XX3 Entry - [A Dream within a Dream] - Early September

[roseofmay]

Sender: Beatrix
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive Dream Recording
Warnings: Likely potentially upsetting content. Implications of genocide. I’m going to try to explore this as gently, respectfully, and carefully as I can, but I do emphasise to proceed with caution.
Notes: A dream depicting Beatrix reflecting on some of the war crimes she committed in her home world. It is longer than I expected it to be.

Have some sounds of rain for ambiance.

It is not uncommon for Beatrix to patrol at night, usually following her dreams. It is safe to assume that post this dream, that’s precisely what she does. Feel free to encounter her in person (out on patrol, at her residence) or via journals, though with the latter, it is unlikely she will respond immediately. Assume journal responses are after an applicable amount of time, depending on circumstance.


Her dreams most oft are accompanied intimately by rain. Sometimes, it is the blistering sound of wind. Occasionally, the consistent roar of airship engines and the turning of gears. And every once in a while, it is the sound of wood splitting and cracking, followed by a flash of light and the deafening explosion that trails after in its wake.

Tonight, it is rain. A sky looms overhead, blanketed by dark clouds and the occasional tendril of lightning. The blue-grey cobblestone pathways are soaked, so much so that in places where the footpaths dip after years of wear and tear, they are filled with reflective and rippling puddles of water. The front entrance stone archway is intricately detailed and has been standing for too many years to count, established likely earlier than some native to the world may think.

Welcome to Burmecia, the Realm of Eternal Rain.

It holds nothing precious, except life. Life that Beatrix, general of Alexandria, has been tasked with taking.

This is something that has already happened. Beatrix simply replays it near nightly, and the dreams rarely seem to change. Her boots echo softly on the ground in a momentary eerie silence and behind her where she has already been, the environment simply turns to stone. A broken down cart knocked over, its wares splattered on the pathway and up against the wall of a nearby multilevel home, once in muted colour now sits in permanent disarray in chilling sculpture.

There are figures slumped. On the grounds. Draped over stairways and metal bannisters. Burmecians—a race of ratlike people, tall in stature, tailed, with pointed ears and pointed noses.

For years, Alexandria and Burmecia have waged wars upon one another. Pitted against each other, the concept of war is not so foreign, though perhaps disappointing when the continent at large believed to be ushering in an era of peace. What has happened here, however, is not war at all. It is only conquest. Only eradication of the Burmecian people. A simple little test conducted by Queen Brahne of Alexandria, utilising constructed black mage dolls with no will of their own and only the orders pounding in their doll heads. The leader of this charge, this show of overwhelming power and influence, is none other than Beatrix, compelled by order and the lust in her veins for something she cannot quite understand, a realisation that she will not come to learn for a great deal of time following.

The Beatrix of today, the one stepping through this replay of a chapter of her life that she has kept hidden and closely held to her heart, is not identical. Not different, but only a part of the woman who carried this out in so impeccably a fashion.

As she steps, there are voices, many words that are garbled and incomprehensible, blending in with the sounds of the pitter-patter of the rain as it strikes. If one listens closely, an occasional scream, a memory left over from an otherwise desolate and ruined city-state, disrespected and torn asunder by invasion. Some lines of memory highlight the tense air in voices that are not Beatrix’s as she continues this reunion with this intimate knowledge of her past.

”That’s Beatrix? The cold-blooded knight who knows no mercy. Beatrix…”

In the square of the city-state, the homes in the vicinity are worn down, most of them only partially standing. A curving bridge pathway leads to the towering, ominous, and impressive figure of Burmecia’s castle, stretching tall towards the sky as lightning flashes about it.

”...Beatrix of Alexandria, in particular. They say her swordsmanship is the best in the land.”

