fifth entry ⊗ first dream: only in a dream

[flamekthunder]

Sender: Eustace
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive Dream Recording
Warnings: Death makes for a sad ending to an otherwise happy dream (no violent acts but there is a lot of heavy grief)
Notes: A dream depicting glimpses of a lone wolf at various stages of his life and eventually forming his own family until...

It begins with a vast snowy white landscape, so empty and barren save for a few bundles of trees that appear here and there. Atop a barren cliff lays a lone silver gray wolf, its right eye slightly scarred at its brow as if it had been burned, but it's subtle, just barely noticeable under the tufts of fur. As the wolf slowly opens its eyes, the right eye is a little duller compared to the bright blue of the left. But it can see just as well and it tracks the sudden movement below—of other wolves crossing the snowy plains, a few of them playing around and running freely with each other. It seems warmer down there, welcoming...yet the lone wolf remains at his perch, turning his head away as ice forms around him.

Time passes and what was once a barren snowscape has changed, pockets of grass and more trees poking through the snow. The wolf is now on the ground watching the others play around, but while he keeps his distance every so often one approaches to shove its head against his side, as if pushing the wolf to the group. The wolf grumbles, pinning his ears and baring his fangs...but he never attacks. Instead two smaller ones appear, one with blue tinted fur and another and orange red, and it's with their help that the lone wolf moves and is brought into the fold. There other wolves run out to greet him, each with their own distinct markings. The lone wolf still doesn't really participate, but he stays within the group, watching...and slowly his tail sways from one side to the other.

Like stop motion the trees grow, the grass spreads, and the number of wolves grow. The once lone wolf still doesn't really participate with their antics, but he appears calmer and more relaxed. He mostly stays on the edge, but he wanders through to be with the others, even letting the younger ones "tussle" with him. The cliff he once inhabited has turned into a mossy green and he hasn't returned to it in a long while. But when he looks out, there's a new wolf beyond the pack—black, female, with deep red eyes. He's wary at first, but she's welcomed into the fold like everyone else who has come through. When she passes by him, his eyes follow her, the scent of flowers lingering.

Once more time passes and the scenes pass quickly, all focused on the black wolf. Of her bothering the gray wolf and sticking to his side. Of her crying and he comforting her. Of him chasing and cornering her. Of quiet moments of them together. With each one, more snow disappears and the feeling of spring grows with the warm atmosphere, and his voice whispers in the breeze as each snapshot passes through.

Tifa, you are my partner now, and I want you to be there in my future. I told you before... You are the one I chose to be my partner for life. The one I chose to give my heart and soul to. No one else.

Tifa Lockhart.

The two wolves race through the snow, a black and silver blur leaving flowers in their wake.

Will you marry me?

Around their necks are matching necklaces: a metal dog tag and glowing charm, the moon on the black wolf and a star on the gray. They continue into the forest of trees, through a flower field bursting with colors—the sunlight dancing over them as petals swirl around them as the two wolves continue to frolic and play with each other, the remaining ice that had once surrounded the gray wolf completely melted away. Eventually they stop to rest against each other, and as he looks over at his mate, his blue eyes shine in a way they never have before. Soft, gentle, completely in love. Slowly they close, wrapped up in that beautiful bliss...

...And when they open, he finds himself staring at two small pairs of eyes, one red, one blue, their coats a darker gray. The pups' tails wag eagerly in the air as they bark.

Dad!
Yay he's awake!
Play with us!

At first he's confused—

Dad?

Who's dad?? But he hears the soft laugh and as he's shoved over onto the side by the pups, he looks over to see the black wolf sitting nearby with a smile, her red eyes shining in delight. Understanding crashes into him like a tidal wave, and while something in the back of his mind tries to warn him, there's a burst of light, the ground overflowing with flowers as he laughs and plays with the pups. His pups.

His family.

