fifth entry ⊗ first dream: only in a dream

[flamekthunder]

Sender: Eustace
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive Dream Recording
Warnings: Death makes for a sad ending to an otherwise happy dream (no violent acts but there is a lot of heavy grief)
Notes: A dream depicting glimpses of a lone wolf at various stages of his life and eventually forming his own family until...

It begins with a vast snowy white landscape, so empty and barren save for a few bundles of trees that appear here and there. Atop a barren cliff lays a lone silver gray wolf, its right eye slightly scarred at its brow as if it had been burned, but it's subtle, just barely noticeable under the tufts of fur. As the wolf slowly opens its eyes, the right eye is a little duller compared to the bright blue of the left. But it can see just as well and it tracks the sudden movement below—of other wolves crossing the snowy plains, a few of them playing around and running freely with each other. It seems warmer down there, welcoming...yet the lone wolf remains at his perch, turning his head away as ice forms around him.

Time passes and what was once a barren snowscape has changed, pockets of grass and more trees poking through the snow. The wolf is now on the ground watching the others play around, but while he keeps his distance every so often one approaches to shove its head against his side, as if pushing the wolf to the group. The wolf grumbles, pinning his ears and baring his fangs...but he never attacks. Instead two smaller ones appear, one with blue tinted fur and another and orange red, and it's with their help that the lone wolf moves and is brought into the fold. There other wolves run out to greet him, each with their own distinct markings. The lone wolf still doesn't really participate, but he stays within the group, watching...and slowly his tail sways from one side to the other.

Like stop motion the trees grow, the grass spreads, and the number of wolves grow. The once lone wolf still doesn't really participate with their antics, but he appears calmer and more relaxed. He mostly stays on the edge, but he wanders through to be with the others, even letting the younger ones "tussle" with him. The cliff he once inhabited has turned into a mossy green and he hasn't returned to it in a long while. But when he looks out, there's a new wolf beyond the pack—black, female, with deep red eyes. He's wary at first, but she's welcomed into the fold like everyone else who has come through. When she passes by him, his eyes follow her, the scent of flowers lingering.

Once more time passes and the scenes pass quickly, all focused on the black wolf. Of her bothering the gray wolf and sticking to his side. Of her crying and he comforting her. Of him chasing and cornering her. Of quiet moments of them together. With each one, more snow disappears and the feeling of spring grows with the warm atmosphere, and his voice whispers in the breeze as each snapshot passes through.

Tifa, you are my partner now, and I want you to be there in my future. I told you before... You are the one I chose to be my partner for life. The one I chose to give my heart and soul to. No one else.

Tifa Lockhart.

The two wolves race through the snow, a black and silver blur leaving flowers in their wake.

Will you marry me?

Around their necks are matching necklaces: a metal dog tag and glowing charm, the moon on the black wolf and a star on the gray. They continue into the forest of trees, through a flower field bursting with colors—the sunlight dancing over them as petals swirl around them as the two wolves continue to frolic and play with each other, the remaining ice that had once surrounded the gray wolf completely melted away. Eventually they stop to rest against each other, and as he looks over at his mate, his blue eyes shine in a way they never have before. Soft, gentle, completely in love. Slowly they close, wrapped up in that beautiful bliss...

...And when they open, he finds himself staring at two small pairs of eyes, one red, one blue, their coats a darker gray. The pups' tails wag eagerly in the air as they bark.

Dad!
Yay he's awake!
Play with us!

At first he's confused—

Dad?

Who's dad?? But he hears the soft laugh and as he's shoved over onto the side by the pups, he looks over to see the black wolf sitting nearby with a smile, her red eyes shining in delight. Understanding crashes into him like a tidal wave, and while something in the back of his mind tries to warn him, there's a burst of light, the ground overflowing with flowers as he laughs and plays with the pups. His pups.

His family.

Things go by in a blur. Spending lazy days together, meeting and venturing with the original pack. It seems as if it all could end peacefully like this. ...But then there's a low rumble overhead, dark shadows overtaking the once sunny area. As lightning cracks high overhead as if to shatter the once picturesque sky, the pups whine and hide beneath his legs. It's just a storm and yet there's a chill in the air that causes every single hair to stand on end. One that makes them run, run before the darkness engulfs them, run to their home where they would be safe. But—

Where is she?

—the thought blares through his mind as they dash into the cave and everything goes dark.


