the poppies blow;

[notachickenhawk]

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: War

I know this is a difficult subject for some so please move along if it is for you. But for those of you who have been in wars or battles (formal or not) - how do you deal with it after?

At least from my perspective it's not over yet, but... I don't have to fight here. I don't have to be afraid for the lives of myself or those around me. But the blood is still on my hands. The battles I fought still took their toll. Nothing seems to help. I've heard 'time will help' but that doesn't do anything for me now, when I need help.

I don't normally ask for help, but I'm at a loss here.

Comments

[holdshisown]

Knowing something logicaly and knowing it on an emotional level are two completely different things. But that wasn't exactly what I meant you should forgive yourself for.

War is a dirty buisness. Even the most justified ones make you bend and overstep your own moral boundaries. It doesn't give you much choice about that and it oftentimes... distorts your internal perception of yourself. How could it not? It brings out sides of you you never even knew existed and it hurts to be confronted by those parts of yourself.

Does that make more sense, perhaps?

[notachickenhawk]

Oh.

... Yeah I'm... not the shy kid I used to be. Not that I'm social but I would have never even considered killing a rabbit much less anything that looked humanoid. But it doesn't really bother me.

Should I be bothered that it doesn't bother me?

[holdshisown]

No. Not necessarily. It's... not an unusual thing, sad to say, to grow more used to such things until it ceases to bother you. I'd be lying if I said it bothered me every time I took a life.

It does not become a true problem until you start to like it. Or, more specificaly, once you start enjoying the pain and fear of others. But it is a thing those of us that's seen too much of battle should be conscious of. For it does... make it easier for us to decide it is necessary to take a life. Even when there are other courses of action still open to us.

So be aware of that part of yourself and know it carries both advantages and liabilities when it comes to deciding which action you're going to take.

[notachickenhawk]

I do know someone who grew to like it - I don't think the fear and pain, just the adrenaline. And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a rush, but it's... difficult to explain.

It's like I've shifted from prey to predator. And I don't want to go back, but I don't know if it's all good, you know?

[holdshisown]

A taste for battle is one thing, it's... not all that unusual. A taste for pain is a very different set of problems. One that's much harder to deal with. You don't really need to explain, though... I know enough of war and battle to know of what you speak. I'd be lying if I said I had not felt the same at times...

I do. Whether it's good or not entirely depends on what you do with it, really. It is simply what you have to work with now, parts of yourself you have to manage and direct o that they don't... cause too much trouble for you or others.

[notachickenhawk]

I don't think anyone would like pain, that's weird.

[Fortunately for Tobias he doesn't know much about that kind of thing and that's probably for the best.]

It's a different kind of paranoia. Instead of looking out for bullies I'm looking out for competitors or threats. Instead of hiding I'm getting up in danger which is its own problem. And it's a much more solitary existence... before I was a loner but wanted to be around people. Now I don't know. I want to be around people to keep my humanity, but it's difficult.

Especially when they seem so normal.