Best day EVER!!!

[helluvaboss]

Sender: Blitzø
Subject: Best day EVER!!!

Comments

[herewardbound]

Who mentioned IQ?

I said neurons. It's a scientific fact that brain damage leads to impaired cognitive function, depending on the location and severity

In your case I was going to bet on a combination of high-proof alcohol and crystal meth-
but I'm still unwilling to completely rule out cranial trauma.

[helluvaboss]

Swing and a miss, I did coke for a stint. Thought id be more productive, nah, just got more distracted.

[herewardbound]

Did it come in pastel-colored bottles with shaker holes at the top?

Because I have unfortunate news for you- that wasn't cocaine, that was baby powder
It's alright, labels can be difficult to navigate for the illiterate.

[helluvaboss]

Well I might've gotten some glitter mixed in there when I snorted it off your mom's fat tits

[herewardbound]

You realize the 'your mother was a whore' jokes fall flat when it's just a statement of fact?

You don't have the brains or the vocabulary to say shit that's worse than what I've already heard.

[helluvaboss]

aww poor baby has mommy issues

don't worry I have daddy issues we can match

[herewardbound]

'daddy issues'

What, did he not let you have a pony like you wanted when you were a tiny little hellspawn?

You know, I haven't seen any of those carousel horses around Reverein since October
You may be right that they're more intelligent than the average equine. After all, Stapler certainly didn't seem to stick around you for long.

[helluvaboss]

nah dad liked to rent me out to whatever rich weirdo wanted to "borrow" me and he made sure I stole as much shit from their houses as I could when they weren't looking

[herewardbound]

So that would make the hitman gig... what, some pitiful attempt to exert control over your life?

Is that what I.M.P. was all about, really? Did you get to tell yourself you were the one in control with every corpse you watched cooling on the ground? Did you see daddy dearest in the face of every mortal you sent to Hell for, what, a handful of pocket change?

To hear the others tell it, your business certainly wasn't doing well.

[helluvaboss]

wow are you projecting bc my daddy issues just gave me a daddy kink

[herewardbound]

Yes, because it's perfectly ordinary to burn down an office building because you found out your ex-employees were now working there.

Tell me, was that complete shit-show because you realized you couldn't control them as well as you liked, or are you just that terrified of them moving on without you?

[helluvaboss]

Miss and miss

look kid not even my therapist gets why the fuck I do the shit I do, you don't have a chance in hell (lol)

[helluvaboss]

Actually do u have anyone u consider family

if so what would you do for them

how loyal are you to family that actually gives a shit about you

[herewardbound]

Okay, what

How the hell did that follow?


... You know what, fine, let's follow this trainwreck of logic to its conclusion.

For the sake of argument, yes.

[helluvaboss]

you show up and some guy literally replaced you

same role same charming attitude everything you had to offer and more. everyone's happier and doing better cuz ur replaced.

ur not gonna hurt ur family bc ur not a freak but also, FUCK THAT NEW GUY?

[herewardbound]

You aren't talking about blood relatives, are you.

[helluvaboss]

who the fuck gives a shit about blood related or not blood related

[herewardbound]

Ooookay. Rapidly losing control of this conversation. Help.

I feel like that statement applies to the overwhelming majority of people. The concept of 'family' as something that extends beyond genetic relation is relatively new and foreign to humanity's meme pool.

[helluvaboss]

yeah well just bc I adopted my daughter doesnt mean I wouldnt kill everyone in this world and then myself if something bad happened to her

shes WONDERFUL and PERFECT and I LOVE HER I didn't have to give birth to her myself for that shit to matter

or knock up some lady idfk

POINT IS everyone at IMP is FAMILY and of fucking course I was mad and oh man I thought about shooting Dante's stupid face off but still was debating that but STILL fuck him and his stupid office and fuck the building I got all of M+Ms stuff and Loonie's stuff and the rest of it burned the fuck up and no matter what thatd be a miserable pain in the ass for business and piss him off and inconvenience him and Dante's lucky hes so fucking hot and charming and cool at fighting bc I made up my mind not to kill him

anyway im over it we're over it now we're partners. so far only in the business way.

[herewardbound]

Behind the book, miles away, Akechi stared at the ceiling.

"Shit."

[herewardbound]

And, after probably too long of a delay, responded.

I suppose I see your point.

I wasn't aware you'd adopted Loona.

That does make a few things make sense.

[helluvaboss]

AND Moxxie and Millie too. Not adopted but FAMILY. F A M I L Y.

Millie Billie is my best girl and Moxx is a perfect pain in the ass and fucks shit up both good and bad and the four of us make up IMP and we are the BEST at our job.

BUT if Dante advocates 4 u and hired u, then I trust ur gonna be good at ur job here too. My business partner has good judgement. Still extending the offer to get properly hired when ur dead and in Hell based totally on that nepotism. Even if you've got a bug up your ass about assassin work

[herewardbound]

It's not as though I'm hiding it.

I've spent the past three years as an assassin for a maniacal fascist as part of his campaign to take the seat of Prime Minister of Japan, and a year or so before that inducing violent psychosis in his political enemies toward the same end.

Some people need to be stopped by any means necessary but I, personally, am never going to kill again unless I, personally, make the decision that it's needed. Not because I was paid to do so, and definitely not because somebody else finds it more convenient for them to die.

[strawberryredgrave]

I love you too, Blitz.

[helluvaboss]

;)