As she moves along, Save the Queen in the grip of her right hand, a chain that binds her to obligation and her role, there are but glimpses, moving images for just moments that betray the chaos that ensued upon her initial charge. The movement of feet and the blur of bodies before they’re cut down or subjected to the magicks of the black mages. As she takes to the bridge and its connecting path, the commotion freezes, transposing image and concept to stone and reality, like macabre decor in a courtyard.

Before the entrance, it’s her own voice that echoes in a stunning clarity. An embittered laugh, hand-in-hand with chilled tone. Unfeeling. Uncaring. So professional and emotionally detached that one would think Beatrix feels nothing at all in this exchange, except an irritation. In what, one can only theorise.

”I have never been so humiliated in my life.”

The castle stands above her and she finds in its centre, a couple of grandiose statues, some of the only things remaining that have yet to be broken down and destroyed. There is the lingering memory of Queen Brahne in search of Burmecia’s king, only to find by way of a charming and sinister man, the one who has provided her so much power to begin with, that the king has fled to the tree protected by the wind—Cleyra.

There are other things to note. A couple—Burmecian woman standing alongside a tailed statue that some may recognise as Zidane, the cunning and charismatic companion to many. They possess no movement. Only presence in colour doused in greys. And she hears herself again, the same chill wrapping her in tight embrace.

”I once killed a hundred knights single-handedly… To me, you two are nothing more than insects.”

Approaching them each, one after the other, Beatrix lifts a hand and she settles it to the forearm of the Burmecian she will one day come to know as Freya and it takes only touch for her to join her statued brethren. There is a moment’s pause as she examines a Zidane that once was part of her past. In Reverein, he may not have forgiven her, but he never seemed to hold her actions against her and Beatrix, to this moment, to this very breath, still cannot understand why. The only clue she has ever had is that the Beatrix of his future is different than the one who was the head of this calamity.

Settling hand to his shoulder, she puts him to rest, and lifts her chin to hear her voice once more. A woman who is only a part of her, but perhaps one she has yet to embrace. To this moment, she has only ever admonished and condemned herself, placing distance between her person and others, knowing that she would rather be hated than pitied, rather hated than forgiven.

”How ridiculously weak… Is there not anyone who is worthy of facing me?”

For the moments that follow, she simply stands in the rain, drenched, sword dropped low at her side, and she stares at the muted sombre sky, foreboding and dreadful. The words that follow are her own.

“The only thing I have granted to the Burmecian people is a grand tomb, forever frozen in time, place, and circumstance.”

They are the last and only words she manages to say before she too, turns to stone like those around her. This moment has no end. An interior part of her that refuses to weather and is only subjected to an infinite rain, marking the abrupt end to a dream that Beatrix never forces herself to finish.

Comments

[hearthwarming]

[ Oriphi leans into Beatrix as if she’s been wanting this very thing from the general from the very moment they crossed paths with one another today - because she has. She has wanted nothing more than to hug Beatrix, and though Ori is the one that is physically leaning on the other woman at the moment, she can only hope that Beatrix finds some semblance of comfort in the act. She rubs at her face with her free hand to wipe her tears away.

Beatrix doesn’t repel what she’s said entirely. Thank goodness. But Oriphi doesn’t want her to avoid giving into nightmare energy because of what the rest of them might face in such an event. ]

Don’t forget - for yourself too, Beatrix. We can only help you to the very best that we can if you want to help yourself, too…

That woman who stood in the rain… She’s always going to be a part of you. You’ll always carry her around in your heart. Sometimes she’ll feel like a bigger part of you, and sometimes she’ll stay in your past, and that’s okay. What’s important is … She isn’t all of you. [ She had told Diluc something very similar, once. ] The Beatrix I know likes chocolate and wine and roses and is a brilliant swordswoman. She has a troubled past, but so many of us do, too, in different ways… But the Beatrix that I know is just as important. She deserves to have a chance to live and grow and come to terms with her past.

[ Gods know, there are a great number of things that Ori herself isn’t proud of. Things that she did as a mercenary. Things that she and her friends were made to do on their great quest to seemingly save the world. But it’s thanks to those very same friends and the friends she’s made here that she feels as though she can move forward.

