dreamcrystals | Dream One 🔥 Unhappy Memories

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Dream One 🔥 Unhappy Memories

Sender: Diluc Ragnvindr
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive dream recording
Warnings: spoilers for Genshin Impact character stories and webtoon; cw: blood, violence, and death

[The beginning events of the dream happen quickly. A large purple drake descends on a cart and wagon, leaving naught but carnage in its wake. A man with more than a passing resemblence to Diluc emerges from from the wagon, standing against the drake and attacking it with a great and terrible power. Within moments, the beast is ensnared with dark chains. A few moments later, it breaks free and retreats, and the man collapses.

It's at this point that Diluc himself becomes visible in the dream, huddled over the man's body and covered with blood that's not his own. He's younger, a late adolescent, and calls the man "father" as he cries out in grief. The rain starts pouring down, though it does little to wash the stains of red away.

Nearby, a flamboyantly dressed man regards him cooly.]

"You know, Master Diluc, I can't help but wonder if your anger about all this might be a bit misplaced."

[Slowly, Diluc's gaze rises from his father's corpse to look up at him. His expression almost immediately shifts into a sharp glare. The man continues to speak, totally unfazed.]

"You blame the Fatui and the Knights - and me by association - but have you stopped to consider that perhaps it's our dearest father that betrayed you first? You honestly don't believe he accepted this Delusion at the point of a sword or under the duress of a threat, do you?"

[Diluc is on his feet in an instant, grabbing a sword that by all rights shouldn't be there and charging him.]

Take that back!

[He's stopped after only a handful of steps by the same great and terrible power that stopped the drake's advance, this time piercing him through from behind.

At that point, the dream ends as its dreamer wakes up with a start.]

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[ Thoma pushes the door open, stepping in and closing it behind him gently, as if Diluc was still asleep and not to be disturbed. He’s sitting at the kitchen table plain as day but being freshly woken from a nightmare seems to call for a little care. ]

Hey there. I see you already made tea. I was going to offer if you hadn’t.

[ He sheds his coat, finding somewhere near the door to leave it. There’s a couple of pouches of tea still tucked into the pockets if they have need of it later. ]

Mind if I join you?

Not at all.

[There's a touch of distraction in his tone, his mind in multiple places at once. But he means it. Thoma is one of the few whose presence he sincerely wouldn't mind having right now. Which is telling, but what that might mean is well beyond his capacity to worry about at this moment. His mental and emotional bandwidth are stretched as it is.]

You're welcome to some tea, but it's stronger than usual. Feel free to make yourself a fresh pot if it's not to your tastes.

[He pauses, taking a sip of his tea, then adds:]

I'm fine, by the way. You didn't have to trouble yourself like this.

[Is he, though?]

[ Thoma is in this for the long haul and pauses by the stove to pour himself some tea as well. The caffeine won’t bother him if it means he can stay up and talk to Diluc.

He slides into the empty chair across from him, mug resting atop the table between his loosely cupped hands. ]

I know, but I don’t mind. There are only a couple of people here who can fully comprehend what happened in your dream, and I like to think I’m much more preferable company.

[ If Childe were to walk through that door, Diluc would probably stab him. Or worse. ]

Do you… want to talk about it?

[No, he does not want to talk about it. But perhaps he should.

Diluc stares down into his cup of tea, meeting the tired gaze of his reflection in the liquid with a soft sigh. He hates this part of himself, the doubts and weaknesses that this nightmare has now laid bare for all to see.]

I'm not sure how much about what happened that day made it to Inazuma. Most of the actual details didn't even get as far as Mondstadt.

[There's a darkening of his expression with that statement, but he avoids the full tangent for now. They'll get there.]

What you saw was more or less accurate to how I remember it. At least, the first part was. After Kaeya showed up, it deviated.

[Kaeya did say something gutting and unforgiveable that day, but... they'll get there, too. Maybe.]

