts at a Heart Station. Or, rather, what should be one. What should be a great structure rising from the very darkness itself, covered in stained glass is... Blank. There's nothing. No colors. No shapes or depictions of things that the heart would hold dear. Instead it's all broken. A web of shattered glass that is beyond repair - though it most certainly looks like someone has tried. Great fissures mar the surface while large pieces seem to be broken away or even missing. A coupled even seem to be floating above the station proper.

Most would be bright and shimmering to some degree, but this one doesn't. Whatever light had once been has faded. Stare long enough and there are flickers, as if there would be a short in the wiring, if this place had anything like electricity flowing through it.

At the center, of course, stands Vanitas. Whether or not this is a true depiction of his heart doesn't matter. This is how he views it. How he sees it. Longing. Anguish. Pain. So much pain. Hate. Hate hate hate.

Whole... I want to be whole. I need it. I need my -

Light. There it is. A soft ball of warmth coming from above. He looks up, of course. Because it's right there and within reach. When Vanitas moves, it's jumping from broken piece to broken piece and ready with his hand out to obtain what he desires most. What will make him complete. Whole.

Almost -

Monster

A pause. Frozen. Something like ice begins to move through his veins. No. Not here. Not now. The shadows around the Station seem to shift. Take the form of red, glowing eyes watching his every move. He knows this feeling. Knows this emotion. Terror. It's bubbling in his chest. Gipping it like a vice. Vision spins as Vanitas missteps and falls. Crashes against the glass. Tight too tight. Air. No air. Can't breathe. Terror. Horror. Fear. Anxiety. Everything hitting hard. Fast. Too much at once. Spinning. Spinning. Dizzy. Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Can't hold it in. Can't contain it. They're going to come out. They're going to break free. Then it will start all over again. And break free they do with Vanitas on his knees. Coughing and hacking. Covering his mouth because he needs to keep it all in. Emotions can't be allowed to break free of him again. Yet out it comes, Vanitas heaving and a black substance like tar splatters against the glass. Rolls down his face. And again. And again. Over and over, fire taking the place of ice. The glowing red stares all the more intense as they take shape and form. Unversed. Hundreds of them. All his own emotions grabbing and reaching.

Pulling. Tugging. Dragging further and further away from that Light. Not until they swallow Vanitas up completely. His lung burn. Fear. Terror. Pain. It's an endless cycle that he can't break free of. For the more intensely he feels those emotions, the more that he chokes and more spawn. What good did it to? To keep trying? This is the result. This is always the result. To live and to suffer. To strive and to always have it out of reach? To have hope. All of these thoughts cycle, out of control. Emotions spiraling until it's thing but a sea of black and those faces staring at him. Limbs growing tired and weak. Everything is fading. No Light. No Darkness. Just-

"V a n i t a s!"

Nothing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Which he won't. Address them, that is. This is one of the areas that Sora or Mira or anyone else has really been able to change his perspective on. He genuinely believes that his goals are out of reach.

Maybe for good this time. ]

Well I'm not going to go out in the middle of the night or whatever.

Yes, I'm home.

[He won't find any challenge to that idea from Ferran; he's come to accept his own future for the hopeless situation that it is, and he's not likely to push optimism on anyone else when it comes to their own home.

Here, though...]

You never know. Sometimes people need to take a walk or something.

[He makes no assumptions!]

I'm coming over.

What I'd like to do isn't something that's acceptable.

[ As in beat someone bloody and senseless. Until they're in as much pain as he's been.

But then there's the other message and he's just - ]

Why?

[You've just given him more reason to come over, Vanitas.]

Because my friend obviously needs either a better way to vent or a distraction. Or both.

[Is he walking and writing? Possibly.]

Is this one of those things that is going to happen no matter what?

You're getting smarter.

[He will, at least, grant Vanitas the courtesy of knocking once he gets there.]

[ Augh. ]

Just come in then. I don't feel like getting up.

[ His throat and chest hurt. ]

Edited 2022-01-09 05:44 (UTC)

You got it.

[Ferran isn't entirely sure if anyone else is in the place, but he stays relatively quiet as he steps in, regardless. That said, he doesn't immediately head to wherever he might find Vanitas, instead going to the kitchen to make some tea and making just enough noise that it's clear he's up to something there.

