dreamcrystals | Il primo sogno

Sender: Nico
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive Dream Recording.
Warnings: Many Percy Jackson and Heroes of Olympus spoilers, canon typical violence, Internalized Homophobia. Dialogue taken directly from Chapter 36 from The House of Hades
Notes: This takes place while Nico is on the Argo. So if you want to interact with him there about this personally, you can.

The dream started in the middle of some Roman ruins of what was once Salona, the former capital of Dalmatia. It was him and Jason Grace fighting against an invisible Cupid.

Cupid, or Eros, was one of the few gods that genuinely terrified Nico. Love was an emotion he had a very complicated relationship with.

And he was here with a boy he barely knew. He had worked with Jason Grace, the golden boy Praetor of New Rome.

Oh, did you expect me to play fair? Cupid laughed. I am the god of love; I am NEVER fair.

The invisible god kept attacking, Jason striking arrows out of the air. All the arrows were aimed at Nico.

"Is this guy Love or Death?" Jason growled.

Ask your friends, Cupid said. Frank, Hazel, and Percy met my counterpart, Thanatos. We are not so different. Except Death is sometimes kinder.

An arrow struck Nico in the arm, it hurt, but the physical pain was nothing compared to the rage and fear. He knew what Cupid's arrows were capable of. The God of Love could affect even the Olympians themselves, with Apollo being his most famous victim. He struck Daphne with a lead-tipped arrow and Apollo with a gold-tipped one, making the god love the nymph and making her despise him.

What type of arrow did he just strike Nico with? Lead or gold. He hoped it wasn't gold. It would be a disaster if it were gold.

Jason was arguing with Cupid, and Nico wasn't really trying to keep up. He had to focus on keeping his secret. He didn't trust Jason with it. But he didn't want to see the other boy hurt because of him either.

"Stop it!" Nico yelled after Jason was knocked around by Cupid again. "It's me you want. Leave him alone!"

Poor Nico di Angelo. The god spoke as if he was disappointed. To Nico, it sounded like mockery. Do you know what you want, much less what I want? My beloved Psyche risked everything in the name of Love. It was the only way to atone for her lack of faith. And you—what have you risked in my name?

"I've been to Tartarus and back," Nico snarled. "You don't scare me."

I scare you very, very much. Face me. Be honest.

"Give us Diocletian's scepter," Nico said. "We don't have time for games."

Games? Cupid struck, slapping Nico sideways into a granite pedestal. Love is no game! It is no flowery softness! It is hard work—a quest that never ends. It demands everything from you—especially the truth. Only then does it yield rewards.

"Nico," Jason called, "what does this guy want from you?"

Tell him, Nico di Angelo, Cupid said. Tell him you are a coward, afraid of yourself and your feelings. Tell him the real reason you ran from Camp Half-Blood and why you are always alone.

Nico opened his mouth and let out a war scream. Zombie soldiers headed his call, bursting from the land and attacking the god.

Will you hide among the dead, as you always do? Cupid taunted.

Memories flashed before Nico's eyes. Meeting Percy for the first time. Nico had been eleven, almost twelve, and the other boy was amazing! He protected him and Bianca from the manticore, which was incredibly scary. When he fought, it was like a hero from a half-remembered story the vague, faceless memory of his mother once told him.

Percy Jackson was crazy, but he was a hero. He was dashing, with those sea green eyes, and the way he wielded a sword made Nico think of those pirate movies, kinda crazy like Johnny Depp's character but heroic like Orlando Bloom's. The more he learned, the more perfect, the older boy became.

He was perfect.

A hero. And Nico could use a hero. He was always a little odd, the memory was gone, but that knowledge was there. He would become obsessed with things easily, and they would become the center of his world, annoying Bianca and everyone else. First, or the first he remembered, it was pirates, then it was Mythomagic. He was called a geek and a nerd and taunted the other boys at Westover behind his back. He just never fit in. And while he knew he annoyed Percy a little, the older boy tried to be patient with him. That was more than any else, except for Bianca, ever did, and Bianca had just abandoned him.

And besides that, he had a secret, a truth that no amount of memory erasure could remove.

He liked –

Another memory; Bianca going off on her first quest, a mere few days after becoming one of Artemis' hunters, along with Zoe Nightshade, who wasn't the meanest of hunters to him, but she was the one to suggest Bianca join them.

He had to go, follow them, and ensure Bianca was safe. That even though he was mad at her for leaving him for her, as the other hunters put it, "new family," he was still her brother, and he loved her.