I knew your father had died, and that it had something to do with the drake, but it was all vague rumors. I didn’t know anything else, but I can’t say I’m surprised to learn that the Fatui’s involvement was kept quiet.

[ There were also some rumors about Diluc leaving town, being estranged from his brother, that sort of thing. Thoma never cared to get too many of the details – that sort of thing was too personal, and didn’t have much bearing on the type of business that Thoma conducted anyway.

Of course, there’s much more to it, evident both in what he saw and in the words of the shade of Diluc’s adopted brother. ]

Perhaps it’s a bit late, but… my condolences. That could not have been easy to endure.

You know what a Delusion is, then?

[It's a question, but only just. Thoma is well-informed, and it wouldn't surprise Diluc all that much if he could recognize the damned object without dream-Kaeya's clarification of what it was.]

Almost the entirety of it was kept quiet at the orders of the Knights of Favonius. What was publicly released was that we were attacked and the Knights managed to drive the drake back. The prestige of the order was more important to them than the life my father gave to protect Mondstadt.

[He doesn't even try to bury the venom in his voice at that statement.]

The Fatui's involvement isn't even in most unofficial reports, because the only evidence of it was the Delusion my father used. And I took that with me when I left Mondstadt.

[Thoma's condolences catch him off guard, and he waves them off absently even as his insides twist themselves in knots as he processes all of the grief anew.]

Thank you, but it is what it is. No amount of wishing will bring him back or undo any of it.

Edited (Forgot some stuff.) 2022-01-10 23:09 (UTC)

[ Thoma’s eyes widen just a touch. As a native Mondstadter, he grew up on stories of the Knights’ heroism, and there was a time where he wanted to be one himself, even if he never found the motivation to follow through with that dream. He’s sure every child in the city entertains that thought at one time or another.

And here he is being told that they’re not the brave and true heroes he thought they were. There is something crooked in their ranks. The boy in him wants to deny it, but the bitter hatred in Diluc’s voice is so painfully genuine that he cannot help but accept the truth. ]

No wonder you like to work alone.

[ It’s clear that some of the pieces have fallen in place when it comes to Diluc, and Thoma’s heart aches for him. What a terrible thing to have gone through, to lose one’s father and one’s faith in a single blow. ]

Nothing is going to bring him back, but that doesn’t mean you have to endure his loss alone. No matter how long it’s been.

And… to answer your question, I’m quite familiar with Fatui Delusions.

[For several moments, Diluc says nothing. Years ago, when he was younger and the wounds were still fresh, hearing words like this from someone he cares about was all he wanted. Instead, he was greeted with an icily unpleasant truth from the man he had called "brother" and spurned by the organization he had put all of his faith into. He didn't even really stick around long enough to receive many condolences from more distant friends and acquaintances, taking his leave of Mondstadt as quickly as he could after those back-to-back betrayals. His heart couldn't bear it. And in the three years that followed, he convinced himself that his heart didn't need it.

So he hates how he feels something pull in his chest at this act of earnest kindness, more than four years on from the worst day of his life.

Ultimately he leaves Thoma's statement unaddressed, instead taking a drink of his tea deep enough to drain the cup. He can't relitigate his decision to shoulder his grief alone. And he can't change course in his solitary mission for vengeance, answers, and justice that has followed it. He won't.

It's better to focus on more important things, like the information Thoma has to share.]

How? What did the Fatui do in Inazuma?

[He's sure there's a story here, and he's even more certain that he's not going to like it. But he has to know.]

[ Thoma lets the silence hang for a moment, offering nothing except for quietly reaching across the table to rest his hand gently, briefly on the back of one of Diluc’s own. If asked, he couldn’t say why he feels like touching Diluc in that moment seems important, but it does. Like he wants to offer some kind of assurance that he’s here, no matter what.

He doesn’t let it linger, but he’s offered it. And that’s enough.

Once Diluc lifts his teacup to his mouth, Thoma takes his hand back for a sip of his own tea. Ah, it is quite strong. ]

That’s a loaded question. I’m sure Lady Ayaka would scold me for sharing this with an outsider but… I trust you.

