dreamcrystals | ໒꒱ 002 journal text

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໒꒱ 002 journal text

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: "Before" vs "now"

What do you do if you don't know where "home" is? If no one wants you, and you're stuck here anyway...

I've been thinking about the people I've left behind and keep wondering if I even want to go back. If they'd even really want me back.

I've never really belonged anywhere, and this place isn't all that different, but... at least there's someone who seems to care. But I thought that before, too.

I don't know what to think. I don't know why I'm even writing this.

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[Oh, boy. This is the kind of existential stuff she's all about.]

I think... that home is what you make of it. It's not something someone else can decide for you, but what you choose for yourself. Wherever makes you feel happiest.

Do you think this place could become 'home' to you?

How could it be that simple? If the place you've wanted to belong for most of your life would hate who you really are, then how can you just "choose" it? If they'd chase you out, or kill you, how could you possibly be happy?

I don't know about this place. I've been hiding away from everyone, trying not to get too involved. I've been so focused on where I came from that nothing feels right.

Putting it that way might sound simple, but I know it's easier said than done. It's hard to be different, isn't it? To feel like you don't belong, to know that nobody really understands you.

[She doesn't know if people knowing more about the real her would make her unwanted, but she imagines some of it might scare people off. People fear what they don't understand. They don't like things that are different.]

You said there's someone here who seems to care. Let's start there. Sometimes the people are what make a place what it is, too.

( It's weird, talking so freely on something like this. "Talking"... Well, putting it into any sort of acknowledgement or discussion, no matter how anonymous, is scary. He feels like he's being annoying, writing this in the journal in the middle of the night. He feels stupid, ridiculous, like this is his own problem he has to deal with and any words of attempted comfort are undeserved and aimed at someone better than him. They just don't know what he's like, they don't know—

He frowns, gripping his scarred left hand with his right to steady the shaking. It takes a moment for him to reply. )

Do you feel that way, too?

Someone does seem to care. But what if I care more? What if I'm imagining it? Or what if I hurt them, or abandon them on accident again?

What if someone like me doesn't get to have people who care without something going wrong.

It sounds stupid when I write it out like that.

[ Although Malon has never felt this way, this sounds like something some of her friends might think, transient as they are. ]

I'd be willing to bet that you've got at least one person back in your world who really misses you and wants you to come back.

I know what it's like to be stuck in some shithole with no escape. A lot of people say that you never truly appreciate what you have until they're gone. The least you could do is accept your fate. It's what I did.

Don't do what I did. Take a couple of deep breaths and reexamine everything here. Think about whether they're good or bad. And how much you would care should you lose this place.

I don't know... I hurt them pretty badly.

What about the person who might miss me here?

I can't tell if you're telling me I should think about this place as home or the other one.

I've been thinking about the things I care about. But I'm thinking about who cares about me, too. I'm something that shouldn't exist.

Who the fuck told you that? Whoever it is, they should shove it up their asshole.

I was more along the lines of speaking about this place. Apparently, someone I know has been here before but left. Never got a chance to see them here. It's possible to return back to wherever you were before once this fucked-up drug trip ends.

I'll lend an ear to you. No judgement. What's it like back at your home?

You'd have to be a pretty terrible person if no one wanted you around at all, I think.

I would consider 'home' to be somewhere I'd be the happiest returning to or spending time in.

[ Ah. Well, those sound like familiar problems, don't they...? Sympathy's enough to encourage her to speak up this time around. ]

For some of us, "home" isn't as simple to define as it is for others.
But I think if you give yourself enough time, you'll know for sure one day.
There's no rule that says it has to be the world that you came here from.

[ It sure isn't that cut and dried for her at this point. ]

Knowing what other people think of you isn't always easy either.
Sometimes they're kinder and more forgiving than you think they should be.
What makes you so certain that they don't want you around?

Edited 2024-03-10 20:16 (UTC)

Maybe they'll forgive you for whatever happened. Sometimes people do things that hurt us, but we still care about them anyway.

[ She pauses to consider his question. ] Well, what about them? Sorry, I know that sounds rude, but what I mean is: how would that make you feel? Do you want them to miss you?

You're writing this because you're likely seeking affirmation of what choice to make, of whether you ought to stay here or return if given the choice.

Most of us here will be unable to give you the answer you seek. Each person's definition of home will differ, as will their logic on whether or not to return, and your thoughts will be further muddled.

Which is why I'll pose a question to you instead: what is your definition of 'home' and 'belonging'?

The place I told myself was home my whole life isn't as pure as I thought it was. My... guardian might be in trouble. Going back is a danger to me because of who I am, which I've always hidden.

The alternative is a place where it's the same, in the opposite direction. I'd definitely be killed there.

And the last option is... with a bunch of people who don't understand me at all. Neither part of me.

Or here. I guess.

Do you think anyone who's unwanted by a group is terrible?

I guess I don't know where I'm happiest.

Let's say that I'm a cat, living with a bunch of cats. Their entire purpose is hating dogs. They want to kill any dog they see, and send out groups of the cats to do just that.

But secretly, I've been part dog all along. Part dog, part... cat? I guess? This is stupid.

But I can't stay with the dogs OR the cats, because they only want to kill each other. Dogs shouldn't be able to procreate with cats in the first place, so why should a half dog half cat exist and be anything but a monster?

I don't know... I think so? It feels nice to be missed. It feels nice to not have to guess about it.

But I feel horrible for causing such horrible emotions in others.

I don't know. I've never belonged anywhere. I was abandoned after I was born with weapons meant to hurt me. I was raised like something disgusting that shouldn't exist.

And when I escaped there and went to a new place, a place I thought I belonged... It just made me feel more and more like I didn't, actually. I lied to myself and kept saying that I did, but it didn't make that feeling go away.

I don't even know if my ( Manager... That's too obvious to say, though. Um. ) father figure actually likes me.

I can't say I'm in the same emotional place as you right now. I'm more empty as shit than trapped with no good alternative. But I can say that from where I'm from, life is a constant danger and there are many turf wars and people more than willing to take advantage of you to try to get you to accept a Deal that will end up with them becoming property.

I'll also say I don't really enjoy my form, either. I have wings I don't want, a tail I don't want, and cat features and instincts I don't want. I even don't use my powers, either. Even if you don't like what your form is, you can still thrive and make friends. Or drinking buddies. Or find a new family. Or some other shit like that.

Maybe you can start with me. Name's Husk.

Edited 2024-03-16 18:21 (UTC)

Wait. Husk... You said you have wings you don't want? What kind of wings? Are you a demon?

You've received a lot of good counsel already.

If I may add my own, it would be that it is possible to have more than one home. The heart has infinite room for both people and places. I know not your circumstance, but I do know this to be true.

I also know it is true that to help feel like one belongs, they must carve a spot in their new home. A place just for them, surrounded by those who they keep in their company. Those who care. It seems as though you have a good start.

Yeah, I'm a demon. A sinner demon to be more specific. Didn't get to go to heaven when I died. My wings are feathered, sort of like a bird.

I think that home can be where someone important is.

If you've made an important friend here, then... maybe this can be your home.

Carve a spot, huh...

I've kind of been hiding away and keeping to myself. But there is one person who was with me even before all of that. Is one person enough to be "home?" What if they don't agree with you? Where does it leave you?

( A demon. A demon is actually here. What does he do? Does he run away? Does he fight? Does he question? It takes him a moment to reply. )

I'm an angel. Or that's what I called myself for a long time.

But half of me is not... My wings aren't right. The nuns tried to purify me of the demon parts, but it didn't work.

You have to get it. I can't go to either realm like this.

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໒꒱ 002 journal text

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