໒꒱ 002 journal text

[lemoncandy]

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: "Before" vs "now"

What do you do if you don't know where "home" is? If no one wants you, and you're stuck here anyway...

I've been thinking about the people I've left behind and keep wondering if I even want to go back. If they'd even really want me back.

I've never really belonged anywhere, and this place isn't all that different, but... at least there's someone who seems to care. But I thought that before, too.

I don't know what to think. I don't know why I'm even writing this.

Comments

Sender: Joshua

[empyreancatastrophe]

You've received a lot of good counsel already.

If I may add my own, it would be that it is possible to have more than one home. The heart has infinite room for both people and places. I know not your circumstance, but I do know this to be true.

I also know it is true that to help feel like one belongs, they must carve a spot in their new home. A place just for them, surrounded by those who they keep in their company. Those who care. It seems as though you have a good start.

[lemoncandy]

Carve a spot, huh...

I've kind of been hiding away and keeping to myself. But there is one person who was with me even before all of that. Is one person enough to be "home?" What if they don't agree with you? Where does it leave you?

[empyreancatastrophe]

One person is enough to consider part of your home. Many of us have subsisted on such relationships. Thrived on them, even.

As for the potential for disagreement, I need some further clarification.

Is your worry about whether this person believes they are part of your home?

[lemoncandy]

Yeah, something like that... I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like we're as close as we are. Sometimes it feels like they definitely feel the same but maybe don't want to say it. Other times I start wondering if I'm wrong.

[empyreancatastrophe]

Have you considered asking this person?

[lemoncandy]

Are you crazy?? How could I just ask them? Isn't that... what's it called, cringe?

[empyreancatastrophe]

I don't know. Does 'cringe' mean straightforward?





[A few moments later, and he follows up with this message:]

I am asking in earnest.

[lemoncandy]

( does cringe mean straightforward?

deep thoughts for another day. )

I haven't asked them directly or anything. It feels scary and stupid at the same time. What if I hurt them by asking? What if I was supposed to know?

[empyreancatastrophe]

[But, wait, what does cringe mean??? He has to know! He's dying to know!!!]

[Except this anonymous fellow has more questions. That's more important. Maybe.]

Few would be offended if someone close to them would like to clarify where they stand. In your case, you're looking to elucidate something positive--that this person is important to you.

If they are as important to you as you say, then I sincerely doubt they would take umbrage at such a venture.

[lemoncandy]

I don't know... They kind of get angry pretty easily.

Then again, I guess it's usually not at me?

[empyreancatastrophe]

If it usually is not directed at you, then the precedent is set that it will likely not happen if you ask them a question.

Conversely, we should also consider that the longer the matter is left unresolved, the more hurt, and therefore more angry, they may feel when it finally is addressed.

[lemoncandy]

They could feel hurt about it? I didn't think about that before...

[empyreancatastrophe]

It isn't a factor oft considered.

When attempting to mitigate damage, we tend to become so absorbed in doing the right thing that we lose sight of the bigger picture--of the potential harm our otherwise charitable intentions may cause.