She lifts their joined hands together, stretching them out towards some of the wilted roses around them. ]

Roses may wilt and and fall apart, but we have to take them out so that new buds can grow in their place.

[roseofmay]

[Instead of replying immediately, she resolves to consider instead, just as she's done the entire conversation. Whether she agrees or disagrees is not necessarily so important in her eyes. But listening to Oriphi is, and making sure that current company knows she's listening is just as important.

She touches upon something that Beatrix has given a lot of thought to. Recognition of a person she once was, regardless of the situation. Acknowledgement that the version of her at that time is still a part of her.]

I thought I told you I was not partial to sweet things.

[Although she can't help being a touch amused. She didn't even finish all of the chocolate Oriphi gave to her. In fact, she's sure the remainder of it is somewhere in her kitchen that sees barely any action from her. There's truth in most of that, however. Wine. Roses. Her combat prowess, even if that's been used more for harm than good.

She remains as she is, thinking she's only doing so because of the circumstance. And likely because there aren't other eyes on her. Every once in a while, she can let down her defences. It's a rare happenstance. And Oriphi won't go telling anyone. Probably.

Depends on how much drink someone puts into her, probably.]

Betwixt the two of us, Oriphi, you are more the flower. Let us not make the mistake of thinking I am anything like one. I hear you plainly, regardless.

[hearthwarming]

[ Ori is so caught up in her emotions, she’s somewhat blindsided by Beatrix’s comment and falls silent for a few long moments. That’s right, isn’t it? Beatrix had turned down the offer for s’mores, and even then it took a while to convince her to take even a little piece of bittersweet chocolate…

Still, the memory of it brings an unbearably fond smile on Oriphi’s face, and she shakes her head with a little chuckle, glad to release some of that tension and emotion into the laughter. ]

Right. You did tell me that. I forgot…!

[ Still, she can’t be too upset with herself for forgetting, if only for the touch of amusement in Beatrix’s demeanor. She’s always happy to see Beatrix letting her guard down even the slightest bit. Each time is a precious gift, a sign that the other woman trusts and relies on her - which is exactly what she’s hoping for. The worst case scenario for Beatrix would be that Ori would tell Diluc. Something along the lines of, ”I spent time with Beatrix in the rose gardens today. I got her to smile!” But then the secret would die there, likely to be guarded with ferocity by the man who very much reminds her of Beatrix in a lot of ways, too. ]

Why can’t we both be flowers? You’re just like a rose, after all. So elegant, though you have your thorns. But that’s okay. Despite that, roses are still so beloved…

[ Just like you. ]

[roseofmay]

[Beatrix shakes her head, knowing very well that it doesn't really matter to her if people remember that or not. At the time, the only thing that was really important was the idea that Oriphi had been thinking about her. And curious. She showed interest in a woman who, at the time, was very clearly not keen on fulfilling any of that interest for anyone.

How much things have changed between then and now. Beatrix is not unrecognisable by any means. She still sees much of herself. Not necessarily stagnant, but she has developed a knack for patience she didn't think she would have. She has learned to temper herself, not unlike the way a smithy tempers a weapon.]

Am I, then.

[A rose. Others would likely agree. It's a bit on the nose, really. The hair. The rose insignia embroidered onto her garb. Beatrix's rather thorny attitude. The way she has, in some ways, dropped proverbial petals to showcase just a touch of what she might be like when she's not protecting herself so fiercely.]

I do not think I much like being perceived as soft or delicate. I think that suits you far more.

[She lingers as is for just a few moments before she releases Oriphi and takes a moment to fix some of the waves of the tiefling's hair that she might have dislodged in movement.]

Now, I believe I have had about as much as I can withstand of your sentimental coddling. I hope you had something more to pry me for than simply attempting to get to the root of my feelings, Oriphi.

