dream: i need the rest of me

[darkcharge]

Sender: Vanitas
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording | CW: choking, vomiting, drowning


It all starts at a Heart Station. Or, rather, what should be one. What should be a great structure rising from the very darkness itself, covered in stained glass is... Blank. There's nothing. No colors. No shapes or depictions of things that the heart would hold dear. Instead it's all broken. A web of shattered glass that is beyond repair - though it most certainly looks like someone has tried. Great fissures mar the surface while large pieces seem to be broken away or even missing. A coupled even seem to be floating above the station proper.

Most would be bright and shimmering to some degree, but this one doesn't. Whatever light had once been has faded. Stare long enough and there are flickers, as if there would be a short in the wiring, if this place had anything like electricity flowing through it.

At the center, of course, stands Vanitas. Whether or not this is a true depiction of his heart doesn't matter. This is how he views it. How he sees it. Longing. Anguish. Pain. So much pain. Hate. Hate hate hate.

Whole... I want to be whole. I need it. I need my -

Light. There it is. A soft ball of warmth coming from above. He looks up, of course. Because it's right there and within reach. When Vanitas moves, it's jumping from broken piece to broken piece and ready with his hand out to obtain what he desires most. What will make him complete. Whole.

Almost -

Monster

A pause. Frozen. Something like ice begins to move through his veins. No. Not here. Not now. The shadows around the Station seem to shift. Take the form of red, glowing eyes watching his every move. He knows this feeling. Knows this emotion. Terror. It's bubbling in his chest. Gipping it like a vice. Vision spins as Vanitas missteps and falls. Crashes against the glass. Tight too tight. Air. No air. Can't breathe. Terror. Horror. Fear. Anxiety. Everything hitting hard. Fast. Too much at once. Spinning. Spinning. Dizzy. Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Can't hold it in. Can't contain it. They're going to come out. They're going to break free. Then it will start all over again. And break free they do with Vanitas on his knees. Coughing and hacking. Covering his mouth because he needs to keep it all in. Emotions can't be allowed to break free of him again. Yet out it comes, Vanitas heaving and a black substance like tar splatters against the glass. Rolls down his face. And again. And again. Over and over, fire taking the place of ice. The glowing red stares all the more intense as they take shape and form. Unversed. Hundreds of them. All his own emotions grabbing and reaching.

Pulling. Tugging. Dragging further and further away from that Light. Not until they swallow Vanitas up completely. His lung burn. Fear. Terror. Pain. It's an endless cycle that he can't break free of. For the more intensely he feels those emotions, the more that he chokes and more spawn. What good did it to? To keep trying? This is the result. This is always the result. To live and to suffer. To strive and to always have it out of reach? To have hope. All of these thoughts cycle, out of control. Emotions spiraling until it's thing but a sea of black and those faces staring at him. Limbs growing tired and weak. Everything is fading. No Light. No Darkness. Just-

"V a n i t a s!"

Nothing.

Comments

[darkcharge]

[ He's tired, Sora. So so tired at this point. ]

Dunno. Maybe some stuff's been on my mind.

[ Who knows why nightmares or dreams happen. But Vanitas doesn't really want to tell Sora that it's been on his mind more lately. Not after their conversation about holding out for the future.

This is why it's so hard to. Because he feels like the closer he gets, the more he just gets pulled down. ]

[oathkeeper]

[Sora wants to push for more. He wants to know what that stuff is on Vanitas' mind. Would the other be upset if he did ask him to talk about it? He turns his head to bury his nose into Vanitas' hair.]

You have to keep breathing.

[darkcharge]

Trying.

[ Sora would be upset, he knows. To have Vanitas obsess over the fact he feels like he does. the brat would try to encourage him. Lift him up. Be there for him in the way that Sora always stupidly is.

Vanitas doesn't say much. Instead fingers grip onto Sora's shirt a little too tightly and his face remains buried in the other's neck. This time when Vanitas' breath stutters...

It comes with something hot and wet against Sora's skin. ]

[oathkeeper]

[How can he not try to lift up Vanitas after such a painful set of memories etching across his dreams? Sora can relate. He knows what that feeling is like to be falling deep down into the vast darkness and feeling like everything is shattering into pieces. He knows it's not exactly the same sort of feeling that Vanitas is having. But he aches to see it. He doesn't want Vanitas to hurt.

It takes a moment for Sora to realize what that hot wet is on his skin. He doesn't say anything for a moment and only pulls Vanitas closer in a tight hug. Holding on just like he wants to hold onto this boy without letting go. No matter what it takes.

