໒꒱ 002 journal text

[lemoncandy]

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: "Before" vs "now"

What do you do if you don't know where "home" is? If no one wants you, and you're stuck here anyway...

I've been thinking about the people I've left behind and keep wondering if I even want to go back. If they'd even really want me back.

I've never really belonged anywhere, and this place isn't all that different, but... at least there's someone who seems to care. But I thought that before, too.

I don't know what to think. I don't know why I'm even writing this.

Comments

[lethechained]

[ A strange analogy perhaps, but functional enough. And goodness knows she's no stranger to existential issues of a few different varieties. ]

I think I see what you mean.
Still, that depends on the cats, doesn't it?
If they've accepted you for this long, some of them might still consider you a friend.
It's one thing to believe that all dogs are bad if they've only ever fought with them, but if they really got to know one, that might be different.
For some of them, that is.

[ She can certainly think of a few of those types in her life; after all, it's not as if Sora didn't fight every Dusk or Organization member he saw but treated Nobodies like her and Roxas kindly. Sometimes the power of friendship really does win out. ]

However you came to be, you exist now whether you're supposed to or not.
No matter what you are, your decisions are still your own, and what you choose to do might be more important to some people than anything else about you.
Besides, there are other creatures out there besides cats and dogs, aren't there?

[ Someone, somewhere would accept him, surely, even if the 'cats' wouldn't. Reverein's proven to be that somewhere full of those someones often enough, in her experience. ]

[lemoncandy]

The thing is that I never fit in with the cats in the first place. I just wanted to. I've never been able to kill a dog, no one wants to sit with me at lunch, no one wants to talk to me about things...

Even the one cat who raised me sent me on a mission hoping I wouldn't ever come back.

I don't know what it means.

There are humans, too... But humans hurt me. Even if humans hurt me, though, the one person I can trust here is human, too. I don't know what's real.

[lethechained]

[ It only gets more familiar, doesn't it? Still, it's hard to say, 'I know how you feel' when 'feeling' is such a complicated topic for her to begin with, and they've only just met besides. She'd have preferred to think him more similar to others she knows than to herself; it would be easier, in fact, to have more faith in the people around him if his situation didn't remind her so strongly of the Organization, of DiZ and her own predicaments in the past. ]

If that's the case, then it might not be a bad thing that you didn't fit in with the cats.
I don't know for certain why they would have done that to you, but some people seem to think that they have to destroy anything that they can't control.

[ Some aspects of this, however, she feels more confident reassuring him about, given her experience in the matter. ]

Not all humans are the same. There are good ones and bad ones, like any other kind of person.
I don't think most of the ones here would try to hurt you without any reason to.
I've been here a long time, and I've noticed that they usually like to work together with everyone else, no matter who or what they are.

[ A beat; she's hesitant to admit her own status quite as openly as she would be if she stated it directly here, ]

But if you're worried, there are plenty of others here who aren't human at all that you could try to be friends with, too.

PRIVATE

[lemoncandy]

( This message is... nice. It's very kind. It attempts to be helpful without overstepping, which is a hard thing to find for Shealtiel, and is especially important to him.

So, he switches to private, curious. )

Are you human?

( He has no idea, honestly. Either she's a very friendly human with a surprisingly open mind, or she's someone who understands the struggle of trying to fit in with your own "people." Something like that. Right? )

I've met at least one good human. And I've met a good demon dog or two, too, when I was always told they could never be. So you might be right.

PRIVATE

[lethechained]

[ Over text, it's a little hard to tell if this is helping or not - but it feels enough like it might be when he admits to having met a good human that the corners of Naminé's mouth flicker cautiously upward. The question Shealtiel asks is a reasonable one given the context, despite how it makes her pause. Naminé might not know him, exactly, but with the conversation now private, it seems safe enough to answer.

