dreamcrystals | dream: i need the rest of me

Entry tags:

sora

dream: i need the rest of me

Sender: Vanitas
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording | CW: choking, vomiting, drowning

It all starts at a Heart Station. Or, rather, what should be one. What should be a great structure rising from the very darkness itself, covered in stained glass is... Blank. There's nothing. No colors. No shapes or depictions of things that the heart would hold dear. Instead it's all broken. A web of shattered glass that is beyond repair - though it most certainly looks like someone has tried. Great fissures mar the surface while large pieces seem to be broken away or even missing. A coupled even seem to be floating above the station proper.

Most would be bright and shimmering to some degree, but this one doesn't. Whatever light had once been has faded. Stare long enough and there are flickers, as if there would be a short in the wiring, if this place had anything like electricity flowing through it.

At the center, of course, stands Vanitas. Whether or not this is a true depiction of his heart doesn't matter. This is how he views it. How he sees it. Longing. Anguish. Pain. So much pain. Hate. Hate hate hate.

Whole... I want to be whole. I need it. I need my -

Light. There it is. A soft ball of warmth coming from above. He looks up, of course. Because it's right there and within reach. When Vanitas moves, it's jumping from broken piece to broken piece and ready with his hand out to obtain what he desires most. What will make him complete. Whole.

Almost -

Monster

A pause. Frozen. Something like ice begins to move through his veins. No. Not here. Not now. The shadows around the Station seem to shift. Take the form of red, glowing eyes watching his every move. He knows this feeling. Knows this emotion. Terror. It's bubbling in his chest. Gipping it like a vice. Vision spins as Vanitas missteps and falls. Crashes against the glass. Tight too tight. Air. No air. Can't breathe. Terror. Horror. Fear. Anxiety. Everything hitting hard. Fast. Too much at once. Spinning. Spinning. Dizzy. Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Can't hold it in. Can't contain it. They're going to come out. They're going to break free. Then it will start all over again. And break free they do with Vanitas on his knees. Coughing and hacking. Covering his mouth because he needs to keep it all in. Emotions can't be allowed to break free of him again. Yet out it comes, Vanitas heaving and a black substance like tar splatters against the glass. Rolls down his face. And again. And again. Over and over, fire taking the place of ice. The glowing red stares all the more intense as they take shape and form. Unversed. Hundreds of them. All his own emotions grabbing and reaching.

Pulling. Tugging. Dragging further and further away from that Light. Not until they swallow Vanitas up completely. His lung burn. Fear. Terror. Pain. It's an endless cycle that he can't break free of. For the more intensely he feels those emotions, the more that he chokes and more spawn. What good did it to? To keep trying? This is the result. This is always the result. To live and to suffer. To strive and to always have it out of reach? To have hope. All of these thoughts cycle, out of control. Emotions spiraling until it's thing but a sea of black and those faces staring at him. Limbs growing tired and weak. Everything is fading. No Light. No Darkness. Just-

"V a n i t a s!"

Nothing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[A chill goes down Roxas's spine as he observes the nightmare. It's unsettling, and makes his stomach churn to see Vanitas in so much pain. So much emotion bubbling out, painfully bursting forward... was this what Vanitas felt? He knew how messy emotions were, how unfamiliar one could feel about one's heart. But feeling so much pain like that? It makes his own heart ache.]

[He might not want to be spoken to right now, but Roxas can't help himself from reaching for his journal.]

Vanitas?

[ It's true. Vanitas absolutely doesn't want to talk. At least not about this nonsense. Not about some stupid nightmare that doesn't really mean anything at all... ]

What

[Oh yeah, he can tell. But he's stubborn, not unlike Sora in a way. And Vanitas, as prickly as he was, was still a friend. So he persists.]

Come meet me outside.

On that deck where I showed you my skateboard.

Why would I want to even go out now Roxas?

Because I think it might help.

You don't even have to talk if you don't want to. But I wanna help.

So, will you come and meet me?

The kind of "help" I need isn't the kind that you can provide. We all know what it is I need and no one at the moment has any sort of solution as to how I can get on with it.

Everyone can distract or redirect me as they want, but that doesn't change what is.