[hearthwarming]

[ Ori is absolutely willing to keep going back and forth with Beatrix on this. She can be soft or delicate and still be a strong, formidable warrior. She doesn’t have to be one or the other all the time…

But, she also doesn’t want to push past Beatrix’s boundaries more than she already has. She’s happy concede on this for the time being, though perhaps she’ll slip it back into a conversation another time. She straightens her posture as they pull away from each other, lowering their joined hands back down between them before letting go. ]

Suit yourself. There is something else I’ve been wondering about, actually.

[ She looks down as she moves her hands back onto her lap, staring at her palms. ]

I’ve been thinking… That I would like to become a better fighter. I know my spells. And I know that I can cast them well. But when it comes to fighting head-on, all I can really rely on is my staff, or turning into a stronger animal…

[roseofmay]

[Beatrix can breathe easier. Just a touch, anyway, it seems, when Oriphi has the mercy to relent. She probably won't be able to make that happen a second time, though.

As Oriphi continues, she straightens up her posture and leaves her hands atop her lap. In light of what's happened, it's very understandable that she might want to pick up some additional skills. It's very likely that she's not the only one who feels that way. Even all together they weren't capable of breaking through to the real Eustace, after all.]

Have you said anything to Diluc about this? I can only imagine he would either offer to assist or request that you do no such thing. You are quite capable as you are, but I could understand having concern over your well being should you do anything too dangerous.

[hearthwarming]

[ Her gaze turns upwards in contemplation, recalling exactly that which Beatrix has asked about. At length, she hums affirmatively. ]

Mm, I have. We’ve talked about it. He agreed that I should train more, though… I mean, surely you’ve seen him fighting using his claymore, right?

[ She knows that her beloved is just as proficient in just about any other type of martial weaponry that would have been available to him. But when it comes down to it… hers and his strengths lie in entirely different things. ]

He’ll teach me, but I thought you might make a great teacher, too. You don’t have to accept, of course, but… I thought I’d ask.

[roseofmay]

I have seen it, yes. When I first arrived, he used it.

[A massive and impressive sword that he wielded with a great amount of ease. It is a difficult thing to imagine Oriphi using something similar. But the same could be said of Save the Queen. Beatrix may be a tall woman, though perhaps more slender than expected to wield such weight. Training, she supposes. All things are possible with adequate training, time, and patience.

As the tiefling continues, she wears the hint of a frown. It’s a… a strange thing to have someone want her mentorship. She’s not sure she can provide that in light of the things that have happened. Maybe she’ll feel differently in a month. In a few weeks. In days? She has no way of knowing. She’s not sure she would trust herself in such a role.]

Hm…

[She says nothing for several long moments and settles back against the bench thoughtfully.]

You understand that my skills have been used for horrid things, Oriphi. Not necessarily things of good. And you have also seen that my skills cannot stand against the Noctaere. I think you may… think higher of me than you ought to.

[hearthwarming]

[ Ori knows that she’s nowhere near as strong as Beatrix and Diluc. She can’t hope to be even half the swordsmen that they both are. But perhaps they can show her how to better wield one - a smaller, lighter one - so that if, spirits forbid, she ever finds herself in a situation where she cannot rely on her magic, she doesn’t have to rely entirely on her staff.

She waits for Beatrix’s response on baited breath, a long pause which she fills by idly plucking a rose from the nearest shrub and pulling at its petals one by one in her lap. At her friend’s words, she glances over with a wry smile. ]

I do understand, and I don’t think I think of you too highly.

It’s not quite the same for me, but I’ve used my own skills for some questionable things, too. I think a lot of us here have. [ She knows Diluc has. ] But that doesn’t mean you can’t begin to use them for better things. You did that when you fought Eustace. I know it feels like it wasn’t enough, but where would we all be right now, if you hadn’t been there to protect Tifa and the others?

There’s good in you, Beatrix. If I only saw the past in each person… Well, I wouldn’t have any friends, honestly. What you did was horrible. But… What’s why you have to work harder to make sure no one has to bear the same guilt that you have to. We’ve all got to do better.

