໒꒱ 002 journal text

[lemoncandy]

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: "Before" vs "now"

What do you do if you don't know where "home" is? If no one wants you, and you're stuck here anyway...

I've been thinking about the people I've left behind and keep wondering if I even want to go back. If they'd even really want me back.

I've never really belonged anywhere, and this place isn't all that different, but... at least there's someone who seems to care. But I thought that before, too.

I don't know what to think. I don't know why I'm even writing this.

Comments

Sender: Malon

[ranchgirl]

[ Although Malon has never felt this way, this sounds like something some of her friends might think, transient as they are. ]

I'd be willing to bet that you've got at least one person back in your world who really misses you and wants you to come back.

[lemoncandy]

I don't know... I hurt them pretty badly.

What about the person who might miss me here?

[ranchgirl]

Maybe they'll forgive you for whatever happened. Sometimes people do things that hurt us, but we still care about them anyway.

[ She pauses to consider his question. ] Well, what about them? Sorry, I know that sounds rude, but what I mean is: how would that make you feel? Do you want them to miss you?

[lemoncandy]

I don't know... I think so? It feels nice to be missed. It feels nice to not have to guess about it.

But I feel horrible for causing such horrible emotions in others.

[ranchgirl]

Wait, you think missing someone is a horrible thing to feel?

[lemoncandy]

Yes...? Doesn't it hurt in your chest? And sometimes you want to cry?

[ranchgirl]

Well yeah, it does, but I don't know if I'd call it horrible. It's more like sad. When I think of "horrible," I think of when someone does something to hurt you on purpose.

Causing others to miss you when you're gone isn't like a mean thing you're doing to them. Or at least, I don't think it's mean. I miss a lot of people, but I don't blame them for making me feel that way or anything. It's just how I feel because I care about them and want to see them again.

[lemoncandy]

I see.

I guess I can try to think of it that way. It's hard after so long thinking one way to suddenly go back on it, though. I guess that's why I'm so difficult.

[ranchgirl]

[ Wow, Anonymous is really down on themselves. (Kinda like someone else Malon knows.) ]

You're not being difficult. Messy emotions are just part of being human! And you said yourself that you like feeling missed. That means someone cares about you. That's why missing someone and being missed isn't all bad.