[For a moment, Roxas is a little stumped on what he can reply. He knows this is a delicate subject for Vanitas, and knows that from what few conversations they’ve had, he’s pretty adamant on his own beliefs. On any other day, Roxas would question him on it, try to challenge him. But fresh off a nightmare like that? Roxas feels it’s better to be more delicate.]

I know that I don’t have a solution for your heart right now.
I just thought that I could help with the fear right now.
When I was getting nightmares, being near someone helped keep the fear at bay. Helped me calm down enough to sleep.
So I thought it might help you too.

[He doesn’t elaborate on what he means, because he knows Vanitas knows. They had both suffered at the hands of that cult, after all.]

[ He wants to deny it. Wants to say he's not afraid and people are just imagining things. But anyone who's seen this nightmare will know otherwise.

That's what he hates. Everything that he feels and the like just being thrown out there.

So it takes a while for him to even respond. ]

I'm not getting up off of this couch.

[ Roxas can interpret that as an invitation if he likes. Or a dismissal. ]

[Honestly, Roxas would not be surprised if Vanitas had outright dismissed him, or told him to back off. So that response, even if it comes after a while's delay, comes as a pleasant surprise. And Roxas will interpret it as an invitation, as off-hand as it may appear.]

Okay.

I have some leftover chocolate from when Sora and I made all that chocolate-covered bacon. Do you want any?

I mean if you're going to disturb my peace then you should at least bring some sort of offering.

So yes.

[Roxas can't help but chuckle at that reply.]

Fair enough. I'm on my way.

[It won't take too long before Roxas comes to Vanitas's door, chocolate offering in hand.]

[ Yeah yeah. He hears Roxas at the door. Van's head picks up, but he's not moving. ]

Just come in. I'm not getting up.

Okay.

[He didn't want to barge in without permission, but hearing that invite has him opening the door and entering the dwelling. He sees Vanitas on the couch and approaches from where the other boy can see him, just taking in how he looks before he really proceeds. He's not sure if Vanitas will appreciate Roxas getting in his space, but if allowed he'll move to sit on the other end of the couch before offering the two chocolate bars he has.]

Here. It's not much, but it's all I had left. And it's pretty good.

[ He is just in a pile of blankets, really. Sora had brought a bundle of them out and Vanitas is just a black tuft of hair sticking out. Well a tuft of hair and a face. As long as Roxas is sitting at the other end of the couch, it should be fine. Vanitas can be one one end and Roxas can be on the other.

At least until the chocolate is presented. He reaches out to snatch one of the bars - he won't take both because Vanitas has been taught SOME manners - and take to unwrapping it. ]

I'm not an infant, you know. Really, I don't need coddled or anything like that.

[Blanket piles are valid. He spent his fair share of time in one back in Aefenglom, when he was recovering from his injuries from his Cwyld infection. He remains on his side of the couch, but his lip twitches upward when Vanitas snatches the chocolate.]

I never said you were. And I’m not trying to coddle you. I just know that for me, when I had nightmares, having someone nearby for a bit just… helped me settle.

[He’ll unwrap half of the other bar, breaking off half of it to begin nibbling on it himself.]

At least I’m not doing what Sora did for me and pulling you into a cuddle pile. I don’t think you’d appreciate that from me.

[ He's a bit slow, taking a bite and chewing. Vanitas still is feeling a bit sensitive. Throat and chest still ache with a dull burn that always happens following these incidents. It had just been so long since he actually had one featuring the Unversed that... Well it had caught him off guard. ]

Sora did that immediately. Mira would...

[ Frowning. Scowling. Glaring daggers into that chocolate bar because he's talking. He's actually talking about this stupid stuff. And Mira is gone. ]

She'd talk me through it.

[Roxas hums a little, nodding slowly. He remembers Mira. Though not as close to her as Sora or Vanitas was, he remembers meeting her once. She had seemed nice in her own way, and he could see how Vanitas would find a friend in her.]

Do you... want to talk through it? If not, that's okay, but...

[He asks it carefully, glancing at Vanitas as he does. He knows he can't replace Mira, and he doesn't want to attempt to do so. But he wonders if talking it through would be good for Vanitas. If Vanitas didn't want to, he won't push, but he wants to at least let the other know that the offer is there, if he needs it.]

