dream: i need the rest of me

[darkcharge]

Sender: Vanitas
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording | CW: choking, vomiting, drowning


It all starts at a Heart Station. Or, rather, what should be one. What should be a great structure rising from the very darkness itself, covered in stained glass is... Blank. There's nothing. No colors. No shapes or depictions of things that the heart would hold dear. Instead it's all broken. A web of shattered glass that is beyond repair - though it most certainly looks like someone has tried. Great fissures mar the surface while large pieces seem to be broken away or even missing. A coupled even seem to be floating above the station proper.

Most would be bright and shimmering to some degree, but this one doesn't. Whatever light had once been has faded. Stare long enough and there are flickers, as if there would be a short in the wiring, if this place had anything like electricity flowing through it.

At the center, of course, stands Vanitas. Whether or not this is a true depiction of his heart doesn't matter. This is how he views it. How he sees it. Longing. Anguish. Pain. So much pain. Hate. Hate hate hate.

Whole... I want to be whole. I need it. I need my -

Light. There it is. A soft ball of warmth coming from above. He looks up, of course. Because it's right there and within reach. When Vanitas moves, it's jumping from broken piece to broken piece and ready with his hand out to obtain what he desires most. What will make him complete. Whole.

Almost -

Monster

A pause. Frozen. Something like ice begins to move through his veins. No. Not here. Not now. The shadows around the Station seem to shift. Take the form of red, glowing eyes watching his every move. He knows this feeling. Knows this emotion. Terror. It's bubbling in his chest. Gipping it like a vice. Vision spins as Vanitas missteps and falls. Crashes against the glass. Tight too tight. Air. No air. Can't breathe. Terror. Horror. Fear. Anxiety. Everything hitting hard. Fast. Too much at once. Spinning. Spinning. Dizzy. Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Can't hold it in. Can't contain it. They're going to come out. They're going to break free. Then it will start all over again. And break free they do with Vanitas on his knees. Coughing and hacking. Covering his mouth because he needs to keep it all in. Emotions can't be allowed to break free of him again. Yet out it comes, Vanitas heaving and a black substance like tar splatters against the glass. Rolls down his face. And again. And again. Over and over, fire taking the place of ice. The glowing red stares all the more intense as they take shape and form. Unversed. Hundreds of them. All his own emotions grabbing and reaching.

Pulling. Tugging. Dragging further and further away from that Light. Not until they swallow Vanitas up completely. His lung burn. Fear. Terror. Pain. It's an endless cycle that he can't break free of. For the more intensely he feels those emotions, the more that he chokes and more spawn. What good did it to? To keep trying? This is the result. This is always the result. To live and to suffer. To strive and to always have it out of reach? To have hope. All of these thoughts cycle, out of control. Emotions spiraling until it's thing but a sea of black and those faces staring at him. Limbs growing tired and weak. Everything is fading. No Light. No Darkness. Just-

"V a n i t a s!"

Nothing.

Comments

Sender: Hilda

[indolentaxe]

[Wow. Um. That was a lot.

She knew that Vanitas has his rougher edges, but she certainly didn't expect the sort kind of existential darkness that makes her skin crawl. It's a feeling she's entirely unfamiliar with, and after seeing the dream she actually leaves the whole thing along for an entire day, hemming and hawing over what she should say, before she finally responds.]

You okay?

[darkcharge]

[ Best part is that it's not even purely existential! 8D What happens after he wakes up is not too dissimilar from what happens in the nightmare! ]

Just peachy. Never better.

[indolentaxe]

[That's worse!!!!!!]

Okay, I'll admit that was a stupid question.

Is there anything I can do? That dream the other day was pretty rough.

[darkcharge]

[ Well if people could leave it alone that would sure be nice. ]

No. It happens. I'll get over it.

That's all.

[ Wait. Just how often does it happen? ]

[indolentaxe]

Wait, this is NORMAL for you???

What kind of messed up world do you come from?!

[Asking the important questions.]

[darkcharge]

I don't recall. Have you ever seen my "little friends" or "pets" as people have been calling them?

[indolentaxe]

You mean, besides the gummy fish I gave you?

[So that's a "no."]

[darkcharge]

[ Definitely answers that. ]

Wouldn't it figure.

This is MY normal is what I was trying to get at.

[indolentaxe]

And what I'M saying is that it's a pretty messed up normal.

You could rival some of my classmates in the "I'm not okay" department.

[darkcharge]

[ Before, he would have argued that. As in, might have gotten defensive and on edge. Because he's never wanted to been seen as weak. "Not okay" means weak.

But he knows that's not what she actually means. She means the situation isn't okay. Which it isn't. ]

It is messed up. [ "I'm messed up" ] There's nothing I can do to change it now so I just have to get over it.

[indolentaxe]

[At least he's able to admit it. That puts him far and above most people she knows with these kinds of issues.]

I guess. But don't forget that there are other people here who can help, okay?

[darkcharge]

There's not. This isn't something that people can help me with.

[indolentaxe]

I don't mean like, magically fixing things for you. I mean in the sense that we can spend time with you and maybe help you feel less crummy about all of it.

[darkcharge]

Think about that for a moment.

"Gee, Vanitas. Even though you really hate the fact you're not a complete person, we'll spend time with you so you can forget about it."

Did I get the summation of it right?

[indolentaxe]

"Gee, Vanitas. We're your friends and we like to spend time with you even though you feel bad about yourself. Maybe that will help you feel less bad because you have people who support you."

Fixed it for you.

[darkcharge]

[ Okay so maybe he has to put his journal away for a moment because of that one. Mostly because he can't figure out if his laughing is from relief or because it sounds so stupid and ridiculous. Like those guardians of Light.

Power of friendship and all.

Eventually he will respond though. ]


Yeah I guess you did

[indolentaxe]

Glad we could clear that up. ♥

[She doesn't care that she's being corny as hell about all this. He needs someone to bully him into liking himself, obviously, and she's volunteered herself for the job today.]

[darkcharge]

Got to say. Didn't think I'd hear that kind of speech from you

[indolentaxe]

I've had some practice with friends who aren't very good at loving themselves back home.

[Looking at you, Marianne.]

[darkcharge]

So I'm going to think that you bully them like this too?

[indolentaxe]

"Bully" is such a harsh way of putting it. I encourage her to be her best self, that's all.

[Yes, she does.]

[darkcharge]

Just what does this "best self" look like?

[indolentaxe]

Confident! Marianne is such a shrinking violet, she needs to believe that she's actually worth something, you know? So I try to build her up.

[darkcharge]

You manage to do this by bullying her like you have been with me?

[indolentaxe]

Not exactly. I'm a lot nicer when I bully her. Marianne's feelings are really easy to hurt.

You gotta adjust your methods for your audience, you know?