dreamcrystals | dream: i need the rest of me

Entry tags:

sora

dream: i need the rest of me

Sender: Vanitas
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording | CW: choking, vomiting, drowning

It all starts at a Heart Station. Or, rather, what should be one. What should be a great structure rising from the very darkness itself, covered in stained glass is... Blank. There's nothing. No colors. No shapes or depictions of things that the heart would hold dear. Instead it's all broken. A web of shattered glass that is beyond repair - though it most certainly looks like someone has tried. Great fissures mar the surface while large pieces seem to be broken away or even missing. A coupled even seem to be floating above the station proper.

Most would be bright and shimmering to some degree, but this one doesn't. Whatever light had once been has faded. Stare long enough and there are flickers, as if there would be a short in the wiring, if this place had anything like electricity flowing through it.

At the center, of course, stands Vanitas. Whether or not this is a true depiction of his heart doesn't matter. This is how he views it. How he sees it. Longing. Anguish. Pain. So much pain. Hate. Hate hate hate.

Whole... I want to be whole. I need it. I need my -

Light. There it is. A soft ball of warmth coming from above. He looks up, of course. Because it's right there and within reach. When Vanitas moves, it's jumping from broken piece to broken piece and ready with his hand out to obtain what he desires most. What will make him complete. Whole.

Almost -

Monster

A pause. Frozen. Something like ice begins to move through his veins. No. Not here. Not now. The shadows around the Station seem to shift. Take the form of red, glowing eyes watching his every move. He knows this feeling. Knows this emotion. Terror. It's bubbling in his chest. Gipping it like a vice. Vision spins as Vanitas missteps and falls. Crashes against the glass. Tight too tight. Air. No air. Can't breathe. Terror. Horror. Fear. Anxiety. Everything hitting hard. Fast. Too much at once. Spinning. Spinning. Dizzy. Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Can't hold it in. Can't contain it. They're going to come out. They're going to break free. Then it will start all over again. And break free they do with Vanitas on his knees. Coughing and hacking. Covering his mouth because he needs to keep it all in. Emotions can't be allowed to break free of him again. Yet out it comes, Vanitas heaving and a black substance like tar splatters against the glass. Rolls down his face. And again. And again. Over and over, fire taking the place of ice. The glowing red stares all the more intense as they take shape and form. Unversed. Hundreds of them. All his own emotions grabbing and reaching.

Pulling. Tugging. Dragging further and further away from that Light. Not until they swallow Vanitas up completely. His lung burn. Fear. Terror. Pain. It's an endless cycle that he can't break free of. For the more intensely he feels those emotions, the more that he chokes and more spawn. What good did it to? To keep trying? This is the result. This is always the result. To live and to suffer. To strive and to always have it out of reach? To have hope. All of these thoughts cycle, out of control. Emotions spiraling until it's thing but a sea of black and those faces staring at him. Limbs growing tired and weak. Everything is fading. No Light. No Darkness. Just-

"V a n i t a s!"

Nothing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He almost wishes he could go through this with him or at least be able to take some of the burdens. It is not pleasant to watch Vanitas in so much anguish or listen to the way his body expels the black sludge. It's not a good feeling knowing what it all means.

But Sora is there at his side as needed. His hand is on Vanitas' back as he tries to comfort him in some way physically. Ready to pull back if Vanitas doesn't want to be touched. He's already grasping for a clean cloth from the side and turning on the cool water with clumsy fingers.]

Vanitas, I'm right here...! Just get it out and breathe in! Big slow breaths like we always practiced!

[ No, the hands help. It's what they've always done - what Vanitas and Mira had done before Sora. It's what he's used to and it helps to ground him. Root him in reality. Because that's how he knows that he's not stuck in that nightmare. That this is reality and that... That is what will help him start to calm down.

Don't expect him to speak though. The most he can do is nod and make gurgling noises. Because any time he really tries to talk, it's just another episode. At the very least he isn't trapped in this cycle of just feeling things too intensely and letting it overwhelm just to sink further into despair.

These... Probably won't make Unversed. Probably.

Still, it's a few minutes more of this before things start to settle. Before Vanitas can actually get a few gasps of air in. Once he does, then he can practice that breathing. Deep breaths. Inhale. Hold. Exhale.

But now he's so tired and numb... ]

[He remembers those times very well! Running his hand up and down Vanitas' back or touching his fingers over Vanitas' pulse at his wrists. Anything to keep him grounded and away from spinning out. So if Vanitas doesn't pull away or slap at him he'll do that. Running his hand over his spine and back soothingly and his voice soft and clear.]

There you go... Easy does it. [He'll curl closer to the boy, pressing lips against his temple gently.] It was just a nightmare, Vanitas. It wasn't real.

[But ... There was a lot to it. A lot of meaning and hurt and emotions... He can't dismiss all of that either.

Sora takes the cold wet cloth and reaches to wipe gently at Vanitas' face. Cool and refreshing.]