Whether the house actually has tea is irrelevant; he's capable of conjuring up some on his own. Two different blends, if he can't find anything in the cabinets, to account for taste.]

[ Couch! Vanitas definitely is there on the couch, huddled up with blankets.

And don't worry. There is tea in the kitchen available. Mira always had tea available and so Vanitas does as well. Well Tea for him and Sora. ]

You don't need to be that quiet.

[ His voice does sound strained. Rough. ]

[Good! He won't have to worry too much about whether Vanitas likes it, then. He responds at a conversational volume, since noise apparently isn't an issue.]

I thought it would be more be polite that way, but noted.

[... and with that, he decides to add some honey. It won't be long before he steps into the living area and sits on the floor next to the couch, two steaming mugs in hand.]

This should help with your throat.

If sleep was a thing that was happening? Maybe...

[ But that's not going to happen right now, is it? So he's just here, half wanting to just shut down. Shut everyone else down. But he knows better and he knows that others won't put up with it either. So what's he really do to?

When the mug is offered, he takes it. Mindful of the heat but just kind of holding it close. Vanitas is too tired and sore to really put up much in the way of defenses. At one time he would have regardless of his state but... ]

I've been managing fine, you know.

[And Ferran, while stubborn in his own right, isn't the type to push too far. He knows how resistant to that kind of direct concern he's been, so he's more inclined to find the right angle than try to force things. He'll offer what he can and see what's accepted.]

Sure. [He takes a careful sip of his own tea.] Managing just as well as I have.

[He has no doubt they both have a number of coping methods, however unhealthy. They're still here, at least.]

That doesn't mean our problems don't exist.

[ To be fair, that's likely the best way to go about it with Vanitas. He's not really receptive to people asking or anything like that. But then finding the cracks and using them, not really calling attention to the fact that they are there...

That's the better method all around. ]

Yeah... I can tell.

[ Since Vanitas can sense that residual misery. The upset and unease that remains from Ferran dealing with his own stuff. Though he's not sure that he can really ask about it. ]

But really I'd like to pretend that they don't exist. The constant reminder is there, no matter what.

[Misery, dismay, conflict—and most of all, an utter hopelessness for the future. But that's not all there is to him now, and the other things have allowed him to keep himself together, in more than just an emotional sense. If he doesn't focus on what gives him happiness, he has the sense he'll simply shatter, and that would probably be that.

But of course he knows focusing on the happy things isn't so easy. It was a difficult journey to get where he is now.]

I tried that... pretending. It didn't really work the way I was hoping it would.

[In Geardagas especially. All that time he was made to be something he wasn't, something he hated even more than his usual self, and he simply put on a facade. It left him a mess when he finally returned to his home, and when a few of those memories came back to him here, they weren't easy to accept.]

They say acknowledging the problem is the first step, you know. To coming to terms with it, instead of sinking under it. [Lest he be taken as lecturing, though, he adds:] Not that I can really say what you've done.

I said that I would like to, not necessarily that I do it. Not in full.

[ He does every now and then though. Or, rather, he likes to pretend that it doesn't exist at times. Maybe Vanitas just struggles with seeing that this doesn't mean that he's weak. Just that he's... Human. Very human.

Though Vanitas doesn't want to be lectured at all. He blows on his cup. Taking a sip shortly after so his throat doesn't close up on itself. ]

Acknowledging the problem isn't the issue. The issue just can't be avoided. Without light added to my darkness, the Unversed will continue. If I do not make them, they force their way out.

[ So it's quite a literal nightmare. ]

[Ferran lets out a hum to acknowledge the reply. All the better he doesn't try to go too far down that path, when all it leads to is... problems that are worse. The source of them, though, he doesn't quite understand.]

They're that much of a problem?

[He sounds genuinely surprised, but he doesn't disbelieve it; obviously Vanitas knows about his issues more than anyone, and Ferran would be an idiot to dismiss his words. Still, he'd just thought they were something like a familiar, since he hadn't had any bad encounters with them, personally.]

So... what even is light for you?

When people bottle up their emotions, what happens? It's the same concept, only mine just take shape.

[ People have emotional breakdowns all the time. It's just Vantias' result in a sea of monsters. That is the easiest way to explain how much of a "problem" it really is.

