dreamcrystals | ໒꒱ 002 journal text

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໒꒱ 002 journal text

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: "Before" vs "now"

What do you do if you don't know where "home" is? If no one wants you, and you're stuck here anyway...

I've been thinking about the people I've left behind and keep wondering if I even want to go back. If they'd even really want me back.

I've never really belonged anywhere, and this place isn't all that different, but... at least there's someone who seems to care. But I thought that before, too.

I don't know what to think. I don't know why I'm even writing this.

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I know what it's like to be stuck in some shithole with no escape. A lot of people say that you never truly appreciate what you have until they're gone. The least you could do is accept your fate. It's what I did.

Don't do what I did. Take a couple of deep breaths and reexamine everything here. Think about whether they're good or bad. And how much you would care should you lose this place.

I can't tell if you're telling me I should think about this place as home or the other one.

I've been thinking about the things I care about. But I'm thinking about who cares about me, too. I'm something that shouldn't exist.

Who the fuck told you that? Whoever it is, they should shove it up their asshole.

I was more along the lines of speaking about this place. Apparently, someone I know has been here before but left. Never got a chance to see them here. It's possible to return back to wherever you were before once this fucked-up drug trip ends.

I'll lend an ear to you. No judgement. What's it like back at your home?

The place I told myself was home my whole life isn't as pure as I thought it was. My... guardian might be in trouble. Going back is a danger to me because of who I am, which I've always hidden.

The alternative is a place where it's the same, in the opposite direction. I'd definitely be killed there.

And the last option is... with a bunch of people who don't understand me at all. Neither part of me.

Or here. I guess.

I can't say I'm in the same emotional place as you right now. I'm more empty as shit than trapped with no good alternative. But I can say that from where I'm from, life is a constant danger and there are many turf wars and people more than willing to take advantage of you to try to get you to accept a Deal that will end up with them becoming property.

I'll also say I don't really enjoy my form, either. I have wings I don't want, a tail I don't want, and cat features and instincts I don't want. I even don't use my powers, either. Even if you don't like what your form is, you can still thrive and make friends. Or drinking buddies. Or find a new family. Or some other shit like that.

Maybe you can start with me. Name's Husk.

Edited 2024-03-16 18:21 (UTC)

Wait. Husk... You said you have wings you don't want? What kind of wings? Are you a demon?

Yeah, I'm a demon. A sinner demon to be more specific. Didn't get to go to heaven when I died. My wings are feathered, sort of like a bird.

( A demon. A demon is actually here. What does he do? Does he run away? Does he fight? Does he question? It takes him a moment to reply. )

I'm an angel. Or that's what I called myself for a long time.

But half of me is not... My wings aren't right. The nuns tried to purify me of the demon parts, but it didn't work.

You have to get it. I can't go to either realm like this.

[Half angel... and half demon...? How does that work? Is this a Fallen Angel? All those questions run through Husk's mind, but he never asks a single one of them because that would only make the situation worse. Instead...]

There's this hotel that Lucifer's daughter, Charlie, set up. Called Hazbin Hotel in the Pride Ring. She runs the place to try and help us sinners get redeemed. It's under the protection of Lucifer himself and

well

Try not to worry, but the Radio Demon's also protecting the place. So if you ever do end up back at 'home', you should try and find the place.

I work there as the bartender.

In Inferno? Luciferen never mentioned a place like that...

Is the Prince of the demons not Luciferen? We might be from different versions of our realms.

...Thanks. I guess at least it wouldn't hurt to look. But right now, I have to go back to Paradiso to rescue someone. After that... I don't know.

[Husk blinks at that.]

Lucifer is the King of hell and ruler of the Pride Ring. It's the only place us Sinners are allowed to go so as to not bother any of the other rings, such as Sloth or Envy or Lust or Greed.

I'm a betting man, so I'm willing to bet our hells are different. Knowing how much a fucked-up drug trip this place is, I'm also willing to bet there's some way into the hell I'm familiar with for you.

Is Paradiso what you call heaven? I have to admit, your names for shit are better than our names.

The Luci I know is just a prince waiting for a ceremony to take over from his father.

But... yeah, aside from the differences, it sounds like the same thing. The place I was stuck in before this one was called "hell" too. How many versions can there possibly be for angels and demons?

You don't... hate me, though? Because I'm an angel?

Why the fuck would I hate you? When I revealed I was a demon, you didn't go all douchebag on me, so you're not an exorcist. Oh, they go around killing us demons once per year because of the overpopulation problem, just so you know.

You're just terrified of making mistakes. It's okay to be terrified. If you're fine with me, I'm fine with you.

You got any friends at home you want to talk about?

Demons kill angels. Angels kill demons. That's how it's always been... Or at least that's what I thought.

But Luci is a demon, and he doesn't want to kill me. He wants me to go to Inferno with him. I just don't think that would work. My... messed up wings are all scarred and battered and shriveled. I've got too many eyes on one side, my angel wings are so much larger, I can't fly because of how uneven they are...

I shouldn't be talking about any of this to anyone. I don't know what I'm doing.

[...It's because everyone likes to bitch to the bartender. Whatever name this angel/demon hybrid is, he can't see the tiny smirk on Husk's face right now at that last paragraph.]

Were you injured at all in a way that might've caused that? Or would you rather talk about something else?

I was abandoned at a human church after being born and they used two daggers, an angelic and a demonic one, to injure my "demon" side.

I don't really know what talking about it is supposed to do.

[Well... Husk gave this person an out and they elected to ignore it and continue talking about it. Bartenders must have that effect on people.]

I'm not too knowledgeable on the biology of angel and demon hybrids in your home, so there's a huge chance I could be talking out of my ass on this, but maybe the injuries didn't heal properly.

I know in my hell, when sinners get attacked or ripped apart or blasted to fucking pieces, we're able to slowly regenerate and recover. The only thing that can kill our immortal souls for good is angelic weaponry.

( Who is he to refuse free therapy )

It's the same for us. The daggers were angelic and demonic, respectively. I didn't get to eat souls, so my growth got stunted, too. They also made me drink this weird stuff that always felt like it was burning me up from the inside...

To try and "purify" me into a real angel.

I can't regenerate from any of this.

In our hell, no one eats souls. We only make deals with them. And the more souls you own, the more powerful and influential an Overlord you are. I ain't got a fucking clue if the same is how it works in or heaven, but I doubt it.

Regenerating from any damage done to you, even psychologically, is a very hard thing to do. The best thing you can do right now is find others who can relate to being as rock bottom as you feel you are. Maybe things will turn out differently, maybe not. But I've found out that sometimes letting walls down can set you straight, no matter how fucking terrifying it seems.

[Make friends. There's your therapeutic advice.]

Edited 2024-03-31 02:31 (UTC)

Right... I guess so.

Thanks. For listening and trying to help.

No problem. If you need something in the future, my ear's always open.

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໒꒱ 002 journal text

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