But Percy stopped him. Percy was going to go. Percy was a hero; Percy was strong. Percy could protect her while Nico couldn't. What could he do anyway? He was eleven. Percy was fourteen! He was experienced! He could do it, Percy was a hero, and Nico thought the world of him. Even though it was only a few days, he knew Percy was amazing! He felt it in his gut. In his –

Percy coming back, the excitement of his and the other quest-goer's return. It meant his sister was back!

He got to the big house. "Where's my sister?" No one answered him.

Percy took him aside, telling him the bad news. He knew it was true; he had felt her die, had dreamt of her standing before the judges that served Hades, of her going to Elysium because of her sacrifice to save the others.

Then the zombies attacked. Evil ones, nasty ones. Ones that weren't right. They were going to hurt Percy! He couldn't let that happen!

He commanded them to stop and then had the earth itself swallow them up.

Nico was wrong. This power was wrong compared to everyone else's at Camp Half-Blood. He was wrong. His lack of memories, his emotions, the fact he –

The memories were flooding him as he screamed and screamed and screamed. Percy accused him of wanting to kill him at the Triple G ranch; where had he gotten that idea? He hated Percy (no, he didn't, he hated what Percy represented), but he didn't want to KILL him.

The ceremony to summon the ghosts, how even the cyclops said his powers, the powers he inherited from his father, his birthright, were unnatural.

How Bianca had been talking to Percy and not him. How she shunned him. She knew. She knew, she knew, she knew, and she hated him for it –

Taking Percy before his father, Hades, Lord of the Dead. His father going back on his word. He had trusted him! He didn't want to hurt Percy. He didn't want him trapped in the underworld.

But, of course, his father pointed out just how much of a failure he was. How much better Bianca was. Of course. It was true, after all.

Going to rescue Percy, he was going to make it right! Waking the older boy up, then Percy attacked him. Something in his dream must have triggered it, but even with the sleep clear from the Son of Poseidon's eyes, he could see the other boy meant to kill him.

Nico wasn't angry. He deserved it for shattering Percy's trust in him. It didn't matter that he didn't mean to do it; it didn't matter that Nico only had –

On the banks of the River Styx, after finally helping Percy get the curse of Achilles so he could fight on even footing against Kronos. He stared at the older boy in amazement. Percy had just defeated Hades' army. And then telling him to stay down here to make Hades listen to reason.

It was a death sentence.

"You don't trust me anymore."

Percy didn't answer.

Nico's heart broke –

Nico was just out of the jar, and he could feel Percy's stare. He wanted answers, and Nico gave them to him, knowing that the other wanted to hurt him for keeping secrets from him. From not telling him the truth. And as much as Nico didn't like Hera, he couldn't go against her. He couldn't go against his father, who had told him to keep Camp Jupiter and Camp Half-Blood from knowing about each other. Nico wanted to cry at how unfair it was –

Nico looked down over the hole in the ground, where Percy and Annabeth were hanging by Percy's fingertips. Percy makes him promise to get the others to the Doors of Death. Nico, remembering the promise he once made Percy make, nodded and swore he would. And even if he hadn't made Percy promise him to keep Bianca safe, he would have done it anyway.

Almost everything Nico did since coming out of The Labyrinth; he did out of love for Perseus Jackson.

The rage at Cupid for dragging all this up. The pain of having relived it again. And just how much he fucking hated himself for being a freak. Son of Hades, a child of a different time, the boy without memories, necromancer, queer.

He was tired. He was so tired.

He didn't know what he was saying. Jason was talking, saying he got it. Cupid said he was running from his friends. He didn't have friends. He had a sister in Hazel, but that was it.

And he was scared that even she would turn on him if she knew.

Jason was still talking, and it hit Nico that he knew. He knew Nico's shame.

And all the fight washed out of him.

"I hated myself," he admitted. "I hated Percy Jackson." And finally, Cupid became visible. He looked exactly like Percy, except with wings as white as snow and eyes blood ruby red instead of the sea emerald green that Nico had grown to adore. "I had a crush on Percy Jackson," he spat at the god. Saying it like that trivialized it, he knew, but he didn't want to give it more attention than it deserved. He wanted to be over it. He never once thought that Percy would look his way like that. Never once entertained the thought that they could be in a relationship.

Never once thought that he could be truly happy since the Battle of the Labyrinth. "That's it. That's the big secret. Happy now?"

Cupid was speaking, but it wasn't the right words. It wasn't words at all. It was gibberish. Then, Cupid's hair began to lighten to –

The dream ended.