Things go by in a blur. Spending lazy days together, meeting and venturing with the original pack. It seems as if it all could end peacefully like this. ...But then there's a low rumble overhead, dark shadows overtaking the once sunny area. As lightning cracks high overhead as if to shatter the once picturesque sky, the pups whine and hide beneath his legs. It's just a storm and yet there's a chill in the air that causes every single hair to stand on end. One that makes them run, run before the darkness engulfs them, run to their home where they would be safe. But—

Where is she?

—the thought blares through his mind as they dash into the cave and everything goes dark.


Rain falls. It beats on the gray wolf who sits with his head hung low, his once vibrant blue eyes dull and lifeless, tears now ice frozen on his fur. In fact there's no color at all—it's all white, gray, and black. In front of him is the black wolf lying on her side, eyes closed. A dark pool spreads beneath her lifeless body, flecks of red breaking through the monochrome. Her necklace lies in shattered pieces, the beautiful glowing moon crushed, dull. Beside him the pups whine and try to move him, but he doesn't budge. He can't. The weight of loss chains him down—

I failed.
I failed to protect her...

I killed her.

Slowly he falls forward, his head landing lightly just above hers. As the rain turns to the snow, ice crackles and forms around him. At first he still hears the pups, but when he slowly cranes his neck he can see them fade away, disappearing into the ether. Because they were never real to begin with.

They never can be real, a dark voice whispers as the snow continues to slowly bury him. None of this is.

No longer is he a wolf, but Eustace cradling Tifa's lifeless body as it slowly disappears, the snow and ice almost completely covering him as the voice becomes heavier and more oppressive as it continues.

When you wake up, you will forget it all like you did before. When she wakes up she will leave you for another.

A dream. This is all just a dream.

All it ever will be.

[It's there that the dream will cut off as Eustace jolts awake.

Note: there will be some delay before Eustace responds but he'll at least be of...somewhat calm mind if a bit more reticent and giving shorter, curt answers. ]

Comments

Sender: Susato Mikotoba

[judicialassistant]

[ Normally Susato might not watch a dream like this. As much of a gossip as she is, she'd like to maintain some modicum of respect for people's privacy. It takes a moment for her to recognize the wolves as Tifa and Eustace, but she does recognize the dog tag and charm.

She definitely wasn't aware they had any children.

She's about to shut her journal, but then... Tifa's dead. She bites her lip, her breathing becoming shaken, and she shakes her head. ]

Eustace

[ .........Wow. What does she even say? There's a lengthy pause. ]

Are you awake? [ She has no idea how long ago that might have been or what he's even doing. ]

[flamekthunder]

[There's definitely a gap before Eustace answers, and it's a short one.]

I'll be fine.

[As if preempting the question that will likely be asked.]

[judicialassistant]

[ Wow, she's shocked.

No, she's not. But you're still not getting rid of her that easily. ]

Apologies. I don't mean to intrude, but I had to be sure. I saw the whole thing.

[flamekthunder]

[He had wondered if anyone would see it really... The only other dream people had seen was the one they were able to dreamwalk into a few months back. Otherwise he had gone almost the whole year he's been here without one appearing on the lanterns. So Susato's message only confirms it and he can only hope not many will see it.]

It's fine.

[Not really— Without anyone else he'd probably leave it at that, but since it's Susato...he musters the energy to add a little more.]

I appreciate the concern.

[starshower]

[The scent of spring is thick in the air—of dewdrops clinging to the blades of grass in the plains in the early hours of the morning, of flowers beginning to bloom, of the snows melting away so that it might give way to new life. She stands there, alone, looking out to the pack from a distance, watching wishfully, wondering if they would accept her should she greet them. She's been alone for as long as she can remember, never quite finding the place she belongs after losing her own pack. She is wary when she approaches, but the moment that she does, she's accepted as if she were always one of them. The smaller pups leap around and vie for her attention, but it's tied to one—a silver gray wolf who stands at the edge, and their eyes briefly meet.

And then again. And again. Each time they pass, she feels his gaze linger a little longer, and hers does, too.