I think... You already sort of saw what the problem was. What it still is, Roxas.

[ That he's still only a partial being. That ever time he feels like he is about to be close to obtaining what he wants, it gets yanked away from him. Then Vanitas gets swallowed up again.

He huffs. Then takes a deep breath. ]

They'll come whether or not I want to make them. They force their way out, you see. I haven't had to deal with it in a while.

Not since that other world, right?

[He remembers that the Unversed weren't really a big deal in Aefenglom. He wondered if it was because of the magic of that world; whether it be their bonds, their transformation magic, or something more. But that wasn't a thing here, so whatever had been helping Vanitas was probably gone now. He hums in thought.]

Hmm... then... we have to find a way to heal your heart, right? Some way that isn't tied to one world, but'll work wherever you decide to go.

[That's what Roxas is thinking, at least. Because only having a solution to heal Vanitas's heart only work in one world didn't exactly work for people like them, who frequented multiple worlds.]

[ Vanitas gives something of a nod. Though it comes with a scowl. ]

Yes. When it took away everything that we are, that went away too.

[ His eyes look up at Roxas as the blonde talks. As he realizes the problem and how to solve it. A way to heal his heart. Permanently. That will continue to persist no matter where they are.

Still, Vanitas laughs bitterly. ]

I only knew of the one way. Why do you really think I wanted to rejoin with that weakling Ventus again? He almost got us killed.

[Ironic, that the one world that took away what was such a part of them all actually proved beneficial to Vanitas's state. But was that the best solution for Vanitas? Lose such a key part of himself to heal another? It doesn't seem like a proper solution, at least not to Roxas.]

[He lets out a small hum, frowning. He doesn't know the details as well as Sora or Ventus do, but he knows enough to not like that Vanitas thought that to be the only option.]

Well, I don't think any of us really want you to try that way again.

[Not only for Ventus's sake, but for Vanitas's, Sora's, Roxas's... well, everyone's here.]

But, there's gotta be some solution out there. I mean, we technically did find a possible solution in Aefenglom. It wasn't perfect, but it helped, right? So, maybe there's another, better solution that we can find for you. One that doesn't involve sacrificing you or anyone else.

[ Because, at the time, it had been the only solution given. The only one presented. Vanitas still continues to believe that the best option - his only option - is to have someone tied directly to his heart. Honestly it's been working. Or, rather, had been working... ]

Not that any of you would let me anyway.

[ So there's really no need to pursue it. Not that Vanitas would because he already knows it's futile. Ventus' heart is mostly healed so... ]

And the solution there was still to tie myself to others. There doesn't seem to be any other way.

Hmm... Maybe... tying yourself to others is the wrong way to think about it.

[Roxas's gaze goes a little far off, not exactly looking at anything as he speaks.]

Maybe what you need... is a connection. A series of connections that can nurture your heart, and make it grow.

[He pauses for a moment, before turning to Vanitas. He offers a wry grin.]

At least... that's what worked for me and my friends. What brought us back from nothingness and made us whole was our connection to each other. So, maybe that's what you need. In a way, that's kind of like tying yourself to others, right?

Tying myself to others. A connection. Isn't it all the same thing? One way or another I am bound to someone else. Though in this case it has always been willingly.

[ And a series of connections is what he had. Before this place. Before being ripped away. Vanitas doesn't like this. At all. ]

I know how it worked for you, Roxas. Just because I didn't want much to do with you lot doesn't mean I was unaware of things.

Then you should know that I'm not just saying these things just because I feel like it. I'm saying them because they worked.

[Roxas hums a little in consideration of Vanitas's words.]

Well, I guess they are sort of the same thing. But what's different is that the connection you make is one that benefits you both. Strengthens you both, and isn't just someone using the other. That kind of bond isn't a shackle. It's something you cherish. Something you want to protect, no matter what. And if it's a real connection, then whoever you share it with will want to do the same for you.

[He looks at the remaining chocolate bar in his hand. He snaps off one more small piece before turning to Vanitas and offering him the remainder. Even if Vanitas still has his own chocolate.]

That's how I think a heart grows.

dream: i need the rest of me

Sender: Roxas

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