໒꒱ 002 journal text

[lemoncandy]

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: "Before" vs "now"

What do you do if you don't know where "home" is? If no one wants you, and you're stuck here anyway...

I've been thinking about the people I've left behind and keep wondering if I even want to go back. If they'd even really want me back.

I've never really belonged anywhere, and this place isn't all that different, but... at least there's someone who seems to care. But I thought that before, too.

I don't know what to think. I don't know why I'm even writing this.

Comments

sender: sephiroth

[sefirot]

Why does having a "home" matter? Exist for yourself, everything else is irrelevant.

[ranchgirl]

Wait, you think missing someone is a horrible thing to feel?

[inheritedearth]

I do, a lot of the time. Maybe a little less these days, but it still creeps in here and there. It's hard to shake that feeling for good, even when you do think you've found a place for yourself.

[Maybe it will help him, to know he doesn't have to be alone in that feeling.]

You don't want to hurt them, do you? Accidents happen, but we can't always plan our lives around what might or might not come to pass. If we did... we would never do anything for ourselves, now, would we.

I don't think it sounds stupid at all. Would you feel better talking about it out loud?

[lemoncandy]

Are you crazy?? How could I just ask them? Isn't that... what's it called, cringe?

[lemoncandy]

( Who is he to refuse free therapy )

It's the same for us. The daggers were angelic and demonic, respectively. I didn't get to eat souls, so my growth got stunted, too. They also made me drink this weird stuff that always felt like it was burning me up from the inside...

To try and "purify" me into a real angel.

I can't regenerate from any of this.

[lemoncandy]

No offense again, but I think I'd rather die.

( That sounds HORRIFYINGLY embarrassing. )

[lemoncandy]

I don't know... How do you know it's everyone? If it seems like everyone, but then you find there are more people, and they understand you more...

I think I'm overthinking this. I have done some terrible things. Almost nobody knows it, though.

[empyreancatastrophe]

I don't know. Does 'cringe' mean straightforward?





[A few moments later, and he follows up with this message:]

I am asking in earnest.

1/2

[lemoncandy]

( Shealtiel, who has been essentially hiding away in his room every day, is completely caught off guard by Zuko being back. Now this is awkward!! )

[lemoncandy]

What does that... mean? How are you supposed to live when you don't belong anywhere? Isn't that lonely?

PRIVATE

[lemoncandy]

( This message is... nice. It's very kind. It attempts to be helpful without overstepping, which is a hard thing to find for Shealtiel, and is especially important to him.

So, he switches to private, curious. )

Are you human?

( He has no idea, honestly. Either she's a very friendly human with a surprisingly open mind, or she's someone who understands the struggle of trying to fit in with your own "people." Something like that. Right? )

I've met at least one good human. And I've met a good demon dog or two, too, when I was always told they could never be. So you might be right.

[lemoncandy]

I have been existing for myself.

But it gets lonely. What's the point in existing for myself if there's nothing to exist for? I shouldn't even exist in the first place.

[lemoncandy]

Yes...? Doesn't it hurt in your chest? And sometimes you want to cry?

[lemoncandy]

I think if I tried to say these things out loud, I'd trip over all my words and sound like an idiot. I already feel like one now.

But... everyone replying to me at this hour and trying to help says something, I guess. Even if I'm anonymous, people are reaching out...

It feels kind of nice.

Part of me wonders if I put my face to it, if it would be the same. But that might be sort of what you were talking about in the first part of your last message.

[lemoncandy]

( does cringe mean straightforward?

deep thoughts for another day. )

I haven't asked them directly or anything. It feels scary and stupid at the same time. What if I hurt them by asking? What if I was supposed to know?

[empyreancatastrophe]

[But, wait, what does cringe mean??? He has to know! He's dying to know!!!]

[Except this anonymous fellow has more questions. That's more important. Maybe.]

Few would be offended if someone close to them would like to clarify where they stand. In your case, you're looking to elucidate something positive--that this person is important to you.

If they are as important to you as you say, then I sincerely doubt they would take umbrage at such a venture.

[inheritedearth]

I think I get that. Sometimes it's easier to write it down. For what it's worth, my journal is always open! I don't even know if we really know each other, but maybe that's better, in this case. You know I'll be honest and not just tell you what I think you want to hear, right?