She begins to notice how he keeps to himself. In spite of all the others encouraging him to join, he sticks to the edges of the pack, even as they move, walking so tall and so proud, but so alone... Until one day, she joins him at his side and never leaves it.

Images flash before her eyes. Of the gray wolf kissing her tears away. Of him running after her through the woods, and no matter how fast she tries to run and hide away, he always catches her and then never lets her out of his sight. She sees that there is still snow on the ground ahead of them, but wherever they run, spring is sure to follow, their paws trails of flowers and spring wherever they touch, like magic.

And somewhere, in the back of all of that, she hears a voice. His voice, and it's speaking not to the wolf, but... to her. To Tifa.

She knows this because they are words that she's kept close to her heart ever since she heard them. They shifted her entire life, turned her world upside-down, and all of it for the better.

"Yes. Yes. Yes. I'll marry you..."

Her head is filled suddenly with the smells of summer—of blooming dandelions as they frolic and tumble through them together, of the wood as they weave through trees, of the cool grass as they search for shade from the sun. Around their necks are their matching tags and charms—the star and the moon, and they shine and glow brilliantly as they rest their heads in the field of star flowers and lilies. She looks over to the gray wolf and, seeing the way he looks back at her, she feels her heart swell with love, but she's much too shy beneath his gaze, and so she closes them.

And when she awakens, she rises to see the two pups leaping and barking over the gray wolf as he sleeps. Dad? They are their pups... and her heart swells with love once more, a little huff escaping her as she watches their tails wag happily when her gray wolf finally opens his eyes. She realizes, in that moment, how much she deeply, fiercely, unconditionally loves him.

But there's something sad that tugs at her heart, too. A truth that she knows deep down but will not breathe life into it by speaking the words.

The rest of their days are a blur. They are filled with happy memories, but it's a clouded haze of memories that never were. Memories of them playing with their pups, carrying them and scolding them, sleeping with them curled up in their fur, riding on their backs, picking them up when they tumble and fall when they run just a little too fast for their little legs. It's hard to think of a time when she was happier than she is now with their little family...

Just as quickly as those pictures appear, they are gone.

A crack of lightning blinds her, and it's as if it splinters their world in two. Where the pack once stood, where her bold, brave silver wolf once was frolicking with their pups, he's gone. All she sees is darkness—black clouds roll through the skies above, and a violent downpour falls over her.

She feels cold... and so weak... It isn't long before she realizes that the darkness that's clouding her vision isn't the storm, but her... as she falls over into the mud. She can feel her fur matting hot against her skin, and blood seeps through to turn the water red as it spills out from beneath her like ink...

There's another flash and suddenly, she's watching from a distance. Watching as the rain continues to fall, as the gray wolf stands over the black wolf's lifeless body. Her moon charm is shattered, its once warm yellow glow snuffed out in death. He lies beside her, her blood staining his brilliant silver coat... The pups are there, nudging him and whining at him to get him to move, but he refuses. He remains at her side.

"I failed to protect her...
I killed her."]

Eustace...

[As rain turns to snow, Tifa finally finds her voice.]

Eustace!

[She calls out to him, but her voice never reaches him. And as snow turns to ice, the image shifts once more.]

Eustace, please. I'm right here! I'm alive, and—

[She chokes on her words with a sob, her newly formed tears freezing to her face, because where the wolves once were, there is Eustace and... Tifa. Her. Her body is lifeless, bloodstained as he cradles it in his arms.

They never can be real. None of this is.]

Stop. Eustace!

[A dream...

She tries and tries to reach him, but when she tries to get up, she feels herself stumble, and the charm at her neck shatters against the ice that's spread across the ground beneath her. And as she brings a trembling hand to clutch the place where it once was, she feels the warm trickle of blood as it falls over the snow.

When you wake up, you will forget it all like you did before. When she wakes up she will leave you for another.]

Please stop...

[A dream. This is all just a dream.

Tifa feels a sudden pull. She's freed from the dream, snatched back into the real world, and seconds after Eustace jolts awake, so too does Tifa with a violent gasp for air as her hand clamours at her chest where that old wound had opened up.]