(And unlikely that he would take such a path to suss out non-humans for any kind of nefarious purposes. That knowledge doesn't serve for much around Reverein, no matter her instinctive misgivings about letting on that she's unusual.) ]

Not exactly, no.
I was part of a human once, but I'm not one on my own. None of her memories belong to me.
From what I hear, she and I are separated for good now.

[ Given her point of view, that hasn't actually happened yet. It's only in the nebulous future that trustworthy people from later on in her timeline have explained to her that she and Kairi are more properly differentiated. In short, it's all a bunch of extra existential garbage this poor fellow doesn't need twisting up his brain, especially when he's got his own problems to work through at the moment, so she leaves that part of the explanation aside for now. Instead, ]

That's good to hear. I'm glad that not everyone has been unkind to you.

[ Not that she would expect otherwise in a place like Reverein, but it sounded like that might have applied somewhat to his previous life as well, so it's heartening enough. And yet - that he would write a post seeking help in the first place... she racks her brain for the right thing to say. Honestly, from experience; ]

I know how easy it can be to get discouraged if you aren't lucky enough to be like everyone else.
But as long as you still exist, there's always a chance for you to find your place, no matter how unusual you are.
There are countless worlds and places and people, and all of them are connected in one way or another.
It might not be where you expect, but there's somewhere out there for everyone, I think.

[ If she could manage it, then surely he can, too; since evidently neither of them were supposed to be to begin with, then what difference is there, really? In the past, she might not have believed in such a thing either, but the most recent couple of years have finally been kind enough to her to foster a more optimistic view on the subject. ]

PRIVATE - from now on!

[lemoncandy]

( It's true that he never considered an entirely different place from the realms he knew of when he was back in Paradiso. Or on Earth. This is... a new opportunity, isn't it? But of course it can't be that easy, either.

These kind words are touching. More than that, that this person offered to share that she's not human, and how...

He feels like he owes her at least a little more. )

Thanks for telling me. I thought there were only humans here, but I guess that's because I've been hiding away.

I'm an angel. Or at least that's what I told myself for a long time... I can't even bring myself to say what my other half is. Angels and demons are supposed to hate each other. They kill each other.

It sounds like you're in a different situation, but still one that no one else could understand... So I guess you can understand me in that way.

I'll stop moping around soon. Thanks for all of your help.

[lethechained]

Some of us aren't easy to tell apart from them.
I'm sure you're not the first person to be confused in the beginning.

[ People rarely if ever notice any difference in her case - although that might be in part because Naminé has outgrown the only outwardly noticeable peculiarities of her nature. Someone attuned to the spiritual might be able to tell a difference, but otherwise...

In any case, angels and demons do make for a more dramatic pairing than cats and dogs. She can fill in the blanks well enough, eyes blinking wider as she reads. ]

I can see now why you described the situation the way you did.
I don't know much about angels or demons, but I know they can both be very dangerous.
You must have had a really hard time.

[ Not that that wasn't clear, but... what can she do besides express her sympathy? As for that other part, ]

I think you're right. You and I do seem to have some things in common.
In my case, there is one other person like me, since he and I were created together.
But even between the two of us, there are still some important differences.

[ Powers, certain fundamental aspects of their natures... it only gets more complicated, really. But that's hardly relevant; much more importantly, she's relieved to be able to write back, ]

You're welcome. I'm happy we were able to talk about this, and that you were brave enough to look for help.
I won't ask you for your name, but if we ever meet again, just know that I'll be willing to listen to you if you need it.

[lemoncandy]

( She's so sweet... Maybe there are other people here he should get to know. It almost makes him want to trust others.

But it feels so hard, at the same time. The closer he gets to wanting to open up, the more he closes down in defense. It's hard to break past that. )

Thank you. Maybe some day I'll tell you who I am. But for now... I'm just a grateful stranger.

[lethechained]

[ Old habits die hard, as they say. Naminé's certainly all too familiar both with trust issues and those others who have them, so she's smiling just a little as she writes back, ]

In that case, for now I'll just say that you're welcome, stranger.
And that it was nice to meet you, if we haven't met already.