[roseofmay]

I feel I ought to remind you that I was not able to protect Tifa or the others.

[And it's not a case of her feeling upset about it, though she does. Still. It's merely matter-of-fact. She failed to do what she ought to be good at doing. What she fails to address is that she knows she's done more than horrible things. The acts of Burmecia and Cleyra were only two things in her life. Probably the worst of the worst. They shouldn't define the rest of her servitude.

Unfortunately, they very well might.

Putting her weight in her hands, Beatrix tilts her head and she remains quiet for some moments before she finds her voice again.]

Yes. I suppose I can agree with much of that. I have never cared much what befalls me, but I do know I have had experiences I would not want others to share in. That, however, is not what you asked me. I would think Diluc to be the better swordsman betwixt us. I am not refusing your request. Perhaps I need time before I am inclined to do such a thing.

[hearthwarming]

[ Another argument is on the tip of Ori’s tongue, a desire to be insistent that Beatrix’s contributions during the fight were great and significant and saved them. They all had parts to play, that night. She knows it doesn’t feel like it, because she’s grappling with those feelings, too. That she should have been stronger, should have been tougher. But now they know what it’s like to face someone who’s been engulfed in their own nightmares and, spirits forbid, they’ll be able to do better next time.

She doesn’t voice any of it, however. Beatrix has already expressed that she’s had enough of Ori’s sentimentality for the day, and she’s going to respect that boundary.

And so at length, she nods understandingly. ]

Take your time. I’m not exactly raring to go right at this second, and Diluc wants to make sure that I’m fully recovered before we even think about beginning.

But, for what it’s worth, I think you’re both fantastic swordsmen. I’ll never forget how you fought when we first met, you know.

[ …Okay, maybe she can be forgiven for a little bit of sentimentality. This time, at least, it only manifests as nostalgia. ]

[roseofmay]

[She won’t say it, but she’s grateful that Oriphi doesn’t want something from her immediately. It’ll give her time to think about things. To get over herself, perhaps. And of course, to give Oriphi time to recover. All of them, in fact, need time to recover. Beatrix included, despite the way she likes doing this and that, pretending that she needs no such thing.

The others all know better.]

I remember that. You said something about not really being fond of being aboard ships.

[And Beatrix helped her then. Not just in terms of sword play. She underestimated Oriphi at the time. Thought she was some defenceless princess-like creature. And eventually, she learned that there was so much more to her. She may be all gentle and kind things, but she has a strength that is not easily seen or betrayed. It makes her a dangerous person and easily underestimated, which is to Oriphi’s credit.]

Things certainly have changed since then.

[hearthwarming]

They have, haven’t they?

[ Ori would very much like to go on and add that she believes that things have changed for the better, but she’s respecting Beatrix’s wishes not to get sentimental on her again. Still, she can’t help but think about back then… She hadn’t quite figured out how she felt about Thoma and Diluc, despite spending her every waking moment (as much as one can have in a dream world, at least) thinking about them. She had only begun to really get to know Eustace. She had only just met Tifa, too, when the younger woman appeared in one of Ori’s dreams of her childhood. She hadn’t met Susato yet, and then Trahearne, Aerith, Phantom, and Beat— they hadn’t even arrived to this realm, yet.

She nods along with a light laugh as she looks back on that moment and so many more moments fondly, despite the fact that it had been her very first encounter with noctaere, as well. In the end, it wasn’t the noctaere that made that encounter so special, anyway - it was meeting Beatrix.

Though, in thinking about how things have changed since those days… Of people that she met within dreams… ]

So… Did Dohalim help you get warmed up the other night…?

[roseofmay]

They have.

[Beatrix nods in a quiet, subdued agreement, clearly playing back through the varied things they've been through just since her arrival. She's not certain when Oriphi arrived and she's never asked, because it doesn't really matter. It's plain that any of them who've been about for a while have certainly experienced many things. Perhaps she hasn't realised just how much until the present moment.