[flamekthunder]

[He's breathing heavily, his palm pressed against his brow as his eyes remained tightly closed.

What the hell.

What the hell.

Of all the things he could dream, of all the ways it could have gone—

His mind is spinning in completely disarray, ice starting to crackle dangerously behind them on the walls when he finally registers Tifa labored breathing. No—]

Tifa!

[As memories of various dreams assault his mind, he grits his teeth and reaches for her, a hand going to the one at her chest as the other goes to her shoulder. Fear pricks at him—did she see it? Was she...in it? Had the wolf in his dreams not been just his own figment but her instead? No, it can't be—

Yet no matter how overwhelmed he is with his own feelings, seeing Tifa like this makes him push it all aside.]

I'm here—just take deep breaths.

[starshower]

[His voice registers, the sound of her name so firm on his tongue pulls her back down from wherever her head had been spinning. Then, the warmth from his hands on her bare skin are next, the heat spreading in a tingle that awakens her senses. Her hand feels around for the charm, but it isn't there, so instead, she threads her fingers with his when he takes it.

There's no blood, and no scars but the one she already bears, but her heart is still beating wildly in her chest, and her lungs are still crying desperately for air. His voice calms her, and she closes her eyes for a moment, listening to it, letting it sink in, before she blinks them open and looks at him. When she speaks, her voice is broken and edged with a strange mixture of fear and relief.]

... Eustace...

[If anyone should be saying that, it's Tifa.

And without another word, she wraps her arms around him and pulls him into an embrace. He'll feel her heart still racing, her pulse going mad as she tries to steady her breathing, and her hands tremble as her fingers curl into his hair, but what matters is that he's there, where he belongs...]

What...? What happened...?

Sender: Reaper

[b_a_n_g]

[Everyone everywhere being a wolf, huh? Was this actually how most other people dreamed beyond their own selves? It was silly and the whole scene was like a fairytale one would see in a childish holovid.

He was just a passive passenger for the whole affair, as he made as little effort entering other dreams as possible. Still, one point seemed to stick with him.]

It feels like she's punching well below her weight class here. A shame. I didn't entirely hate her.

[He and Tifa had had an amusing strut session not that long ago. Her embarrassment had been worth the whole thing.]

[flamekthunder]

[At first he just...squints. He doesn't really care about the first part, but the second part somehow does rub him the wrong way. "Didn't entirely hate her" the hell is that supposed to mean— If that's supposed to part of the joke he wasn't in the mood for it.]

Then it's a good thing we don't care about your opinions.

[Maybe he's reading this wrong (and a favorable reading of the first part would be a weird but acceptable compliment towards her at his expense) but he's not liking it one way or another. Making a joke or not how dare—]

[b_a_n_g]

[Adorable. The reply managed to tug a smile on his lips. He did so enjoy the attempted sassy comebacks.]

If you didn't care, you wouldn't have replied. I expect the only reason you replied was to defend her. Don't we all do that for those we love, hmmm?

Sender: Trahearne | Private

[pactmarshal]

[ ... Well. At least Trahearne can repay the kindness now. ]

Checking in. Are you doing all right, Eustace?

[flamekthunder]

No.

[pactmarshal]

[ Oh. Trahearne wasn't sure what he was expecting, but it certainly is like Eustace to be honest about this.

All the more reason to do something. ]

Anyone would be after a dream like that. I understand.

I can pick up some food or drink, or anything else if you need it.

Is Tifa there with you?

sender: Diluc

[disdelusioned]

[Diluc stares at his darkened lantern for several minutes after the dream cuts off, feeling as if he's been punched in the stomach. While he can't relate to the dream's specifics--they're Eustace's details, not his--that last, harrowing message is all too real to him. Thoma's gone. Ori could leave at any moment. It seems that he's not the only person struggling with that fear.

He rises from his bed, careful not to rouse Ori, and moves to his office. He knows he isn't going to be sleeping any more tonight.

