Best day EVER!!!

[helluvaboss]

Sender: Blitzø
Subject: Best day EVER!!!

Comments

[helluvaboss]

a SKELITON horse dUH

his smouth looked like a stapler and he snapped his teeth like one

Stapler liked it thats what matters

[herewardbound]

I'm not certain that horses have the cognitive capacity to have preference for given names.

[helluvaboss]

silly bitch r u arguing about how smart a MAGIC SKELETON CAROSELL HORSE is

[herewardbound]

*carousel

[helluvaboss]

u knew what I was saying, it counts

prescriptivist lingwist shit

[How in the hell he managed to spell 'prescriptivist' correctly amidst all of that is anyone's guess.]

[herewardbound]

So you can manage 'prescriptivist' but not 'linguist' or 'carousel'

Isn't it irresponsible to use ten-dollar words on a two-dollar budget?

[helluvaboss]

mad you dont know what a prescriptivist is arent ya

[herewardbound]

Not mad as much as I am surprised, honestly

I would've assumed that anyone who would name a horse 'stapler' would have a single-digit neuron count but I suppose I'll have to admit I was wrong


I'll revise my estimate to at least twenty

[helluvaboss]

siting the stupid iq shit huh

you know that shit is rigged right?

[herewardbound]

Who mentioned IQ?

I said neurons. It's a scientific fact that brain damage leads to impaired cognitive function, depending on the location and severity

In your case I was going to bet on a combination of high-proof alcohol and crystal meth-
but I'm still unwilling to completely rule out cranial trauma.

[helluvaboss]

Swing and a miss, I did coke for a stint. Thought id be more productive, nah, just got more distracted.

[herewardbound]

Did it come in pastel-colored bottles with shaker holes at the top?

Because I have unfortunate news for you- that wasn't cocaine, that was baby powder
It's alright, labels can be difficult to navigate for the illiterate.

[helluvaboss]

Well I might've gotten some glitter mixed in there when I snorted it off your mom's fat tits

[herewardbound]

You realize the 'your mother was a whore' jokes fall flat when it's just a statement of fact?

You don't have the brains or the vocabulary to say shit that's worse than what I've already heard.

[helluvaboss]

aww poor baby has mommy issues

don't worry I have daddy issues we can match

[herewardbound]

'daddy issues'

What, did he not let you have a pony like you wanted when you were a tiny little hellspawn?

You know, I haven't seen any of those carousel horses around Reverein since October
You may be right that they're more intelligent than the average equine. After all, Stapler certainly didn't seem to stick around you for long.

[helluvaboss]

nah dad liked to rent me out to whatever rich weirdo wanted to "borrow" me and he made sure I stole as much shit from their houses as I could when they weren't looking

[herewardbound]

So that would make the hitman gig... what, some pitiful attempt to exert control over your life?

Is that what I.M.P. was all about, really? Did you get to tell yourself you were the one in control with every corpse you watched cooling on the ground? Did you see daddy dearest in the face of every mortal you sent to Hell for, what, a handful of pocket change?

To hear the others tell it, your business certainly wasn't doing well.

[helluvaboss]

wow are you projecting bc my daddy issues just gave me a daddy kink

[herewardbound]

Yes, because it's perfectly ordinary to burn down an office building because you found out your ex-employees were now working there.

Tell me, was that complete shit-show because you realized you couldn't control them as well as you liked, or are you just that terrified of them moving on without you?

[helluvaboss]

Miss and miss

look kid not even my therapist gets why the fuck I do the shit I do, you don't have a chance in hell (lol)

[helluvaboss]

Actually do u have anyone u consider family

if so what would you do for them

how loyal are you to family that actually gives a shit about you

[herewardbound]

Okay, what

How the hell did that follow?


... You know what, fine, let's follow this trainwreck of logic to its conclusion.

For the sake of argument, yes.

[helluvaboss]

you show up and some guy literally replaced you

same role same charming attitude everything you had to offer and more. everyone's happier and doing better cuz ur replaced.

ur not gonna hurt ur family bc ur not a freak but also, FUCK THAT NEW GUY?

[herewardbound]

You aren't talking about blood relatives, are you.