She's still thinking when she hears what Oriphi says next.

"Did Dohalim help you get warmed up the other night...?"

Beatrix pauses and after some moments she very slowly looks over to the tiefling, as if she can't exactly believe that someone would even ask. She's still a bit agitated that others decided to get him involved because she was very much inclined to say nothing to him.

Partially to keep him safe. Partially to keep him from worrying about her. And she succeeded in one of those, but not the other. He didn't bother to chide her about it, probably realising she was in no state to suffer any such thing.]

Well—

[Beatrix clears her throat. So much for trying to keep that under wraps. She has Eustace and Tifa to thank for that, doesn't she.]

You could just ask him since it seems you two are so close.

[hearthwarming]

[ To her credit, and likely to Eustace and Tifa’s detriment, she’s done a swell job of keeping that under wraps. It took much for Oriphi to even realize that Eustace and Tifa were in a relationship, and if not for their remarks, it probably would have taken her even longer to realize the same of Beatrix and Dohalim.

It feels as if it’s the wrong time to be talking about this sort of thing, especially given Beatrix’s dream, but… Ori can’t help it. She cares about her, and she’s sincerely happy to come into the knowledge that Beatrix has connected with someone on such a deep, intimate level. That there’s someone here who cares about Beatrix and will care for her the way that she deserves to be cared for. And that that person is Dohalim… Ori has faith in the both of them.

And to that end… ]

Well, not as close as you two seem to be?

[ Ah, the more mischievous side of her can come out when it comes to these things… ]

I know you wanted nothing more to be alone that night, but… I couldn’t just let that be, I’m sorry. I know I probably overstepped my bounds. But we’re all really hard on ourselves - maybe too much so. And I wanted to know that there would be someone there for you to remind you of that.

And to warm you up.

[roseofmay]

[Beatrix clears her throat once more, covering up the idea that she still has no idea how to discuss things of this magnitude with anyone. It was only about a month before that she said something to Tifa and the nature of her relationship with Dohalim is… complicated. Complicated enough that their encounters are scattered, not at all routine, and she still likely doesn’t spend as much time with him as he deserves. They have not developed habits with one another. There is no frequent occurrence of holding hands, of touching faces, of threading fingers through hair.

These things do happen. On occasion. In dire situations most, it seems. And every time they do, Beatrix wonders if she can handle it after keeping others away from her for so long. Just thinking about it makes her feel a touch feverish. Undeserved, really. She doesn’t deserve someone like Dohalim, and through all of this, he has been nothing but supportive.]

It would have been easier to be on my own that night. There are sides to me that I would not want others to see. It had been enough to let you and the others witness that. To show weakness, vulnerability, to Dohalim… To me, that has always felt unacceptable, though he would never agree. Seems he…

[Loosing a sigh, Beatrix presses her weight into her hands, wondering if the stability of the bench will keep her in one piece.]

Seems it does not matter who or how I am. Dohalim has made his choice. I never know what to do about that. He accomplished what you meant for him to, even against my wishes. I am thankful for it, regardless.

[hearthwarming]

[ Oriphi listens with rapt attention, her expression warm and fond as she observes Beatrix and takes in her every word. Truthfully, when she had reached out to Dohalim that night, a part of her hadn’t been sure of the exact nature of his relationship with Beatrix. Close enough that he would be able to support her through the aftermath of such a harrowing encounter, surely, but… She didn’t want to assume.

Beatrix’s words leave no room for doubt, however, and she finds herself sincerely happy for the both of them. She knows Dohalim less than Beatrix, but he’s always struck her as a man of upstanding character. Maybe he’s not perfect - but are any of them? Oriphi sure isn’t.