They were the ones behind the Vision Hunt Decree.

[For a few moments during the prolonged silence, Diluc looks down at the hand Thoma places on his own. His expression doesn't betray anything, but the gesture has more of an effect on him than he'd like to admit. There's that damnable pull again.

He pointedly ignores it. He can't with these kinds of feelings right now.]

... [Siiiiiiigh.] Of course they were.

[His tone is the sort of disgusted resignation that comes with realizing that the the low expectations he had were, in fact, still far too high.]

And what did Snezhnaya hope to gain from the Vision Hunt Decree?

[ Whatever passes between them in that instant doesn’t need to be vocalized. It’s enough that it happened, and Thoma is just fine with moving on as the conversation turns to more political matters.

He shrugs, a slight lifting of his shoulders while his forearms remain mostly on the table to cradle his mug. ]

Profit. They thrived on the conflict, promising the Tenryou Commission glory and status and the eternal favor of the Raiden Shogun, while passing out Delusions to the resistance.

[ That last especially makes him frown, staring hard into his tea. ]

The forces of Watatsumi Island lost a lot of good men and women to them.

[Diluc's hands visibly tighten on the empty tea cup he's still holding. He wants to scream, to throw the cup against the wall, to somehow resume his march northward to wreak havoc on Snezhnaya for the sins they've committed and continue to perpetrate. Given the impossibility of that last task given that he's trapped here in this dream world, he'll even settle for finding Tartaglia and beating him within an inch of his life. Or worse.

He does none of these. Instead, he sits in stony silence and simply fumes. His occasional dreamotion firebird, usually no larger than sparrow, erupts out of him in a spew of fiery rage and flies outside through the nearby window, where it erupts into something large, burning, and terrible in the sky before dissipating.

At that point, the pressure of his hold causes the teacup to shatter and the pain of the broken porcelain against his skin snaps him back to reality. With a grumbled swear, he tosses the remains onto the table in front of them. His hand is bleeding. He doesn't notice.]

Because of the effect that Delusions have on the people wielding them.

[There's a knowing grimness in his tone.]

I left my Vision in Mondstadt when I left and used my father's Delusion for three years. It probably took years off my life.

[That admission, more than anything that Diluc's ever told Thoma, is a sign of trust. It's a secret that no one else knows except for Kaeya, and an action that even now he can't explain or defend.

But telling Thoma, of all people, seems... correct. Somehow.]

Edited (typo) 2022-01-11 05:22 (UTC)

[ The firebird, angry and massive and ready to immolate anything in its path before it dissipates, is a warning. A warning Thoma doesn’t see for what it is until it’s far too late, and when the teacup shatters in Diluc’s hands, he nearly jumps out of his chair. ]

You’re bleeding! Let me help…

[ He’s halfway out of his seat when Diluc keeps going, the gravity of his words stilling Thoma into inaction. He can only stare at the other man, as if he’s seeing him for the first time, the terrible truth of his past laid bare – the things he was driven to do when his entire world fell to pieces. ]

Diluc…

[ It hangs there a moment, Thoma unsure of what to say, but the sight of blood slowly oozing from Diluc’s palm spurs him to move again. He dips into the kitchen and finds a clean rag, returning a moment later with a soft demand for Diluc to give him his hand. He wraps the wound, compressing it with the weight of his own hands curled around Diluc’s. ]

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.

[Diluc doesn't protest as Thoma bandages his hand and holds onto it. The feeling is nice. Comforting. Grounding. Selfishly, he decides to accept it rather than push it aside like he knows he should.]

You have nothing to apologize for. I prefer to know.

[As terrible as it was to hear, he believes that it's better to be well-informed than not. If it brings him pain to learn it, then... well, then he needs to get better at suppressing how he feels about such things. He thought he had things under control, but since arriving here that's all been thrown into doubt again and again.