Rain falls. It beats on the gray wolf who sits with his head hung low, his once vibrant blue eyes dull and lifeless, tears now ice frozen on his fur. In fact there's no color at all—it's all white, gray, and black. In front of him is the black wolf lying on her side, eyes closed. A dark pool spreads beneath her lifeless body, flecks of red breaking through the monochrome. Her necklace lies in shattered pieces, the beautiful glowing moon crushed, dull. Beside him the pups whine and try to move him, but he doesn't budge. He can't. The weight of loss chains him down—

I failed.
I failed to protect her...

I killed her.

Slowly he falls forward, his head landing lightly just above hers. As the rain turns to the snow, ice crackles and forms around him. At first he still hears the pups, but when he slowly cranes his neck he can see them fade away, disappearing into the ether. Because they were never real to begin with.

They never can be real, a dark voice whispers as the snow continues to slowly bury him. None of this is.

No longer is he a wolf, but Eustace cradling Tifa's lifeless body as it slowly disappears, the snow and ice almost completely covering him as the voice becomes heavier and more oppressive as it continues.

When you wake up, you will forget it all like you did before. When she wakes up she will leave you for another.

A dream. This is all just a dream.

All it ever will be.

[It's there that the dream will cut off as Eustace jolts awake.

Note: there will be some delay before Eustace responds but he'll at least be of...somewhat calm mind if a bit more reticent and giving shorter, curt answers. ]

Comments

[starshower]

Stop.

[Whether he was intending to finish the thought or not, she very gently inserts her plea.

This is exactly why she didn't want to tell him. He doesn't need this; he doesn't need to fret about her when she can simply leave it be. He had his own things to worry about—things that had very real consequences that could affect him in ways far worse than this. And now that he does know, her worst fear is that whether or not she is okay is going to eat him alive from the inside out...]

You had bigger things to worry about than me. I'll be fine...

[flamekthunder]

No.

[Although he's still distraught, the way he answers and looks at her is fierce and stern. Although it's not solely directed at her as he sighs and runs a hand over his face.]

...No, we're both doing the same thing for the same reasons. We're trying to keep everything to ourselves for the sake of the other when we shouldn't be.

[It made sense before, when they were still processing their feelings for one another. And it's an old habit that's going to take a while for either of them to really quit. But Eustace realizes that what they're doing is only working against them. It's a lesson he had realized back then with Flamek and Diaspora, and it's a lesson he's realizing again now that he's chosen to spend the rest of his life with Tifa.

Taking her hand, he stares into her eyes earnestly.]

We're about to be married... Even though we want to shield each other we can't. Just as you want to share and solve my problems, I want to do the same for you.

I won't deny it... Hearing what you've went through does make me feel more responsible about it. But I would have felt worse if I found out later than this. ...Just as you would if I had continue to keep everything to myself.

[His expression then hardens as his hands grip hers in a tighter hold, his voice rising just a hair.]

So don't tell me you'll be fine when I know you're not.

[starshower]

[Old habits die hard, and they are even more resilient when no one has ever paused to tell her to stop taking it all on her own. To stop pretending that she'll be okay, to stop swallowing it all down and moving along, complacent to the fact that things are the way they are. It's always just something that Tifa's done. Others have their hardships, and they shouldn't have to worry about hers, is what she would tell herself. She could handle it, but if others needed her shoulder to help bear those burdens, then she would.

Eustace is no different. The only difference is her absolute desperation in wanting to help him, to shoulder some of those fears that he has, and to be the singular constant at his side; the one unchanging, unrelenting, unwavering pillar of strength. There is nothing she wants more in this world to be it.

But he's right, and his words shake her right down to her soul where they ring and resonate and try to sink in, into a place where she won't ever forget them.

"I want to do the same for you."

Tifa sobs out loud, her relief and her guilt palpable, and under his touch, her hands will feel hot, almost too hot to the touch as her emotions pour forth, unencumbered, the dreamotion soaking it all up and turning it into something tangible. She doesn't mean to, but hearing him say all those things, she can't help it...]

Please... [she finally manages in a broken voice.] Please don't think this is because of you, or that anything is your fault. It's not...

[Now that she's finally told him what she sees, what she still dreams about, she needs to be sure that he fully and completely understands this.

If he hasn't already withdrawn his hand, her fingers will curl tight around his.]