She makes a note to herself to thank him again later, for not leaving her alone that night despite the fact that she must have been upset to not be left alone. ]

The people who are worth keeping by your side…

[ She turns her head, and her gaze falls to a single red rose blooming on a bush beside them, its scarlet tones reminding her of a certain someone’s eyes and hair. ]

They see you for all of your weaknesses and flaws but stay by your side, anyway. Because they know that even for all of that… The good in you outshines it all. It’s hard to feel deserving of that. I know, because I’ve felt that way too. But it’s also a precious gift that shouldn’t be squandered.

[ She smiles at Beatrix again, letting the curl of her lips pull at the corners of her eyes, too. ]

I’m very glad that you have someone like that, and that you’re letting yourself accept that gift.

[roseofmay]

[She could go on, she’s sure. Cycle through why exactly she’s a poor fit for someone like Dohalim. For anyone, really. But she doubts she needs to say it. It’s very likely that anyone who knows her already knows she must be thinking that way. For all that she’d like to say that she’s difficult to read, she suspects that’s likely not at all to be the case.

Instead of issuing any sort of argument, she simply listens. Oriphi’s right in ways that Beatrix wishes she wasn’t. Nothing she can do about that, however. No matter how much she may or may not agree, she doesn’t seem inclined to address it so outwardly. It’d be easier to just leave it where it is. She’s listened, after all. Isn’t that the most one could ask of her, given the recent days?

When Oriphi continues, she shifts a little, still uncomfortable with the notion of discussing her relationship with Dohalim in any capacity. Things were so much easier when she was hiding it. Now… Well. People may come to wonder why Beatrix won’t let herself be seen in public with him for anything that isn’t professional in some way.]

Yes, well.

[She airs a soft scoff, trying to dismiss it to the best of her ability.]

It is what it is. I cannot seem to change it. I have no control over his free will or whatever he sees fit to do with his time.

[As if she has no feelings of her own, which is plainly not true.]

[hearthwarming]

[ It hasn’t escaped Oriphi, the way that they continue to talk about her relationship with Dohalim and yet not, given the way that Beatrix has barely spoken of her own feelings when it comes to the matter. She can hazard a guess as to how Dohalim feels, given the messages they had exchanged that night (though to his credit, Ori still hadn’t been completely sure where he and Beatrix stood even after writing him). And she knows how she feels about the two of them: she is happy for them, and she can see all of the ways that they might be a good fit for one another. And she knows that navigating these sorts of relationships, and how they come to be - it’s difficult to grapple with, in a realm made of something as fickle and fleeting as dreams.

But still, she doesn’t know: how does Beatrix feel about all of this…?

Apart from the fact that she feels undeserving of it. Because of course she does. Ori felt that way once, too. ]

…How do you feel, Beatrix? Does it make you happy, being with him? To know that you can rely on him when things are difficult, like they were that night?

[roseofmay]

[It's a dreaded question, actually, one of the ones that Beatrix has continuously hoped someone else wouldn't ask her. It's not because she doesn't have any feelings for the peacocking redheaded former lord. It's because she doesn't want to have to talk about them. Having to even remotely imply them to Dohalim had been almost like pulling teeth out of her. To someone else...

It's much easier to dance around the subject, admit that he's good to her and treats her well and leave it at that, which was precisely what she told Eustace and Tifa when they enquired. And right after that, she admitted that she couldn't put much faith into a relationship that wasn't going to last in a world she couldn't stay in.

A very complicated conversation that one was.]

I would like it very much if I did not need to answer questions like that.

[She has to be honest. It makes her uncomfortable. Of course, the only way to get over that is to actually just talk about it.]

I acknowledge that he treats me well and kindly. Is that not enough?

[No, of course it isn't. Because she needs to actually be able to confront her own feelings.]

[hearthwarming]

[ For the most part, Oriphi is content to leave Beatrix and her apparent allergic reaction to talk about feelings well enough alone. She tries to be mindful of other’s boundaries, and she never wants to overstep in fear of… Well, of being turned away, at the heart of it.