He thinks... he really would rip out his heart and give it to Vanitas if it came down to that.]

I know it hurts. It's going to be alright.

[Just let him say it.]

[darkcharge]

[ The real problem is that he doesn't want to feel this way. Doesn't want to feel weak. Not vulnerable. Not small and pathetic and out of control of his own emotions right now. Yes, it all hurts. The hurt and the pain is nothing new. The tiredness he feels revolving around this isn't either. Vanitas is just so tired and exhausted of all of these things happening over and over again with no real end in sight.

To have a moment - a year and a half at least - without that pain. Without having to worry about what his own emotions would do to him. Knowing that his heart was being healed. To have that all and then to end up here where everything just gets thrown back in his face.

It's just the real breaking moment right now. Vanitas has hinted at it. Hasn't really talked about it or allowed himself to actually process and feel all of that frustration. So now it's just. Coming out. All of it. ]

[oathkeeper]

[This wouldn't be the first time that Sora has seen Vanitas break down like this before. All those times in the past where they've stayed curled up together holding each other tightly while trying to get through a painful or rough night. He knows that Vanitas doesn't like feeling this way, who does, but it's better to let it all out than to let it keep plaguing his dreams so he can't sleep or worse.

He doesn't say anything for a moment. Only pulling Vanitas tight and letting him get out as much of the crying as he wants to do right now. Hands comforting over his arms and shoulders and back to try to remind Vanitas that he's right here. Take all the time needed to just cry before working out the rest of it.

One thing at a time...]

[darkcharge]

[ It's a couple of minutes. Partially because he's too exhausted to last longer than that and also because he can't really let himself get swallowed up by his own feelings of hopelessness. If he does, Vanitas is going to fall into the cycle again. So he has to pull himself together, at least in part. He can't keep on allowing himself to feel like this.

That's why his shakes gradually stop. Breathing evens out. There's dried tears on his face and clinging to lashes but he doesn't care. He'll have to wash his face again. That's all that it means. ]

I hate this...

[oathkeeper]

[He won't pester too much about the details. Since they've been down this road before of darkness and fading hope and unsure futures. Internal fears are another thing and Sora can practically feel those things seeping out of Vanitas even if there is no magical bond. The shaking, the tears, the ache of the dream...

He scoops Vanitas closer and buries his nose in his hair in a rough nuzzle and cuddle. Trying to ease up on the exhaustion with his own subtle comfort of being close.]

I know. But crying isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it feels good to let it out and then figure out the rest after that.

[darkcharge]

M'not talking about the crying, Sora.

[ Vanitas licks his lips. Chest feeling unbearably tight again. Sora doesn't know anymore. Can't feel the emotional turmoil that Vanitas has been in for months now. ]

This. Here. I know what you said about -

[ And he's coughing because his throat is raw and sticking together. It kind of hurts to speak. But he's trying. ]

Steps back and forward. It just feels like I've lost the chance to get what I want. Again.

[ How many times much he endure literal heartbreak? ]

[oathkeeper]

Still, it doesn't hurt to help to get that out too, you know.

[Sora pulls back slightly so he can see Vanitas' face after the coughing subsides. Almost nose to nose while he looks slightly downward at the other boy. His feet tangled up with the other.]

But... Stop talking for a second.

[He moves his hand down to touch the spot where Vanitas' heart would metaphorically be and physically is. Searching for the warmth of a heartbeat there. Now Sora doesn't have the odd and still very unexplained power of waking with him anymore and yet he...]

Hold on, I'm checking something.

[darkcharge]

[ They are often tangled up in one another. Sometimes they really don't know where one ends and the other begins. It doesn't even really register anymore.

What does, though, is the fact that Sora is telling him to stop talking. Vanitas looks at him. Perplexed. Isn't he... Supposed to be talking? As in, Sora wants him to talk about feelings? ]

...Sora?

[ What are you doing? ]

[oathkeeper]

[They'll talk about feelings in a second! Right now Sora looks like he's concentrating. His eyebrows slightly furrowed and lips parted.]

Hmm. Uh-huh. It's exactly what I thought.

[...???]

I can feel a heartbeat, it's pretty strong in there.

[What a thing to say. Especially when everyone from their world knows that the concept of "having a heart" doesn't mean your beating one in your chest. Of course, Vanitas has a beating heart pumping the blood in his body. It's the other heart that's supposed to be missing. Right? The strength of a heart, the embodiment of a soul. But don't look too perplexed yet, Vanitas.]

If you can have a heartbeat as strong as yours I know that someday your heart is going to be just as strong.

