dreamcrystals | dream: i need the rest of me

Sender: Vanitas
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording | CW: choking, vomiting, drowning

It all starts at a Heart Station. Or, rather, what should be one. What should be a great structure rising from the very darkness itself, covered in stained glass is... Blank. There's nothing. No colors. No shapes or depictions of things that the heart would hold dear. Instead it's all broken. A web of shattered glass that is beyond repair - though it most certainly looks like someone has tried. Great fissures mar the surface while large pieces seem to be broken away or even missing. A coupled even seem to be floating above the station proper.

Most would be bright and shimmering to some degree, but this one doesn't. Whatever light had once been has faded. Stare long enough and there are flickers, as if there would be a short in the wiring, if this place had anything like electricity flowing through it.

At the center, of course, stands Vanitas. Whether or not this is a true depiction of his heart doesn't matter. This is how he views it. How he sees it. Longing. Anguish. Pain. So much pain. Hate. Hate hate hate.

Whole... I want to be whole. I need it. I need my -

Light. There it is. A soft ball of warmth coming from above. He looks up, of course. Because it's right there and within reach. When Vanitas moves, it's jumping from broken piece to broken piece and ready with his hand out to obtain what he desires most. What will make him complete. Whole.

Almost -

Monster

A pause. Frozen. Something like ice begins to move through his veins. No. Not here. Not now. The shadows around the Station seem to shift. Take the form of red, glowing eyes watching his every move. He knows this feeling. Knows this emotion. Terror. It's bubbling in his chest. Gipping it like a vice. Vision spins as Vanitas missteps and falls. Crashes against the glass. Tight too tight. Air. No air. Can't breathe. Terror. Horror. Fear. Anxiety. Everything hitting hard. Fast. Too much at once. Spinning. Spinning. Dizzy. Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Can't hold it in. Can't contain it. They're going to come out. They're going to break free. Then it will start all over again. And break free they do with Vanitas on his knees. Coughing and hacking. Covering his mouth because he needs to keep it all in. Emotions can't be allowed to break free of him again. Yet out it comes, Vanitas heaving and a black substance like tar splatters against the glass. Rolls down his face. And again. And again. Over and over, fire taking the place of ice. The glowing red stares all the more intense as they take shape and form. Unversed. Hundreds of them. All his own emotions grabbing and reaching.

Pulling. Tugging. Dragging further and further away from that Light. Not until they swallow Vanitas up completely. His lung burn. Fear. Terror. Pain. It's an endless cycle that he can't break free of. For the more intensely he feels those emotions, the more that he chokes and more spawn. What good did it to? To keep trying? This is the result. This is always the result. To live and to suffer. To strive and to always have it out of reach? To have hope. All of these thoughts cycle, out of control. Emotions spiraling until it's thing but a sea of black and those faces staring at him. Limbs growing tired and weak. Everything is fading. No Light. No Darkness. Just-

"V a n i t a s!"

Nothing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Because, at the time, it had been the only solution given. The only one presented. Vanitas still continues to believe that the best option - his only option - is to have someone tied directly to his heart. Honestly it's been working. Or, rather, had been working... ]

Not that any of you would let me anyway.

[ So there's really no need to pursue it. Not that Vanitas would because he already knows it's futile. Ventus' heart is mostly healed so... ]

And the solution there was still to tie myself to others. There doesn't seem to be any other way.

Hmm... Maybe... tying yourself to others is the wrong way to think about it.

[Roxas's gaze goes a little far off, not exactly looking at anything as he speaks.]

Maybe what you need... is a connection. A series of connections that can nurture your heart, and make it grow.

[He pauses for a moment, before turning to Vanitas. He offers a wry grin.]

At least... that's what worked for me and my friends. What brought us back from nothingness and made us whole was our connection to each other. So, maybe that's what you need. In a way, that's kind of like tying yourself to others, right?

Tying myself to others. A connection. Isn't it all the same thing? One way or another I am bound to someone else. Though in this case it has always been willingly.

[ And a series of connections is what he had. Before this place. Before being ripped away. Vanitas doesn't like this. At all. ]

I know how it worked for you, Roxas. Just because I didn't want much to do with you lot doesn't mean I was unaware of things.