This man sitting across from him is part of the reason why. A certain tiefling is another. His feelings about that--and about the two of them in general--is increasingly complicated and constantly wavering between wanting to shut it all out and 'what if's. Yet here he is, sitting here hand-in-hand with an honesty that he hasn't been able to express in what feels like a lifetime. And he finds himself unable--unwilling--to pull himself away.]

I can't keep doing this.

[He locks gaze with Thoma's, and immediately wishes he hadn't. But he continues all the same.]

You've just seen why. My past, my mission, what I have to do... they aren't your burdens to bear. I need to stop dragging you into it. I...

[Why are his eyes so beautifully green?]

I resolved to face this alone. I have to face this alone. To do otherwise is to bring the world's darkness onto another shoulders, and I can't...

[Why does he feel the same bittersweet pangs in his chest as he did when he and Ori kissed due to the gumdrop fairy?]

I cannot do that to you. I refuse to.

[ Every time Thoma is near Diluc, he can feel his heart reach for him in the same way that it reaches for Ori. He feels guilty about it, sometimes, and others he longs to act on it. In the depths of Ori’s nightmare, he resolved to follow his heart, and he’s glad for it, but what does he do now? Where does he follow when not one, but two people have captured it so thoroughly?

Diluc meets his gaze, tries to push him away with his words, but his hand stays in Thoma’s hands. His eyes betray pain and loneliness and suffering, and Thoma knows he would do anything within his power to ease that hurt, even taking it on as his own.

I have to do this alone, says Diluc’s mouth. But his eyes… his eyes say stay.

Why do they do this to themselves? Whether it’s duty or a mission or a terrible burden, they take it up and convince themselves that no one else can shoulder the weight, no one else can know, and in living in the shadow of the thing they carry, they cannot be happy.

It’s bullshit. ]

Is this also what you told Ori after you kissed her?

[The question hits him like a spash of icy water. Diluc Ragnvindr is not often called on his bullshit.

He has no idea how to respond to it, torn between a variety of emotional responses that hit him all at once. Defensiveness, certainly, and no small amount of indignance. Frustrated anger because Thoma isn't heeding his warnings, isn't turning away from this darkest part of him that's been so clearly displayed for him to see. And, strangely, gratitude for the very same.

Fear, a kind he thought he forgot how to feel, as he realizes what that last feeling means.]

It is.

[He meant it then. He means it now. But his resolve to keep them both at arm's length is crumbling, and Diluc is realizing that it was a house of cards practically from the first. He thinks of the night where both of them came to his aid, filling his small spartan living space to a place of warmth and life. That was the beginning of the end of his resolve to remain alone, in hindsight. He's been reaching out for that feeling ever since they re-introduced him to it, consciously and sub-consciously, and he's tired of finding new and increasingly unconvincing ways of telling himself that he shouldn't.

Screw it. He's only human, and he's exhausted and emotionally raw besides. His future self will have to forgive him for the mistake he's about to make.

Especially when that mistake is something as cathartic as closing the distance between himself and Thoma to kiss him.]

[ It’s clear he’s caught Diluc off his guard, he’s probably unused to having someone call him out. And Thoma is ready to do it again, half a dozen things ready to leave his mouth telling Diluc how wrong he is, how self-destructive and lonely, and how this burden should not be his to bear. He’s ready to lay into him about letting him in, about wanting to be close, and so many other things.

And then Diluc up and kisses him.

The start of whatever he was going to say is muffled against Diluc’s lips, a small yelp startled out of him instead, but he doesn’t stay shocked for long. He leans into it, kissing Diluc back, one of his hands leaving the rag wound around Diluc’s palm to slide into crimson locks.

It's a long, long moment before Thoma pulls away, but even then he doesn’t go far, his breath warm in the small space between them, the soft glow of sunlight radiating from his skin. ]

I don’t give a damn about what you think you can or cannot do. This is what you need.

