໒꒱ 002 journal text

[lemoncandy]

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: "Before" vs "now"

What do you do if you don't know where "home" is? If no one wants you, and you're stuck here anyway...

I've been thinking about the people I've left behind and keep wondering if I even want to go back. If they'd even really want me back.

I've never really belonged anywhere, and this place isn't all that different, but... at least there's someone who seems to care. But I thought that before, too.

I don't know what to think. I don't know why I'm even writing this.

Comments

Sender: Kratos

[flamberge]

You're writing this because you're likely seeking affirmation of what choice to make, of whether you ought to stay here or return if given the choice.

Most of us here will be unable to give you the answer you seek. Each person's definition of home will differ, as will their logic on whether or not to return, and your thoughts will be further muddled.

Which is why I'll pose a question to you instead: what is your definition of 'home' and 'belonging'?

[lemoncandy]

I don't know. I've never belonged anywhere. I was abandoned after I was born with weapons meant to hurt me. I was raised like something disgusting that shouldn't exist.

And when I escaped there and went to a new place, a place I thought I belonged... It just made me feel more and more like I didn't, actually. I lied to myself and kept saying that I did, but it didn't make that feeling go away.

I don't even know if my ( Manager... That's too obvious to say, though. Um. ) father figure actually likes me.

[flamberge]

What had made you feel as though you didn't belong in this new place?

As for your father figure, his actions likely speak louder than his words. How does he typically act around you?

[lemoncandy]

No one wanted to spend time with me. No one ate lunch with me, or talked with me about the things I was interested in, or went out of their way to greet me. I didn't have any friends.

He was different. He did all of those things with me. He saved me. ...But I worry it was out of pity, and now that I've caused him too much trouble, he might be in danger. He might have been trying to get rid of me by sending me on an impossible mission.

[flamberge]

If you'd be willing to share a little more about how your father figure treats you and how you've caused him trouble, I may be able to gauge his reasoning for sending you on that mission.