dreamcrystals | Journal 📚 Cats & Volunteers 🐈

Sender: Satan
To: Everyone
Subject: Cats & Volunteers

[ In a handwriting that balances on a fine line between neat and messy, the following is written: ]

Hello.

I have two distinctly separate requests, and I urge you to remember that these are separate when you read this.

Firstly, I am looking for a cat. One with a particularly charming button nose, splendid toe beans, and a mewl that could pawsitively melt any heart. While I understand that describes virtually all felines, I thought I'd see if anyone had seen such a cat around.

Secondly—and separately—I am looking for volunteers to participate in a research study. An exceptional candidate would be sturdy and healthy, even better if the candidate has experience overcoming various poisons and toxins. There are risks, such as loss of life, but ideally my research and my own magic-slash-dreamotion energy would prevent death. So ultimately, the risk is minimal. Most likely. Please let me know if you'd be willing to volunteer.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He's dropping the fast food conversation because he's debating kidnapping and forcing you and your brother into eating real food.]

Having antidotes for the local poisons would be seen as greatly beneficial to residents whose bodies aren't as robust as ours. I'd think that people would find that very interesting.

[Look, what's that saying about eggs and omelettes?]

I honestly can't really think of anything in particular I might like when I don't know much about what you can cook. Surprise me!

[ Listen. Satan would be okay with that as long as Alastor pays and/or cooks it. Genuinely! Satan is always stuck on kitchen duty... always... so it would be a nice change of pace. ]

Well, that is my goal. I know I can't create a real panacea, but I can hopefully get close.

[ Yeah, yeah! He knows! But he isn't used to failure and sure, his life isn't at risk, but if people actually die that will probably put a stop to his research. Oh, and it would also be sad. ]

Alastor, do you even like surprises?

[ Or rather, do surprises even work on him? ]

[He'll cook it. He doesn't trust many people making the food he grew up with. Usually they butcher it.]

I doubt there's a universal panacea out there, but at least the process of trying to find one could be entertaining.

[Seriously, he'd sit back with popcorn and watch the fallout.]

Of course! Unpredictability adds some desperately-needed spice to one's afterlife!

[Do you not remember how bored this man is of Literal Hell?]

[ Is he being compared to Charlie? It feels like it, anyway, and he doesn't like it! Satan is realistic in his expectations, knowing he can't cure everything with even a few different types of potions or antidotes, but -- but -- ugh! Somehow, Alastor managed to get under his skin, probably without even meaning to. ]

I know I'll have success, but how much success will depend on how any volunteers fare.

[ Satan is half-tempted to make the sweetest cake imaginable, but that would one: be a waste of ingredients and two: not really be a repayment of anything if Satan made it out of spite. ]

If you say so. I'll see what I can come up with. I know I don't have to tell you this, given the fact that you're you, but do be honest with how you like it. Since I cooked for my brothers back home so often, I can make adjustments so that next time it will be more to your liking.

[Not Charlie specifically but there's a lot of "Cajun" and "Creole" recipes out there that make Alastor's ancestors weep.]

Oh no doubt you'll succeed in coming up with cures, but that's multiple cures, not a singular one that takes care of all ailments. Though who knows? You may prove me wrong! That'd be equally entertaining!

[Seriously, it'd be a fun surprise!]

Oh absolutely! It's a waste of ingredients if I lie and you keep making the same thing over and over again.

Though perhaps in future I could use the same method of thanking you for something. I think I remember you enjoying sweets? Or was that your brother? Regardless, I could bring you two a batch of beignets if it's amenable.

[ Oh. Alastor really does have a modicum of faith in him. He thinks. It's actually a little shocking to read regardless. ]

I'm glad we're on the same page.

[ Well, mostly. ]

I do enjoy a variety of sweets, including pastries.

[ Writes the person whose favorite food is apple pie and, when feeling melancholic, will eat an entire box of chocolates ~~and be teased for it~~. ]

So, if the mood strikes you someday or if you're looking to return a favor, I wouldn't mind trying something you've made, beignets included.

[Look, he's got to throw you a bone every-so-often. Keeps you on your toes.]

Wonderful! I think you'll like beignets. Have you ever had one before? Light and fluffy like little clouds, drizzled with honey and each bearing an avalanche of powdered sugar. I'm not one for sweets as a whole but a beignet or two with black coffee is always just so satisfying.

[ WOW. ]

I haven't, actually. I've heard of it and know it's a human world dish, but I very rarely ever went up there and never had a chance to try one. I haven't had one here, either. It does sound as if it's quite a treat. Would you need any specific appliances to make it?

[ He hopes whatever Alastor would need is available here. And that Alastor has a better idea of what appliances are and what they do, unlike him who confused an ice cream maker for a soup warmer. As one does. ]

[Is that a "WOW" of "HOLY SHIT THAT SOUNDS AMAZING" or...?]

Nope! Just need a functioning oven for baking them in! Though a pot of hot oil to fry them in also works, but I personally prefer them baked.

Perhaps I should bring some over sooner rather than later.

[ Wow to the delicious food prospect, but also wow to Alastor throwing a bone to him. ]

Sounds easy enough.

Although you can't bring them over until you you actually owe me a favor. I'd rather not rack up a debt to you.

[Look, sometimes you need to back off on the suffering. That makes the next strike hurt all the worse. He knows this from ninety years in Hell being the recipient of ongoing damnation.]

Shame! I do so love showing off my mother's recipes, but if you insist on waiting, I suppose there's nothing to be done about it!

[ Sounds like Lucifer-talk to him. ]

I can wait. As good as it sounds, and as much as I'm in the mood for sweets now, my limit is a debt of one favor or act of kindness per individual.

A good policy to have!

Well then, I look forward to whatever it is you whip up in this case!

[And he might be a cruel bastard and whip up a small batch of beignets to have cooling when you show up. Look, he needs something to go with his coffee and watching you suffer with the smell of fresh-baked beignets in your nose will go nicely with it.]

Journal 📚 Cats & Volunteers 🐈

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