dreamcrystals | Entry 001

Well, staying angry doesn't exactly get anything done. [It's also easier to hide how he feels when he's just writing to someone in a book.]

Your words have me curious what sort of lifestyle you had before coming here. You don't have to tell me though, if you're not comfortable talking about it.

[ Even if he might still be working through some stuff, at least Kazuma seems to have the mental tools to handle it logically. Hopefully. In any case, that's more than some people can say.

And maybe there's something telling in the hesitant pause before she writes back, but, ]

That's a complicated question to answer.
I've lived in a few different places before, and they weren't very much like each other.
The way my life was in each one varied a lot.

[ She was always in a cage, though; it was the size that shifted from place to place. ]

Were you wondering about some part of it in particular?

[ That might be a little easier for her to answer if she knows what made him ask in the first place. ]

Well, it's just, you don't have much confidence in yourself, do you? [It's not meant to come off mean, Kazuma is usually just to the point on things.]

When we talk, I get the sense you've been spoken down to often, that you aren't usually given a voice on things.

[ Fortunately, Naminé's never been one to take offense so easily. Still, there is a distinct pause on her end as she processes this assessment, lips parted slightly in surprise. Once she's had a moment to gather herself, she has to admit, ]

I can't say that you're wrong.
For a long time, I wasn't really treated as a person very often.
That changed a little while ago, but even during that time when others started to be kinder to me, I was in a very dangerous world.

[ So not the most positive of circumstances, no. She can concede easily enough, albeit soberly, ]

I guess it's true that I've never learned to have faith in myself.
Not the way some people seem to.

[Not even treated as a person...?]

Do you have any of those people here with you? Kind people you consider friends?

[ It occurs to Naminé that that might have been the kindest question to ask in and of itself. So she's glad to be able to reply, ]

Yes, I do.
Many of them came here with me, and I've met nice people here, too.
I was very relieved, since it wasn't that way in my last world.

I see. Keep them close then.

Even if they aren't with you, it may help to think about them when you're at your lowest. Though you may struggle to find yourself, you clearly mean something to them, right?

I know that I have to hold them dear.
I owe it to them to look after them, like they have me.

[ Though she might still feel the urge to keep distance for their sake sometimes, after living in a world of nightmares for a while she's learned that they're pretty much always better off collectively watching each others' backs. And it's good advice, even if it takes her a faltering few seconds to respond. ]

Memories are what keep us going, it's true.
And I know that I have to say 'yes'. Otherwise, I would make them upset.
It's still hard for me to believe sometimes, but they do care.

[ Which she chalks up more to them having big hearts than herself actually earning a place in them, yet the end result is more or less the same. ]

You have to say 'yes'? [She knows she "has to"...? Interesting choice of words.]

Well, believing is the first step towards believing in yourself. [The journal won't pick up his laughter at the irony of it all. He hardly takes his own advice sometimes.] It's what I would tell my best friend who struggled to find himself as well, a long ago.

I do. [ Because whether she can believe it easily or not, ] If they were reading this, they'd want me to. It doesn't really matter what I think.

[ Which sounds more ominous than she means it to, honestly. But she can get the whole 'believing in yourself' thing, anyway. Perking a little, ]

Your best friend had those kinds of problems, too?

[ Somehow, that's comforting - although of course she knows her situation is pretty unique as far as figuring out how to be a person is concerned. Still, her curiosity is piqued. ]

Did things turn out well for him?

I'm of the opinion you should answer how you actually feel. Not what others think you should. If there's something you disagree with me on a matter, then tell me why you feel that way.

[Makes him wonder if she's only agreeing with him, but not actually sharing the same sentiment.]

He was often down on himself. Didn't think he was worth anyone's time, especially not from his best friend who was an honor student at the University. But I've stuck with him, even at his lowest moment, when the world believed him to be a criminal. I think he learned the value of having just one person on his side, and he took it to heart in order to help others that have been in his position.

[Writing makes it difficult to tell tone, but there's warmth and happiness as he talks about his best friend.]

I'm honestly proud how far he's gotten on his own two feet.

[ His concerns are reasonable enough, based on what she's said; realizing as much, she's quick to try to clarify. ]

It's not that simple.
It's more like

[ How is she to describe it? Her writing pauses, somewhere between thoughtful and hesitant. A dot appears, a cut-off word; finally, ]

They do care about me. But it's not really because of me.
They're kind people, is all. And if there's anything that might make them stop caring, they haven't heard about it yet.
So I know that if I acted like they didn't care, it would hurt their feelings.
I don't want to do that. It wouldn't be true, anyway.
It's just more complicated than saying that I believe they do or that I believe they don't.

[ Really the issue here appears to be more a matter of how she perceives her relationships and her place in them than because she's being two-faced in any way. She's got the belief part, just not believing in herself yet. Then again, there's a certain implication in those 'things they haven't heard about yet'...

She might have something in common with his best friend, really. In any case, Naminé can gather enough from the writing to appreciate the potential tone; Kazuma doesn't seem the type to spare so many words on someone who didn't matter to him. Smiling despite herself, ]

That reminds me a lot of someone I know very well.
He never gives up on his friends, even when they fight. I've always really admired how much he cares about others.
It sounds like you've done the same thing for your friend that he does for his best friend.