When Ferran FINALLY gets around to asking the question, Vanitas huffs. ]

Light and Darkness are what make up someone's heart, or soul maybe. Most of the time people that hear this think that we're talking about something more metaphysical. We're speaking literally. These are very tangible elements. Darkness being the less pleasant aspects of who we are and Light being the more virtuous.

[So... they're a physical manifestation of his inner conflict. Though Ferran doesn't get that the creatures themselves might be a problem, if they're unpleasant for Vanitas to create, then... yeah, obviously it would be something he'd want to stop.

Ferran looks down at the black marks on his own wrists, pondering for a few moments, and he realizes the idea of them being something to solve hadn't even occurred to him before. That's pretty sad, isn't it? That he'd just accept the pain that came along with them.]

So... what, because you were made of darkness to begin with, the light you've made on your own since then doesn't count?

The repairing of my heart had been done through the bonds that I had. Those bonds had started to fill in the cracks and holes in my own heart. Without them, I am at a standstill. To be honest, I don't even know what the state of my heart had been before coming here. So I have no way to compare it.

[ In the end, it's an "all or nothing" sort of thing for Vanitas. Either his heart is repaired and light given to fix the fissures or it's nothing at all... ]

[Bonds... bonds. The word means something more than just a relationship or a connection, doesn't it? The haziness of that definition isn't going to clear up just yet, but one thing is clear:]

That's fucking stupid.

[How is that fair? What gets to define Vanitas's heart other than the young man himself? What gives it the right? But even the emergence of Ferran's old righteous frustration can't erase the knowledge and experience that nothing in life is fair.

His grip tightens around the mug in his hands.]

[ Vanitas laughs upon hearing that. Granted, he has no idea if he's actually talked to Ferran about any of this in length. He's pretty sure he hasn't. Not like this. The boy definitely doesn't shy away from the topic of his fractured and broken state... But usually he acts defiant and belligerent about it instead. This... This is a little more raw than that. ]

Yes, it is. By all accounts, I shouldn't even have existed. Yet I was born and my existence continues by another's hand. I don't even have the energy to be infuriated by it right now. For the longest time, I just wanted the worlds to break and shatter because of it.

[ He still does, some days. Thinks that people don't deserve the life that they have been given. ]

Try not to break that cup though. It's not worth your anger either.

[Ferran lets out a shaky breath, only a small amount of tension leaving his shoulders. His knuckles aren't white around the thing, at least.]

Luckily for your mug... my temper's not usually that bad. But I'm allowed to be angry that you haven't gotten the chance to just... live, as you. Without this kind of mess.

[Nothing Vanitas can say would make Ferran stop hating the kind of suffering he's had to go through just because something decided to conjure him up out of darkness and the universe started throwing him around. Even if they've never discussed the details of what exactly was going on, it was clear to Ferran that he was trying to make a life for himself when he didn't have one before.]

... I guess... all there is to do is make the most of everything you have.

[ And that's something Vanitas is still getting used to. Still learning how to deal with... People caring. Getting angry and upset on his behalf. ]

On the bright side, I'm not entirely lecturing you or questioning why you would. I get that much. It still surprises me that people who never really knew me would care but here we are.

[ But that's what happens. That's what happens when someone actually tries to live a life. Tries to figure this stuff out, right? ]

That's not enough. I don't want to make the most of what I have. I want what I deserve to have.

[ And there it is. Enough to show that he's still a gremlin. ]

[Ferran turns his eyes to Vanitas, considering. He doesn't know how long his friend can sustain that struggle, if this sort of defiance is just an unchangeable part of his nature. It's not that he can or even would judge the guy for it; he certainly has a right to those feelings, at the very least. It's just so hard for Ferran to think along those lines anymore, to even try to relate to wanting more when he's so convinced it would only lead to disappointment.

But... he'll never ask anyone else to want less than what they deserve.]

Then I'll hope that you get it. And that you'll stop being surprised, eventually.

[ How long can Vanitas maintain that all or nothing attitude? Quite a while, it would seem. It's been a thing for years. Again, he would rather not exist entirely than to have half measures. That's just who he is. ]

Is it really all that bad to keep being surprised? Or is this one of those things that just should be the standard? I never can tell with people when they say things like that.

[ Which means that he can at least acknowledge that some of his paradigms are wrong. That how he views the world may not be right. ]

dream: i need the rest of me

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