Then you should know that I'm not just saying these things just because I feel like it. I'm saying them because they worked.

[Roxas hums a little in consideration of Vanitas's words.]

Well, I guess they are sort of the same thing. But what's different is that the connection you make is one that benefits you both. Strengthens you both, and isn't just someone using the other. That kind of bond isn't a shackle. It's something you cherish. Something you want to protect, no matter what. And if it's a real connection, then whoever you share it with will want to do the same for you.

[He looks at the remaining chocolate bar in his hand. He snaps off one more small piece before turning to Vanitas and offering him the remainder. Even if Vanitas still has his own chocolate.]

That's how I think a heart grows.

Roxas. Are you seriously giving me a lecture on bonds and how I should have went about making them?

[ How did Roxas think that Vanitas collected them over time? Sora was first and while that had sort of been a "do or die" sort of moment, he would think that it is a little obvious from time to time that Sora's picked up a few traits from Vanitas. Or at least considering himself and his wants/needs a little more.

Mira had been because he couldn't think of anyone else but Mira. Lio? Well suffice to say that if Vanitas had a "best friend" then it would definitely be that blonde. So all of his bonds back in the other place had been made exactly how Roxas had described. ]

I hope you know I'm very very picky.

[Roxas lets out a sigh, pushing the remaining chocolate towards Vanitas before he shifts to get a little more comfortable.]

Sorry, I didn't mean to get all lecture-y. I'm not saying the bonds you made in Aefenglom were bad. In fact, I'm pretty sure they were good, strong connections. I'm just saying that those kinds of bonds are the kind that can repair a heart, or grow a new one where one wasn't there before. Those kind of bonds don't have to be seen as shackles.

[Roxas doesn't know the extent of Vanitas's bonds, nor the nature under which they were formed. But they were obviously true, genuine connections if they helped Vanitas out so much.]

And hey, there's nothing wrong with being picky. We can't all be like Sora and connect with everyone on every world.

[ Wait. Why is Roxas giving him all this stupid chocolate? Vanitas eyes him warily for a moment... But he's not going to, like, give it back now. Nope. Roxas had his one chance and now it's all Vanitas'.

He does listen though, to what the other is going on about. Van breathes a little easier now that Roxas is backpedaling just a little. ]

Sometimes I think you're a little too like him yourself. Then other times you're very different.

[He's giving him the rest of the chocolate as a sort of apology for prying too hard. He does want to keep pushing at those old beliefs Vanitas has, but he also doesn't want to cross a line. And also because Vanitas probably needs it more than he does; he's had his share, and if he needs more he can bug Sora for some.]

[At those words, Roxas chuckles, offering a weak shrug.]

Well, he is my Somebody, so I guess some of his traits probably did rub off on me. But he and I are still our own people; he's got his heart, and I've got mine. Me being born from his heart doesn't change that fact.

Though, I'd like to think I have a bit more common sense than he does. [Yes, he's making a joke at Sora's expense.]

That's not really saying much in the way of common sense. It is Sora.

[ Just throwing that out there. Sora is his boyfriend. He's allowed to tease. Vanitas breaks off more chocolate to eat. Then he rolls his eyes. ]

Though it is more accurate to say that you got more than just Sora's anything. The entire time Ventus' heart was attached to his own, after all.

[Roxas chuckles at that, because, well, Vanitas isn't exactly wrong. Sora's not always known for his common sense.]

Yeah, that's true. I guess we all have parts of each other that we share, don't we?

[Sora being connected to Roxas, Ventus being connected to Vanitas, Roxas being connected to Ventus... they were a bit of a hodge-podge, weren't they?]

[ They certainly are a strange blend of things. Vanitas huffs, a bit of a laugh. Then leans further against the couch. Still a tired. ]

Yeah, I guess.

[ He takes a bite of chocolate. ]

You're not terrible to be around either.

[Roxas blinks at Vanitas, surprised at the genuine complement. But after a moment, he grins back.]

Yeah, well...you're not too bad yourself.

[He gives him a light nudge with his foot.]

When you're not tricking people into running into garbage cans. [Said with an amused grin.]

Edited 2022-03-16 03:24 (UTC)

dream: i need the rest of me

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