[ Which speaks very well of Kazuma, in her opinion. ]

I'm glad. The worlds need people who are so loyal and brave.

[He reads over her words a few times. Not because of her? Things they haven't heard about yet...?] I think I understand. There are things you have doubts about yourself, but are still a part of who you are. Complicated things you haven't shared, because you think it would change their perception of you? [Maybe he's just thinking about himself when he says this. People only see what he's willing to show. He isn't lying persay, just that he isn't proud about that side of himself to really be open to others about it.]

A simple supportive gesture can go a long way. Doesn't have to be anything dramatic. [Says the man who was willing to give up his exchange program to save his best friend.] I take it he did something for you as well?

[ Kazuma's not too far off, really - although there's still a lot that could be clarified. ]

Part of it is like you say.
I've made mistakes in the past. Even though they deserve to know the truth about that and about me, I can't tell them all of it yet.
Some of that information could be really dangerous, especially to one of the people I care about the most
and while we're in a place like this, there would be no way to fix it if something terrible happened because of it.

[ Which probably sounds so strange from the outside, when one isn't aware of all the magic and carefully crafted connections involved. Still... Naminé's not so lacking in self-awareness or so filled with pride as to claim herself to have entirely altruistic motivations. ]

But it is true that I'm afraid of what they might think of me, too.
I want to believe that they would forgive me, but I could never blame them if they didn't.

[ As someone who lived a long time without even small kindnesses, Naminé can agree with Kazuma on that first point from the latter part of his message. Her response, though, is mostly taken over by answering the question. ]

He did.

[ She might be slightly surprised by the accuracy of the deduction, but lets it pass in favor of addressing the inquiry. ]

I owe him my life. He saved me more than once, ~~and~~

[ She pauses, scratches out the last word, then rethinks and takes the eraser to the rest of the sentence, then the two before it. Too late, anyway; Kazuma will have been able to read it if he was watching for it. Instead, ]

He's done more for me than I can tell you.

Edited 2022-01-17 06:32 (UTC)

[As a man who carries his own skeletons in his closet, he can relate to this. Though Naminé's case sounded far more grim. ]

I see. In a place like this, there's a chance that information may not stay secret forever. I would prepare for that possibility.

[Speaking from experience? Probably.]

Still, I think you'll have someone on your side, no matter what happens. This friend sounds like he's very devoted to the well-being of those he cares for afterall. I think you are in good hands.

[ Preparing might be easier said than done, but... ]

I know that you're right.
When everyone's dreams are on display so often, there's really no telling what people might find out about.
It's just that preparing might be risky, too.

[ She hasn't really engaged her powers here as of yet, not with the kind of direct intent she'd need to apply them with to fix the issue. And with the way magic in general seems to have changed here... well, even at the best of times, an ability like hers can be tremendously dangerous. ]

He is, and I am. No matter what he finds out, I don't think he would turn his back on me.
Not without a good reason.

[ Like needing his memories repaired, and having to forget her in order to accomplish that. She doesn't resent that decision; it was the right choice to make. ]

But sometimes that worries me more.
Even though he's helped so many people, he never seems to look after himself the same way.

[......Pardon if the response isn't immediate. He's chuckling to himself, mostly because he's been that person who forgets to take care of himself, along with knowing others who are the same way.]

Have you told him this? About taking care of himself?

[ Though she's not quite sure why it's delayed, Naminé doesn't think much of the pause; she certainly wouldn't expect him to be chuckling, even if she did give it consideration. ]

I've tried to.
He said he knew I was right, and that he needed to work on that, but he didn't promise me.
I'm not sure he can promise something like that without breaking it.

[ Probably right away, in fact. ]

Probably not. Maybe impossible for someone like that. But I think knowing others are worried about him, there for him no matter what, that has value to them I'm sure.

I'm sure it does, too.

[ Will it ever stop him from sacrificing himself, either fully or in part? Probably not. It feels rather bittersweet. ]

But it's hard.
He's done so much for me that I want to protect him in return, even though he's strong on his own.
And yet if I tried to stop him from doing what he has to to save others, it'd be like forcing him to be someone else.
Someone who isn't the person who would do all those things that I owe him for in the first place.

Well, he can't be himself if something terrible were to happen to him. Though, I suspect you've likely told him this.

With someone set in their way, you can only continue to support them. They'll have to learn the lesson on their own, unfortunately. [Which is, probably a harsh thing to say, but not wrong. You learn from doing afterall.]

In slightly different words.

[ Still, that's close enough, certainly. And while some might take such phrasing as harsh, Naminé has no qualms about agreeing. Ugly truths were her daily reality for such a long while, after all. ]

Sometimes I wish that it weren't that way, but you're right.
Most people seem to learn best from their own mistakes.

[ Provided they aren't fatal, anyway. ]

In the meantime, I suppose what I can do is try to get stronger for his sake.
At least if I am, I might be more able to help if something goes wrong.

Edited 2022-02-06 00:32 (UTC)

Entry 001

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