[ And by now, Vanitas is heavily leaning against Sora. He can't really talk back. His chest hurts and his throat is too raw from conversation. It will take a little bit longer for him to recover from that. There's no fighting the treatment he receives. No fussing as Sora takes the wet cloth and moves about his face.

If anything he wants to groan and lean into it. But he can't. Not with the ick on it. but once clean he will try to bury his face into Sora's shoulder. Neck. Something. ]

[He doesn't mind Vanitas not talking right away. After all of that who can blame him? Sora merely pulls his arms around the other and holds him firm and close. Letting their warmth mingle together as he finishes with wiping at Vanitas' face. He'll toss the cloth away for now and scoop Vanitas to him.]

It's okay. It's okay.

[He murmurs softly. Letting the moment fade slowly...]

[ His arms will end up snaking around Sora in return. Just shaking for a few minutes. Trying to remember to breathe properly and listen to Sora's voice. In the past he would have hated himself for this. It would have started another chain reaction. However he's been around Sora for such a long time now. They've been at this for...

Honestly it's been almost two years. Vanitas can hardly take that in some days. Two years of this brat constantly being in his business. Constantly being there for him. Being jealous and possessive and somehow laughing that Vanitas is the same. For all that they fight they are still... He still feels more complete for having Sora here.

Which is why eventually croaks out: ]

Couch. Blankets.

[ He doesn't really want to head back to the bed just yet. At the same time he wants Sora's stupid blanket piles. ]

Yeah, I've got you.

[He might just try to scoop Vanitas up so he doesn't have to walk too much. Instead of making Vanita wobble his way after all that nausea. He'll make sure Vanitas is there comfortable on the couch and he brushes his fingers over his brow.]

Just gonna grab the blankets, okay? I'll be right back.

[ He's too tired and achy to even fight it. Just to prove how drained of emotion he is... there are no Unversed. Nothing is forming. Nothing is manifesting. Vanitas literally has nothing left in him at the moment.

So once placed on the couch he'll curl up there. Years ago he wouldn't have been able to do this. Or, rather, he wouldn't have allowed for himself to do this. Be vulnerable and expose himself. He would have taken to hiding. But here he doesn't have to do that. Here, he's fine. Safe.

Cared for.

It's taken him a while to be okay with that. To accept this help and everything that comes with it. But here he is, relying on Sora to do everything that he just can't. To keep him safe. ]

[And he will always keep his promise of doing that. He'll always take care of Vanitas as much as the universe lets him. He'll rely on the other just as much as he wants Vanitas to rely on him. A push back and forth that should always, always be there.

He won't take long to gather up the mound of blankets that Sora always likes to have, They're still warm from sleeping as Sora returns and starts to drape them over Vanitas like a parachute. He tucks in gently before he moves to climb in there too. Snuggling in and scooping Vanitas to him with only the brush of Sora's slightly cold toes against legs that might be a shock.]

There, snug as bugs.

[ Not even the chill of Sora's toes registers. Vanitas just allows Sora to move the blankets about. Even more him like he's some doll rather than a grown person ( just short ). But the blankets are familiar. No doubt it's a residual habit of being a Puca, but Vanitas doesn't care.

Just means that it's now telling how much comfort he actually derived from those stupid nests. Instead he'll just wrap arms around Sora again and rest his head against a shoulder. ]

Thanks.

[He might get up in a few minutes to grab them fresh cool water to drink but for the moment he makes sure to stay nice and snug with Vanitas. Holding him firm and letting their warmth and heartbeats mingle. Just making sure Vanitas knows Sora's presence is right here.]

That was a ... pretty big nightmare.

[He says this softly. Not wanting to bring up the nausea again but maybe they need to look over what happened in that dream.]

[ Or something warm for Vanitas. Something to help soothe the throat. But for now he is just here. Existing close to Sora and leeching his body heat. ]

It's the same.

[ He coughs, his throat still just too raw. ]

Same one.

[Something warm would be better. With some of the honey that he got earlier in the week. Nothing like a hot drink with honey to soothe a sore throat.

Sora's expression is soft but still concerned.]

It's been a little while since you've had one like that. I wonder why it came back up again.

[ He's tired, Sora. So so tired at this point. ]

Dunno. Maybe some stuff's been on my mind.

[ Who knows why nightmares or dreams happen. But Vanitas doesn't really want to tell Sora that it's been on his mind more lately. Not after their conversation about holding out for the future.

This is why it's so hard to. Because he feels like the closer he gets, the more he just gets pulled down. ]

[Sora wants to push for more. He wants to know what that stuff is on Vanitas' mind. Would the other be upset if he did ask him to talk about it? He turns his head to bury his nose into Vanitas' hair.]

You have to keep breathing.

Trying.

[ Sora would be upset, he knows. To have Vanitas obsess over the fact he feels like he does. the brat would try to encourage him. Lift him up. Be there for him in the way that Sora always stupidly is.

Vanitas doesn't say much. Instead fingers grip onto Sora's shirt a little too tightly and his face remains buried in the other's neck. This time when Vanitas' breath stutters...