I want to share it all with you, but... I need you to promise me...

[flamekthunder]

[Rather than withdraw, his hands tighten even more around hers, keeping them close between them as the warmth seeps and thaws through some of the chilling frost that had begun to form unknowingly behind him.]

...It will be hard, but I promise. In my head I know it's not, but...emotions are more fickle. I will be able to get there, it will just take some time.

[And he has made some progress. Unlike before when everything would have frozen over, he's managing to just have that initial burst before rationalizing and countering those instinctive, guilty thoughts. One day he won't need to convince himself.]

[starshower]

[It's good enough. She believes him, and she trusts him that, even should the worst of it come again just like it had tonight, she trusts that he will at least try not to lay all of the blame on himself. He is strong—the strongest, most resilient person she knows, but even his shoulders can only bear so much before he finally breaks beneath the weight. But she understands him... As much as she hates it, she knows why he didn't warn her sooner.

She leans in, foreheads bumping, and her lips brush lightly across his.]

Promise you'll tell me next time it happens too... You can't keep doing this alone.

[A pause, and her fingers twitch before she threads theirs together.]

I'll do the same, okay? If it ever happens again... This is the first time it's happened since... I can't remember, but... if it ever does...

[She's dreamt about it before, in passing, but it was never quite as vivid as this had been.]

[flamekthunder]

[He hesitates out of instinct, but he mentally shakes it away. Even if he would rather leave her out of it, to spare her of this, he couldn't possibly back down now. So with a small exhale he nods.]

...Mm. I promise.

[His lips lightly brush over hers as he continues speaking.]

...We're partners for life. From now on we share in each other's pains and burdens and solve it together.

[starshower]

[All she can do is nod at first, an affirmation that she hears and understands him. That she'll keep her promise too, and her free hand lifts to wrap around his dog tag that dangles from her neck and hangs over her heart, her fingers running along its edges and his name etched upon it. Any time she feels even the slightest twinge of anxiety, she looks to it to remind her that she has him to lean on, and now...

Now it's just a matter of finding the strength to do so. She has the strength to stand on her own, but to depend on others like that... it's harder.

But for him, she's willing to try. For him, she'll do anything.]

We will.

[The tremble in her voice is still there, and she makes every effort to steady it, but it's still resolute in tone, and she leaves no more room for them to debate it—not that she thinks that they will—because she's pressing her lips to his before he can say anything more and sealing their promise between them. It's brief but passionate. Longing... and when she parts from him, she's left feeling nearly breathless as her eyes flutter open to connect with his.]

...Can I ask, then... [she begins quietly.] How bad is it? That nightmare energy?

[flamekthunder]

[He receives and returns it all in full, pulling her hand closer to him and in turn pulling her closer to him as he pushes back into her, his own actions no less passionate or desperate. To have someone to depend on something like this... It will take a lot of adjusting. It's only fortunate that he had already begun to understand and take similar steps back in his world with the others, but still nothing quite so intimate. So to have someone like Tifa to finally crack through that last wall into his heart to really see all his fears and insecurities...it's a lot. It's a bif change, and he senses it's the same for her.

So Eustace takes a moment to feel this change between them before he considers her question. He thinks back to what he saw earlier in the bathroom...

...

Slowly he pulls back.]

...I can't say for certain. I think it's fine since I don't feel anything extreme like the previous times.

[Like, you know, when he almost froze everything and called upon powerful lightning storms.]

However, remember the wound I received on my shoulder, back on the moon? I did see some of that black energy around it... But it was brief and it immediately disappeared when I thought of you and pushed my love for you against it. I haven't noticed or seen it since, so I can only assume it was just a lingering effect from the nightmare.

[Which makes sense given the nature of nightmare energy. It was a bad nightmare towards the end, it wouldn't be that unusual to see something come of it.]

[starshower]

[She remains close, clinging to him and not willing to let him move too far from her now that she's been enveloped in the heat of his body again, that uncharacteristic chill in the morning air finally fading. Tifa can already feel some of that tension she's been carrying leaving—not all of it, however, because she braces herself for his answer.

Tifa looses a sharp sigh, recalling that memory of the moonscape. She remembers that as if it were yesterday too—how he'd sustained that bite from the noctaser that had been chasing them as he tried to protect him, and the sheer rage that overcame her when she saw him laying injured on the ground. The last time she had ever felt that sort of anger was after the plate had fallen, and even then, she had somehow managed to keep it under wraps...

