tag urself

[helluvaboss]

Sender: Blitzø
Subject: tag urself

Comments

sender: della duck

[sos_pilot]

okay i'm a little behind on slang so there's a lot here I'm just not getting

that said Lollygagger is a pirate so I'm sticking with her because that's awesome

I don't suppose you'd like to know about the murder-pony kelpies or the headless manhorse that works for my uncle?

[helluvaboss]

YES YES YES DISH THE DEETS THOSE SOUND AMAZING

[sos_pilot]

Happy to do so! Kelpies first!

Okay so, backstory time! My uncle was taking my kids golfing because he think it's exciting, whatever. As he was teaching them, one of my uncle's rivals/enemies, Flintheart Glomgold showed up, and challenged Scrooge and the kids to an 18 hole round of golf! But little did they know that they would wander into

~*~A SPOOKY OTHER WORLD OF MAGIC~*~

That's where the kelpies come in. Apparently they look like tiny fat horses that can talk, and encourage people to climb on their backs for a ride.

BUT THAT WAS A RUSE! Their real goal was to have their riders DROWN IN THE MURKY WATERS BELOW!

[helluvaboss]

THATS SO FUCKING AWESOME holy shit

how do they drown em like do they bite them and pull them under like a sewer gator

[sos_pilot]

It's mostly just trickery - they convince people to hop on and then they ride into the ocean.

But as it turns out they're not totally evil - see, my fam were now in a place with a ~magically cursed~ golf course, that would turn everyone to stone unless someone finished all eighteen holes. The kelpies thought drowning was a better death than turning to stone. For some reason. I dunno, horse logic, man.

[helluvaboss]

dawww what a buncha dummies

drowning takes WAY longer and totally fuckin sucks

theyre so cute and stupid I love them

[sos_pilot]

Oh it gets better!

So my family won - more to the point, my SON won because he is AWESOME and can do ANYTHING he puts his mind to and KICKS BUTT - so they were allowed to leave and go home. But the murder-ponies were nice enough to whip up a trophy to give him! Misspelled his name but the good intention was there.

... Come to think of it, they never got an explanation to HOW they made a trophy what with... hooves. Also, one wore a hat.

[helluvaboss]

OMG UR A PARENT ME TOO

those kelpies sound RAD I love them

[sos_pilot]

Sweet! How many kids do you have? I'm a mom of three! Triplets! Huey, Dewey, and Louie!

[helluvaboss]

THATS SO CUTE

I have one adopted daughter!! Her name is Loona and shes PERFECT. She was here before me and maybe shell come back!

[sos_pilot]

Well TBF (to be fair, as the kids say) those weren't the names I picked. Long story. But I've come to love 'em!

... i know that name hang on

Wait, YOU were Loona's dad? No way! I met her, she was so awesome! Kind of a lone wolf thing going on (get it) but a good kid, I could tell. You raised her right.

[helluvaboss]

[There's a little bit of time before he replies again - he just needs a break to let out a happy and proud sob that kinda trails into a lonely one - but eventually he writes again, about ten minutes later.]

She's the BEST and she's so cool and I'm so PROUD OF HER

[sos_pilot]

[ Huh. What's with the hold up? Della pauses... well. She supposes if someone came up to her and said "Oh, your son that was only here for a little while? Met him! He's amazing! You did a great job there!" she'd need

several moments

to handle that.

So she chuckles quietly, waiting patiently... which gives her time to think. That's not the only familiar name that's been mentioned here. Where HAS she seen the name Blitzo before? ]

If you need a minute or two more, big guy, go for it. No big plans today. Gives me time to write up the story about the headless man-horse!

[ ... Story, story, story... did she see that name in a story somewhere...? ]

[helluvaboss]

[ERK it was obvious huh. After a bit he awkwardly scribbles a response.]

NO BIGGIE Im fine just had ta grab something

[sos_pilot]

so you DON'T want to hear about Manny, the headless man-horse, in all his headless horse-ness glory?

[ just teasing, bro. and yes we're bros now. it's official. ]

[helluvaboss]

MANNY i fucking love him LAY IT ON ME BIG MAMMA

[sos_pilot]

okay once again backstory time

My uncle, Scrooge McDuck, is the world's richest duck, greatest explorer and adventurer, and he's gone around the world a bajillion times collecting all kinds of treasures and artifacts

He has separate places for stuff that are cursed or dangerous, but decided the "Comes Alive After Being Touched A Certain Amount" stuff should go in the garage

old people, man

Anyway! My kids went exploring in there and accidentally woke up a golden dragon, a pirate ghost, and THE HEADLESS MAN HORSE! An ancient creature from the dawn of ages who has been endlessly seeking a head of his own, even if it means taking someone else's!

All three of them teamed up to go after my babies but Scrooge stepped in to kick some serious tail-feathers! He rode the dragon all around and forced it back into its place! He used a loophole to undo the ghost's summoning! Now it was just the headless manhorse, who was bucking and riding and stomping all over the place, ready to rip off anyone's head!

So Scrooge gave it the head from a statue of himself, problem solved. In fact, Manny (as we all call him now, just easier) decided to repay Scrooge's gratitude by working for him for the rest of his unnatural life!

he's the assistant for one of my uncle's scientists

i don't know why

also he talks in morse code by stomping his hooves, and he does rock a mean lab coat

[helluvaboss]

[BYOTIFUL... Blitzø will happily enjoy storytime. He doodles a few hearts on the page.]

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

1/3

[sos_pilot]

Boy, Blitzo, you really love horses, huh?

[ wait. something's firing here.

Blitzo + Horses + Story + Familiarity equals = ]

NOW I know where I've seen that name before! That's the stableboy from Stolas' sexy stories!

2/3

[sos_pilot]

3/3

[sos_pilot]

WHO WANTS TO PRETEND I DIDN'T JUST WRITE THAT

[helluvaboss]

[STOLAS PLEASE... but while part of him is definitely annoyed and embarrassed, he decides to lean into the other emotion instead.]

L O L

[sos_pilot]

wait you're cool with this?

you're not insanely mortified or anything?

cause I was just about to make up a whole excuse and and throw this book into the nearest river and deny everything

[ does della actually get to avoid consequences??? ]

[helluvaboss]

hes a fucking horny ass bird ok he can barely keep it in his pants when we're in public

I am 0% surprised and the fact that he's writing about my giant dong is funny as fuck, im gonna find them and read them

u better hope he doesn't find out tho he'll get flustered and bitchy about it

[sos_pilot]

well congrats i guess???

but this is all public so it's a matter of time

so i'm gunna up the locks on my door just in case