It comes with something hot and wet against Sora's skin. ]

[How can he not try to lift up Vanitas after such a painful set of memories etching across his dreams? Sora can relate. He knows what that feeling is like to be falling deep down into the vast darkness and feeling like everything is shattering into pieces. He knows it's not exactly the same sort of feeling that Vanitas is having. But he aches to see it. He doesn't want Vanitas to hurt.

It takes a moment for Sora to realize what that hot wet is on his skin. He doesn't say anything for a moment and only pulls Vanitas closer in a tight hug. Holding on just like he wants to hold onto this boy without letting go. No matter what it takes.

He thinks... he really would rip out his heart and give it to Vanitas if it came down to that.]

I know it hurts. It's going to be alright.

[Just let him say it.]

Edited 2022-01-17 06:01 (UTC)

[ The real problem is that he doesn't want to feel this way. Doesn't want to feel weak. Not vulnerable. Not small and pathetic and out of control of his own emotions right now. Yes, it all hurts. The hurt and the pain is nothing new. The tiredness he feels revolving around this isn't either. Vanitas is just so tired and exhausted of all of these things happening over and over again with no real end in sight.

To have a moment - a year and a half at least - without that pain. Without having to worry about what his own emotions would do to him. Knowing that his heart was being healed. To have that all and then to end up here where everything just gets thrown back in his face.

It's just the real breaking moment right now. Vanitas has hinted at it. Hasn't really talked about it or allowed himself to actually process and feel all of that frustration. So now it's just. Coming out. All of it. ]

[This wouldn't be the first time that Sora has seen Vanitas break down like this before. All those times in the past where they've stayed curled up together holding each other tightly while trying to get through a painful or rough night. He knows that Vanitas doesn't like feeling this way, who does, but it's better to let it all out than to let it keep plaguing his dreams so he can't sleep or worse.

He doesn't say anything for a moment. Only pulling Vanitas tight and letting him get out as much of the crying as he wants to do right now. Hands comforting over his arms and shoulders and back to try to remind Vanitas that he's right here. Take all the time needed to just cry before working out the rest of it.

One thing at a time...]

[ It's a couple of minutes. Partially because he's too exhausted to last longer than that and also because he can't really let himself get swallowed up by his own feelings of hopelessness. If he does, Vanitas is going to fall into the cycle again. So he has to pull himself together, at least in part. He can't keep on allowing himself to feel like this.

That's why his shakes gradually stop. Breathing evens out. There's dried tears on his face and clinging to lashes but he doesn't care. He'll have to wash his face again. That's all that it means. ]

I hate this...

[He won't pester too much about the details. Since they've been down this road before of darkness and fading hope and unsure futures. Internal fears are another thing and Sora can practically feel those things seeping out of Vanitas even if there is no magical bond. The shaking, the tears, the ache of the dream...

He scoops Vanitas closer and buries his nose in his hair in a rough nuzzle and cuddle. Trying to ease up on the exhaustion with his own subtle comfort of being close.]

I know. But crying isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it feels good to let it out and then figure out the rest after that.

M'not talking about the crying, Sora.

[ Vanitas licks his lips. Chest feeling unbearably tight again. Sora doesn't know anymore. Can't feel the emotional turmoil that Vanitas has been in for months now. ]

This. Here. I know what you said about -

[ And he's coughing because his throat is raw and sticking together. It kind of hurts to speak. But he's trying. ]

Steps back and forward. It just feels like I've lost the chance to get what I want. Again.

[ How many times much he endure literal heartbreak? ]

Still, it doesn't hurt to help to get that out too, you know.

[Sora pulls back slightly so he can see Vanitas' face after the coughing subsides. Almost nose to nose while he looks slightly downward at the other boy. His feet tangled up with the other.]

But... Stop talking for a second.

[He moves his hand down to touch the spot where Vanitas' heart would metaphorically be and physically is. Searching for the warmth of a heartbeat there. Now Sora doesn't have the odd and still very unexplained power of waking with him anymore and yet he...]

Hold on, I'm checking something.

[ They are often tangled up in one another. Sometimes they really don't know where one ends and the other begins. It doesn't even really register anymore.

What does, though, is the fact that Sora is telling him to stop talking. Vanitas looks at him. Perplexed. Isn't he... Supposed to be talking? As in, Sora wants him to talk about feelings? ]

...Sora?

[ What are you doing? ]

[They'll talk about feelings in a second! Right now Sora looks like he's concentrating. His eyebrows slightly furrowed and lips parted.]

Hmm. Uh-huh. It's exactly what I thought.

[...???]

I can feel a heartbeat, it's pretty strong in there.

[What a thing to say. Especially when everyone from their world knows that the concept of "having a heart" doesn't mean your beating one in your chest. Of course, Vanitas has a beating heart pumping the blood in his body. It's the other heart that's supposed to be missing. Right? The strength of a heart, the embodiment of a soul. But don't look too perplexed yet, Vanitas.]

If you can have a heartbeat as strong as yours I know that someday your heart is going to be just as strong.

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