That... had been an entirely different side of her that she never knew existed.

Her lips quirk into a crooked, melancholic smile when he mentions that he'd thought of her, and there's that warm, fluttery feeling of affection that surges in her chest that all she can manage to mutter is:]

I see...

[Her fingers move from the tag to take him by the shirt again, as if holding on to him is her only lifeline to keep her afloat, and to stop her from sinking further into the depths of these memories.]

Well, that's... good, isn't it? [Her tone takes on a hopeful note.] That means that there is a way to fight against it, if it goes away like that... huh.

I wonder if... you think the charms could...?

[flamekthunder]

[A small nod as he feels the warmth of her charm against his chest where it rests beneath his shirt.]

Nightmare energy is just another form of dream energy, and can be viewed as a "negative" alignment. So long as it's countered with "positive" aligned emotions, then it appears to negate and balance, becoming nothing more than the kinds of things we see normally.

So I think the charms could have a positive effect, too...especially when their meaning along will help remind me of what we have.

[starshower]

So then...

[She hears the desperation in her own voice, feels it flow right out of her, and Tifa stops herself before she can get another word out. Closing her eyes and taking in a breath, she tries to shake it off.]

So then... [she starts again.] We can fight it... you and me. ... I know it won't make your fears go away, but maybe with enough, we can get rid of it.

[It's probably a long-shot, and in the back of her mind, she has an inkling that it isn't that simple, but a girl can hope, can't she?]

... Maybe that shopkeeper was telling the truth...

[flamekthunder]

[Getting rid of... Is that possible? In his mind he's not so sure and even thinks it might be better if he accepted and grow with it, harness it similar to what 76 has done. If she hears that, would she disapprove?

...Of course she would.

But trying to control and balance it like this isn't wrong, either. Why not both? Tamper it down while also wrestle with it so it doesn't overwhelm him. So he just smiles softly and gently touches her face, that desperation in her voice painful to hear and causing an ache in his chest.]

Mm.

[He leans in gently kisses her lips.]

We l can fight it. Together.

I'll continue to look into other ways as everyone is different. But I'll keep you apprised so you don't feel left out. And you...

[Just the smallest, pointed look.]

If you also want to figure out ways, I can't stop you. Just don't do anything reckless and at least let me know any ideas you have. All right?

[starshower]

[He captures her mid-nod, and she wishes this kiss would never end, her lips chasing his when they leave hers, but she lets him speak, and as soon as he gives her that pointed look, she feels her ears and her cheeks grow hot.]

I will. I promise...

[In spite of the seriousness of the situation, Tifa can't help but smile at how well he seems to know her. How well he can read her and how he understands her—even her faults.

But together... together they might be able to overcome it. She doesn't know how yet, or what they can even do, but if she can at least help to curb some of this energy just by simply being at his side, then she never intends to leave it.

Which carries Tifa to her next thought, and she leans to rest her head on his shoulder.]

That dream wasn't all bad, you know...

[flamekthunder]

[He can't help but watch her carefully because he wants to be sure she understands...but seeing her small smile and that flush loosens his expression, and Eustace is finally able to start relaxing as she leans against him.

Yes...

This.

This is what they should have been talking about and bonding over. Not...that hell at the end. It's still a little bittersweet knowing reality, but it's less bitter when the sentiments are shared and they can make do with other ways.

Like adopting more dogs—]

Mm... I wasn't really conscious about it, but there was a warm feeling through it all.

[Good parts, anyway.]

[starshower]

[One of her arms snakes around him, and she turns so that her head rests comfortably and she can stare out to the orange and yellow horizon, the sun already partway up now. Her free hand reaches for her canteen lid of coffee that she brings up to her lips for a sip, and it tastes so much sweeter and warmer compared to its bitter taste earlier, and she pauses to savour it as the heat rushes down her throat.

This... this feels right, and the fact that they can easily fall back into this after all of that is a testament to the strength of their love and the depth of their understanding for one another.]

Wait... [she says with a light gasp after a few more beats of silence.] What do you mean you weren't conscious? How did it all look to you, then?

[flamekthunder]

[A small tilt of his head.]

I mean I was...aware, but only in the sense of any other dream. It was all through my point of view so even though everyone was a wolf, including myself, it didn't feel strange.

