dreamcrystals | the poppies blow;

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the poppies blow;

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: War

I know this is a difficult subject for some so please move along if it is for you. But for those of you who have been in wars or battles (formal or not) - how do you deal with it after?

At least from my perspective it's not over yet, but... I don't have to fight here. I don't have to be afraid for the lives of myself or those around me. But the blood is still on my hands. The battles I fought still took their toll. Nothing seems to help. I've heard 'time will help' but that doesn't do anything for me now, when I need help.

I don't normally ask for help, but I'm at a loss here.

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I used to be really into drawing. Not as much anymore. It was never any big projects, just sketches.

Well, there's no time like the present to get back into it. Even if it was just sketches.

It's not like I was all that good at it. I just kind of did it to pass the time. I never showed them to anyone if I could help it.

And some days all I can see are awful things in my head.

Even doing it to pass the time is something. And in order to get better at something, practice is needed. Even if you don't want to show anyone.

Perhaps drawing then would help to get them out? You don't even have to keep the drawings if you don't want to.

Maybe. I just don't know how much violence is like... appropriate to draw.

I mean no amount of violence is really appropriate to be in, but I was anyway. I guess.

I don't disagree with you there.

But, I suppose my next question would be, who are you drawing for? Because drawing for an audience is different from drawing for yourself

I don't know. Myself, I guess. It's not like anyone would want to see them.

I don't know. I've always been glad to see something that someone is particularly proud of.

But if you do not intend on showing anyone, what fear is there of drawing what you want. If only to get the idea out of your head.

I guess... fear of seeing it again. Of it being 'real' again. If that makes sense.

I know there's no such thing as 'giving an idea power' - okay maybe here - but it's still kind of a rough thing to do. To see the things I've fought against again, to see the things I've lost people to.

It does, very much so. It's not a feeling that goes away easily. I'm quite familiar.

But I've also learned that bottling it up does not help. And often times, especially here, it can sometimes come out in ways that we do not wish to. Dreams can be put on display.

I don't know if that changes your thinking.

But I do appreciate your dilemma. I've been there many times.

It's already come out somewhat. But I don't know how to protect people from it. They don't need to get hurt. If it's my issues it's my fault if they get hurt.

But bottling it up is the only way I really know how to deal with it. I was always a sensitive kid but even still the idea of talking to people about it is scary. I've done it a little bit, but people tend to be horrified if I tell them the details of things I've seen and had to do.

I don't want to hurt people more than I need to.

No one ever does. It's clear you have a good Heart.

I can understand how talking about something like this can be scary, but sometimes being honest with your friends is a lot easier than waiting for things to explode. I can assure that that will cause more hurt.

It's admirable to want to protect everyone, but that doesn't mean you should bear the burden entirely.

The only person who would really understand was there, too. And she's hurting just as much as I am. We don't have outside people to talk to about this, not at home. Here... I've met one or two people, but it's still hard.

Like... how do you explain what torture's done to you? How do you explain what it's like to look into someone's face and know they're not the one looking back? It's hard to know what's too far to talk about. I've never really known how to gauge conversational limits.

I know I'm still young. But that makes all of this even worse...

I am so sorry to hear that that has happened to you.

It shouldn't happen. Especially to one so young.

[He knows this all too well, even if that is hard to convey in writing. Though, perhaps his feelings come through.]

But, I suppose you could always ask and make sure if they are ready to hear it. Or to have that conversation.

Because I do think it is one that you need have.

Maybe. ... I don't know if she's the type of person to have that kind of conversation. I care about her a lot, but she's not really that sort of touchy-feely type.

Even if they aren't that kind of person, as a friend, they may want to offer their help, however they can.

Our friends are not so quick to leave us in the lurch.

I admit, it sounds like you might be making excuses.

I mean like... probably. It feels like I am, even if there's a point behind them.

I just don't... know how to do this kind of stuff. Being emotionally vulnerable anymore. It's hard.

It can be very hard, I agree. I have struggled with it myself.

It takes a lot of bravery to take that first step and open up.

Is this a step? Or does it only count for like half?

I think it counts as a full one. Which means you're ready to take the next one

Figuring out the steps is probably just as hard as taking them, isn't it?

Very much so, but they must be taken, one way or another.]

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the poppies blow;

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