[ And he angles his head to claim Diluc’s lips again. It doesn’t escape him that he’s putting himself in a potentially complicated situation, between Diluc and Ori, but he’s determined now to find a way to make this work, for all of their sakes. ]

[Thoma kisses him back rather than recoils, and Diluc's mind goes absolutely blank as he focuses in on the sensations of the other man. The warmth of his lips, the steadiness of the hand in his hair, that glow that seems to accompany him when he's happiest and most comfortable. Diluc's own dreamotion energy is all but spent between the nightmare and the firebird's angry explosion, but he swears he can hear a happy chirp from somewhere outside the treehouse.

When their lips part and Thoma more or less puts him into his place again, all Diluc can do is respond with a huff that's equal parts exasperated and fond.]

I should have known better than to assume you'd listen to me.

[Thank you for that, he doesn't say. But their lips meet again and he figures that Thoma understands him well enough to know that it's implied in the way he kisses back.

There are many complicated and awkward conversations to be had about this sudden shift in their relationship, whatever it is or will be. But those are problems to sort through later, when he's of a clearer mind. Right now, he can't muster the energy to do anything but enjoy this.]

[ Thoma’s only response to that remark is a crooked little smirk that says he isn’t about to start listening to Diluc anytime soon. The kiss resumes, soft and questing and never asking anything more from Diluc than what he’s willing to give.

After a few moments, Thoma pulls away in earnest, his expression having shifted into something soft and fond. It feels… oddly freeing to simply allow himself to feel like this, openly affectionate in a way he has never been before. ]

We should take care of your hand.

[The kiss doesn't magically cure everything churning within Diluc. He's still in for a long, sleepless night, and there's still a complicated tangle of feelings about both the memories he relived and the new information he's learned. But it does wonders to take the edge off, and Diluc feels much lighter coming out of the kiss than he did going into it. A ghost of a smile crosses his face in response to the fond look he receives before his eyes dart away.]

We should.

[And then it's back to the much more familiar business of tending to wounds. He pulls his hand away from Thoma's and starts unwrapping it. There's a slice across his palm, deeper than he'd like but not so deep that there's a need to call in Ori's magic.]

[ It's something, at least. There's a warmth that's settled over the uneasy edge of anxiety and rage that once permeated the space, taking the bite out of it. He takes a second to tuck a strand of Diluc's hair behind his ear, a smile in his eyes when he catches that look on the other man's face.

Smiles from Diluc are rare, and especially after what he's just gone through it feels like he's managed to get something special out of him. ]

Do you still have all those bandages around here?

[Thoma's hand in his hair, gentle and comforting and all too brief, causes him to avert his gaze ever so slightly. It's nice in a way he can't quite articulate.]

In the end table next to the bed. There are supplies to stitch the wound in there as well, if you think it's necessary.

[Sewing skin is like fixing a seam, right???]

[ That fond look on his face becomes a bit sterner. A Look, if you will. ]

You don’t need stitches, but why am I not surprised you have the supplies?

[ Because he really is not surprised. There have not been moments quite like the time Diluc ran off to fight a man struggling with dreamotion energy all on his own, but that doesn’t mean Thoma hasn’t been expecting another incident.

In any case, he goes where directed, coming back a moment later with the necessary items. ]

Hand, please.

Edited (noticed a typo, don't look at me) 2022-01-18 22:01 (UTC)

[The look Thoma receives in response the stern expression is earnestly quizzical, as if he honestly believes that having supplies to stitch an open wound is nothing abnormal or concerning.]

It's better to be prepared.

[Obviously.

Diluc holds out his hand as instructed when Thoma sits back down.]

Thank you, by the way.

[ Well, he won’t argue that it’s good to be prepared, but it’s a little concerning that Diluc even thinks he needs to have these kinds of things on-hand. ]

You don’t have to thank me.

[ Said as he sits back down across from Diluc, gingerly taking his injured hand and cleaning the wound with a damp bit of cloth. ]

I’m glad to help, no matter what you need.

Dream One 🔥 Unhappy Memories

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