I think even if you did put your face to it, people would still reach out. I want to believe that people are generally good, that they have kind hearts. I know that's not true of everyone, but you're always bound to find some. We've all felt alone at some point. I think we all know that lonely is a hard place to be.

[sefirot]

Why shouldn't you exist?

Sender: Futaba Sakura

[mwehehe]

If you have at least one person who cares here, that's better than an unhappy place to be, right?

You don't have to go back to somewhere you don't want to if you don't want to, either. Where would you be happiest?

[She has... some unfortunate knowledge of being in a place where she was unwanted.]

PRIVATE

[lethechained]

[ Over text, it's a little hard to tell if this is helping or not - but it feels enough like it might be when he admits to having met a good human that the corners of Naminé's mouth flicker cautiously upward. The question Shealtiel asks is a reasonable one given the context, despite how it makes her pause. Naminé might not know him, exactly, but with the conversation now private, it seems safe enough to answer.

(And unlikely that he would take such a path to suss out non-humans for any kind of nefarious purposes. That knowledge doesn't serve for much around Reverein, no matter her instinctive misgivings about letting on that she's unusual.) ]

Not exactly, no.
I was part of a human once, but I'm not one on my own. None of her memories belong to me.
From what I hear, she and I are separated for good now.

[ Given her point of view, that hasn't actually happened yet. It's only in the nebulous future that trustworthy people from later on in her timeline have explained to her that she and Kairi are more properly differentiated. In short, it's all a bunch of extra existential garbage this poor fellow doesn't need twisting up his brain, especially when he's got his own problems to work through at the moment, so she leaves that part of the explanation aside for now. Instead, ]

That's good to hear. I'm glad that not everyone has been unkind to you.

[ Not that she would expect otherwise in a place like Reverein, but it sounded like that might have applied somewhat to his previous life as well, so it's heartening enough. And yet - that he would write a post seeking help in the first place... she racks her brain for the right thing to say. Honestly, from experience; ]

I know how easy it can be to get discouraged if you aren't lucky enough to be like everyone else.
But as long as you still exist, there's always a chance for you to find your place, no matter how unusual you are.
There are countless worlds and places and people, and all of them are connected in one way or another.
It might not be where you expect, but there's somewhere out there for everyone, I think.

[ If she could manage it, then surely he can, too; since evidently neither of them were supposed to be to begin with, then what difference is there, really? In the past, she might not have believed in such a thing either, but the most recent couple of years have finally been kind enough to her to foster a more optimistic view on the subject. ]

[lemoncandy]

I don't know... They kind of get angry pretty easily.

Then again, I guess it's usually not at me?

[lemoncandy]

( He has a lot of complicated feelings about this. But somehow, it being over writing makes it easier not to blurt out emotional answers in response. Go figure! He can't help but feel that his situation is unique, that no one could possibly understand...

But maybe no one has to be in his exact shoes to find ways to relate to him. Maybe it's not a bad thing to accept this kindness. )

Thanks. I know I'm probably a coward hiding behind no name and no face, but... It helps me.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to reach out for help or anything like that, but I guess this is the closest I've ever gotten, so. I'll keep your offer in mind.

[lemoncandy]

I was created from two beings that shouldn't be able to make offspring together. Normally, they take a piece of themselves and can make their own kind...

But somehow I'm two different things together.

[lemoncandy]

I don't know. Things are complicated in both places for different reasons. I feel like there's still things I need to take care of where I came from...

But I also think it's going to make it hard to live there. I can't know for sure, though...

PRIVATE - from now on!

[lemoncandy]

( It's true that he never considered an entirely different place from the realms he knew of when he was back in Paradiso. Or on Earth. This is... a new opportunity, isn't it? But of course it can't be that easy, either.

These kind words are touching. More than that, that this person offered to share that she's not human, and how...

He feels like he owes her at least a little more. )

Thanks for telling me. I thought there were only humans here, but I guess that's because I've been hiding away.

I'm an angel. Or at least that's what I told myself for a long time... I can't even bring myself to say what my other half is. Angels and demons are supposed to hate each other. They kill each other.

It sounds like you're in a different situation, but still one that no one else could understand... So I guess you can understand me in that way.

I'll stop moping around soon. Thanks for all of your help.