[darkcharge]

[ Sometimes Sora is entirely too weird. Even for Vanitas at times. This is one of those moments where he can't really tell what the brat is thinking to do.

He just feels his cheeks grow hot. Embarrassment and being flustered, mostly. Sora knows that a strong heartbeat doesn't really mean anything. Someone can have that and not necessarily have a strong heart. ]

Sora... Are you listening to yourself? Wh.. What's that got to do with anything?

[oathkeeper]

It's got everything to do with it!

[Sora looks up but keeps his hand over the spot on Vanitas' chest where he can feel the heartbeat.]

I know it might seem really far away. But your heartbeat is proof that someday you'll have your own heart that's all yours someday. It proves that you can have it. Just like anyone else.

[He leans forward to nuzzle the other boy.]

I know you've heard stuff like that before. But it still means a lot to me to know that too. Even if someday we've gotta fight for it to happen.

[darkcharge]

Sora...

[ This seems silly. Ridiculous. That just because his heart beats means that his essence will be complete.

Vanitas sighs. Leans into the nuzzling. The encouraging words don't really reach. Not right now. Holds onto Sora so tightly. ]

I'm tired of fighting right now. We can say these things like "someday." Someday this and someday that. What we don't have is any plan for that. No solutions. Just hope.

[oathkeeper]

[He sighs softly.]

... I know.

[He just wants to stay optimistic. Is that so bad?

Sora huffs softly and wraps his arms around the other then.]

I just mean someday. Someday is someday. We don't gotta fight now.

[darkcharge]

I'll go back to it tomorrow.

[ So that should give Sora some bit of relief. Vanitas is just having his moment. He'll pick himself up later. ]

It... Will be fine.

[oathkeeper]

[But the note here was that Sora wanted to give him some relief. Not the other way around. Of course, Vanitas is allowed to have his moment. Sora thought his heartfelt note would help. But it didn't really...

Maybe he needs to try harder. Maybe he needs to find something. A plan. Like Vanitas wants.]

Yeah. It's gonna be. I'll make sure it is.

[darkcharge]

[ He has though, in his own way. Vanitas will accept it in his own way. Sora has worked him through the emotional outburst. Cleaned him. Is now embracing him. Hasn't left his side.

The fact that he's allowing himself this moment of weakness. He's being weak and vulnerable. Just for a couple of hours where his walls are lowered and there's no pretenses. Just Vanitas being a boy.

This. This is relief. To not have to pretend. ]

You're still here. That's enough.

[oathkeeper]

I know.

[He knows they're still enough for each other. There's no more or less that they need to be but themselves with each other. Sora's never felt the need to be more than what he was around Vanitas. And he hopes Vanitas continues to know that he can be vulnerable around him. In the quiet of their own space now... it's just them. That's it.

But Sora has a thought in his head. That he wants to push harder to find an answer for Vanitas. He could do it for Roxas and Ventus too. But Vanitas has always been this one thing out of reach for him. Finding or making a heart for him too... Sora wants to find something.

He lets out a soft hum. Pulling the boy nice and close to him before he goes back to running his hands over his back and shoulders in comfort.]

[darkcharge]

[ Vanitas is also aware that if Sora decides upon doing something, there will be no talking him out of it. All that Van can hope to do is make sure that the other boy doesn't get himself in too deep. Right now though, all that concerns him is the fact that Sora is here. He can feel his warmth and his heartbeat.

The hands are soothing. They've always been that way. Sora's never purposefully hurt him. Purposefully. So right now he's safe and that's what really matters. ]

Don't think I'll make it back to bed.

[oathkeeper]

We can stay right here, you can even sleep on me if you want to.

[He'll endure some dead sleepy limbs just for that. That's how much he'll sacrifice for this boy. Because he cares about him this much.]

Hey. Can you promise me something?

[darkcharge]

How nice to have your permission. I wasn't about to go anywhere any time soon.

[ He says this, but he would have gotten up for Sora if there had been a need to. But now that he knows that he doesn't have to? Vanitas curls around Sora tighter. Hugs onto him and shoves a face in his neck.

Promise... Now what could Sora want him to promise. ]

Hmm?

[oathkeeper]

[He lets out a small laugh and curls his hand back into Vanitas' hair. Good, he'll accept this koala bear boy.]

If you're stuck in a nightmare again, that you'll try to think of a good memory you've had instead.

[darkcharge]

Try and think of a good memory?

[ In the heat of the moment, is that possible? Can it be that easy? Sora makes it sound easy... ]

Is it possible? To be so lucid that I could come up with something like that?