໒꒱ 002 journal text

[lemoncandy]

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: "Before" vs "now"

What do you do if you don't know where "home" is? If no one wants you, and you're stuck here anyway...

I've been thinking about the people I've left behind and keep wondering if I even want to go back. If they'd even really want me back.

I've never really belonged anywhere, and this place isn't all that different, but... at least there's someone who seems to care. But I thought that before, too.

I don't know what to think. I don't know why I'm even writing this.

Comments

[lemoncandy]

I think if I tried to say these things out loud, I'd trip over all my words and sound like an idiot. I already feel like one now.

But... everyone replying to me at this hour and trying to help says something, I guess. Even if I'm anonymous, people are reaching out...

It feels kind of nice.

Part of me wonders if I put my face to it, if it would be the same. But that might be sort of what you were talking about in the first part of your last message.

[inheritedearth]

I think I get that. Sometimes it's easier to write it down. For what it's worth, my journal is always open! I don't even know if we really know each other, but maybe that's better, in this case. You know I'll be honest and not just tell you what I think you want to hear, right?

I think even if you did put your face to it, people would still reach out. I want to believe that people are generally good, that they have kind hearts. I know that's not true of everyone, but you're always bound to find some. We've all felt alone at some point. I think we all know that lonely is a hard place to be.

[lemoncandy]

( He has a lot of complicated feelings about this. But somehow, it being over writing makes it easier not to blurt out emotional answers in response. Go figure! He can't help but feel that his situation is unique, that no one could possibly understand...

But maybe no one has to be in his exact shoes to find ways to relate to him. Maybe it's not a bad thing to accept this kindness. )

Thanks. I know I'm probably a coward hiding behind no name and no face, but... It helps me.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to reach out for help or anything like that, but I guess this is the closest I've ever gotten, so. I'll keep your offer in mind.

[inheritedearth]

I don't think you're a coward. Some things are just too hard to say out loud, especially if we're not used to having someone we can rely on.

It's tough, being different. It can make it harder to connect with others. You feel like nobody else can ever really get what you're feeling, right?

[lemoncandy]

Yeah. And even when they try to, it makes me feel angry... Like they're simplifying it. Or not letting me speak for myself.

[inheritedearth]

That's hard, too, and not terribly fair of them. Nobody can know how you really feel except for you. They shouldn't try to speak for you.