[Hmmmmmm.]

There were some parts that I would feel a little disjointed, like the proposal, but otherwise... It just felt like a normal dream.

[Until the end.]

[starshower]

That's... what it was like for me, too. Nothing felt strange. It didn't feel like I was in a dream...

[Her arm around him unconsciously tightens.]

Those feelings were real. When I looked at those pups, I felt... I don't know how to explain...

[It felt like they were hers, and that other wolf had been the mate she'd chosen. It was the same things she feels whenever she looks at Eustace or is near him. That warm, fluttery, overwhelmingly happy feeling turned up past even what she knows and is aware of.]

Those parts, they... felt nice.

[flamekthunder]

[The corner of his mouth lifts a bit as he listens and watches her.]

...Mm, they did.

[He then looks back out into the early morning sky, the ribbons of bright color slowly becoming more blue.]

I remember when I first saw them I felt confusion...but then... The joy was immeasurable. Not because of their existence, but what it meant.

[His hand finds hers to interlace their fingers, little white star flowers starting to bloom around them.]

...What it meant to have a future with you.

[starshower]

[There's that sharp twinge of sadness that tugs on her heart. It makes her almost lose her breath when she remembers that feeling she felt when Eustace showed her the petal he'd been keeping tucked in his bedside drawer. That moment when reality hit her, and she remembered that it would only ever be a feeling she would know in her dreams...

But as his hand finds hers again, and she feels the warmth slipping between her fingers, she also remembers that she's content—happy with what they have now, and she wouldn't trade this moment, or any moments for anything else.]

Whatever that future is... I want it...

[Is it so selfish to ask for?

She can feel the charm hanging against her chest still and see its light pulsing in the corners of her eyes, and the star flowers that bloom around the rock at their feet, but Tifa keeps them trained on the horizon alongside his.]

You think the world was trying to tell us something?

[flamekthunder]

[If it is selfish, then he'll join her as it's the first time he finds himself wishing for something just as much. To actually look beyond the next day or next month of his life. An actual future instead of being stuck in the past.]

Mm...maybe. But does it matter? Even if it's trying to encourage us, we don't have to listen to what it says.

[His head tilts towards hers, resting against it.]

Just what we want.

[starshower]

[With him so close, Tifa lets her eyes shut as that wave of relaxation washes over her, and he'll feel her weight falling against him at his side.

Her voice has turned so soft that it's barely a whisper when she speaks.]

... And? What do you want?

[flamekthunder]

[A soft smile as his free arm wraps around her waist to hold her close.]

A peaceful, quiet life with you, the dogs, and our friends.

[He could have said just with her... But it really is better with everyone else.

That peace and quiet part may be the most important thing at the moment, however, given everything they've been through. He knows they'll never be without conflict, but at least a week or something come on—]

[starshower]

That sounds perfect...

[The fact that he doesn't—that he includes the dogs, and the others makes her feel that much warmer as he holds her close. Her chest swells with pride and she looks up at him with adoration glowing bright in her eyes before she leans in and steals the lightest, most delicate kiss from him. There is a bittersweet taste underlining it with Tifa's mind wandering back to the pups and how they called him "dad" when they were urging him to play, but it ripples away the moment their lips touch.

As the tip of her nose nuzzles against his, she grins.]

... So. When are we adopting more puppies, you think?

[Is she joking? She might not be.]

[flamekthunder]

[He smiles into the kiss, the warmth of contentment spreading and pushing away any remnants of the cold that had begun to seep into his heart and tried to capture them. It's still a little tough, but... Should something like this happen again, they can better deal with it. Together.

So at her question, he just laughs and lightly brushes her lips as he answers.]

...Whenever you feel like it. But preferably after marriage. As much as I'd enjoy having a little pup around, I also quite like our time alone.

[starshower]

Mm. Me too...

[And here she thought he was going to be impatient about it! But it's true: as cute as a puppy would be, and in spite of all the help they would definitely get from the other dogs, a new pup would be quite the handful.

A giggle flutters over his lips as she keeps him close, and when he mentions the marriage, there's a heat that ripples through her, and she sets down her coffee so that she's free to grab the collar of his shirt again. There's a desperation in her fingers and the firm grip she holds him under, that warmth and that happiness seizing her the same way she does him.]

... I wish I could marry you right now. Right here.