- - -

Several hours later, long after the sun has risen, he reaches out:]

I'd like to speak with you in person, when you have the opportunity.

[flamekthunder]

[It'll be some time before Eustace responds, and while the message is odd...he can sense why seeing the sender.]

I'll be available tomorrow.

[He plans on spending most of the day with Tifa for obvious reasons.]

[disdelusioned]

Tomorrow is fine. There's no rush.

[Surely, there are people he'd much rather talk this over with than him.]

Let me know when and where you'd like to meet, and I'll be there.]

sender: Oriphi | private

[hearthwarming]

[ Just as with Diluc, the fears and worries around waking up from this dream and losing all that's become so precious and important to you have been brought to the surface by Thoma's departure from Reverein.

When she finds herself watching this dream - and it does feel like a warm, wonderful dream, at first - she can't bring herself to look away or to stop spectating. Perhaps her subconscious is reaching for Eustace, too, knowing somewhere in the back of her mind even before it becomes obvious that this must be his dream, and knowing that these same fears and worries must have run through his mind, too. After all, he and Tifa have known each other for so much longer and have so much more history around different realms and crossing between them. There's a sinking feeling in her heart as she realizes that she's correct - that in many ways, his fears must be tenfold because of everything they've been through.

She doesn't reach out right away. Tifa is surely there with him. But sometime in the afternoon of the following day, she writes to him: ]

Hi, Eustace. Would you like to take the dogs out together this afternoon or evening?

[flamekthunder]

[...Oriphi, too... He's not as surprised compared to receiving a similar message from Diluc, but knowing the two of them, he can guess how his dream must have struck a chord between them both. He already sidelined Diluc to the next day, but Oriphi... ...]

I can meet you in the evening at the Flowers' house, around 5.

[Check the dogs, get them some dinner... Tifa is also pushing him to go.]

[hearthwarming]

[ Ori tries very hard not to read others' conversations in the journals, and remains unaware that Diluc had similarly reached out. Not that she would have been surprised - they've both had a lot on their minds as of late. ]

Okay, I'll see you then. I'll bring some treats.

[ For the dogs, as usual, although she's certainly planning on bringing some comfort food for Eustace to take for himself and Tifa, too. ]

Sender: Beatrix

[roseofmay]

[There's a lot here. There's so much here that she doesn't know where to begin. She doesn't even know that she wants to touch on anything. If she were him, what would she want most of all?

...

Well. She'd want people to pretend they saw nothing. Maybe that is the best course of action.]

Want to meet a chocobo.

[Because she... has a chocobo now, apparently. And a rooster.]

[flamekthunder]

[Honestly, he would have thought if Beatrix had seen this she wouldn't have responded at all. So he's a bit surprise for multiple reasons, and after a moment...]

Tifa might be more interested.

[Or benefit from seeing the giant bird. ...But.]

However I wouldn't mind as well.

[He recognizes that this is Beatrix's way of trying to check on them and.... ....He did similar to Trahearne so really he can't judge.]

[roseofmay]

[Ding, ding, ding. That's exactly what she's doing.]

You are both welcome, of course. I moved him into my treehouse. Apparently he was Zidane's when he was still here.

[Meaning he isn't any longer and she's finally willing to admit that out loud. But that's seriously not what any of this is about. Neither is an inappropriate 'congratulations on your engagement,' honestly.

...Eventually she'll want to say that part, though.]

[mermaidcursed]

( she shouldn't be seeing this, but. there it is, on display for everyone- and what a heartbreaking display it is. nene is... something of a crybaby, admittedly, and this is no different. and if she's feeling this hurt just witnessing it- how does he feel? after a long moment, with shaky writing, he'll get a message: )

Eustace? Are you okay?

[flamekthunder]

[...He didn't think Nene of all people would see this... And he can see how her handwriting is shaking.]

I'll be fine.

[mermaidcursed]

its okay if you aren't
thatd upset anyone

( there's a long pause before she writes again. )

i'm sorry.