But in the wake of everything, lately… She finds herself feeling a little… bothered that even in this, Beatrix wants to avoid talking about how she feels and seems to want to pretend that her own feelings aren’t important.

So the tiefling says something she doesn’t often say: ]

No.

[ She hesitates, then, drawing in a deep breath as if to keep herself from blabbering on. ]

I mean. It’s good to acknowledge that… But you can’t pretend your own feelings don’t exist. It’s not good for you, or for him. [ Then, she sighs. ] I’m sorry. I don’t mean to preach. Your relationship with Dohalim isn’t for me to intervene with or anything, I just…

I would hate to see you keep yourself from chasing happiness.

[roseofmay]

['No' is not what Beatrix expects to hear and it admittedly catches her almost immediately by surprise. But when Oriphi continues, what she says is sound. Logical. Beatrix has an instinct to retort, but instead, she simply says nothing to begin with. After a beat of consideration, she tips her head thoughtfully.]

I know what my own feelings are well enough. I just do not like sharing them. I... suppose that is unfair to Dohalim. I act incapable of saying the things he deserves hear or should hear. I withhold intentionally simply for my own comfort. Not just him either. I am that way with everyone.

[She shakes her head.]

And the only excuse I have is that I am trying to protect myself.

[Loosing a breath, Beatrix shifts her weight, lifting a hand into her hair before she shakes it about loosely.]

I appreciate Dohalim. I... like and value his companionship, what challenge he presents to me in his varied ways. I accept that he has deep feelings for me and I have mine for him in my own way. I may not be able to say it, to tell him the way he deserves, but words are not the only ways to express something. If I did not want it, I would not tolerate his presence. I do not do things that I do not care to.

[At least, not in this world.]

[hearthwarming]

[ She listens dutifully, and though she smiles at Beatrix, there’s a melancholic veil that tints her expression. Her words are painfully familiar, and yet it’s in that familiarity that she feels reassured. Because it means that Beatrix knows she does this, and that in itself is a step away from simply denying it all - which is what Oriphi had been worried about.

At length, she sighs in a bit of relief and shakes her head, unable to help herself from once again drawing a comparison… ]

You and Diluc really are alike.

[ Still, it’s said most fondly and without any hint of exasperation, despite how difficult it had been to grapple with their different ways of expressing feelings when they first began their relationship. Thoma, of course, played a big part in encouraging both he and Ori to open up more. In his absence, perhaps the two of them have fallen back on some old habits, brought to light only in the wake of what happened with Eustace. Since then, they’ve pledged to never hide from one another, and because of that she has faith that one day Beatrix may stop hiding her heart from others. Or at the very least, from Dohalim. ]

I feel a lot better after hearing all of that. I’m sorry to have forced it out of you. I don’t… Normally want to, but… I just want to see you be happy, Beatrix. And you don’t have to feel pressured to show it in the same ways that others do. Just be yourself, but all of yourself. Don’t hide from Dohalim.

[ With a sweeter smile, she adds: ] I really am happy for you both, you know.

[roseofmay]

["You and Diluc really are alike."

Beatrix can't even be surprised by the observation because she's certainly drawn lines betwixt them more than once. It also means, however, that Oriphi probably has a greater understanding of her as a result. Maybe a kind of understanding that she doesn't want another to have. Harder to hide herself when that's the case.

She tilts her head, eyeing Oriphi wordlessly as she listens and considers the reflections of herself that she's found in others. And then she looses a sigh. Feels like nothing she could say would be good enough.]

That. [She begins thoughtfully before she clears her throat.] That is a work in progress. [Beatrix leans back against the bench and she lifts her chin to eye the sky.] There are a lot of things in the way. Things that I do not know what to do about. Things I assume just require time. Things that may not go away with time, or not in time soon enough.

[Then she looses a short-lived laugh.] I think all things considered, Dohalim is not going to be inclined to let me hide much. That said, I am certain if you share your enthusiasm with him, he will meet it with his own.