໒꒱ 002 journal text

[lemoncandy]

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: "Before" vs "now"

What do you do if you don't know where "home" is? If no one wants you, and you're stuck here anyway...

I've been thinking about the people I've left behind and keep wondering if I even want to go back. If they'd even really want me back.

I've never really belonged anywhere, and this place isn't all that different, but... at least there's someone who seems to care. But I thought that before, too.

I don't know what to think. I don't know why I'm even writing this.

Comments

Sender: Aerith Gainsborough

[inheritedearth]

[Oh, boy. This is the kind of existential stuff she's all about.]

I think... that home is what you make of it. It's not something someone else can decide for you, but what you choose for yourself. Wherever makes you feel happiest.

Do you think this place could become 'home' to you?

[lemoncandy]

How could it be that simple? If the place you've wanted to belong for most of your life would hate who you really are, then how can you just "choose" it? If they'd chase you out, or kill you, how could you possibly be happy?

I don't know about this place. I've been hiding away from everyone, trying not to get too involved. I've been so focused on where I came from that nothing feels right.

[inheritedearth]

Putting it that way might sound simple, but I know it's easier said than done. It's hard to be different, isn't it? To feel like you don't belong, to know that nobody really understands you.

[She doesn't know if people knowing more about the real her would make her unwanted, but she imagines some of it might scare people off. People fear what they don't understand. They don't like things that are different.]

You said there's someone here who seems to care. Let's start there. Sometimes the people are what make a place what it is, too.

[lemoncandy]

( It's weird, talking so freely on something like this. "Talking"... Well, putting it into any sort of acknowledgement or discussion, no matter how anonymous, is scary. He feels like he's being annoying, writing this in the journal in the middle of the night. He feels stupid, ridiculous, like this is his own problem he has to deal with and any words of attempted comfort are undeserved and aimed at someone better than him. They just don't know what he's like, they don't know—

He frowns, gripping his scarred left hand with his right to steady the shaking. It takes a moment for him to reply. )

Do you feel that way, too?

Someone does seem to care. But what if I care more? What if I'm imagining it? Or what if I hurt them, or abandon them on accident again?

What if someone like me doesn't get to have people who care without something going wrong.

It sounds stupid when I write it out like that.

[inheritedearth]

I do, a lot of the time. Maybe a little less these days, but it still creeps in here and there. It's hard to shake that feeling for good, even when you do think you've found a place for yourself.

[Maybe it will help him, to know he doesn't have to be alone in that feeling.]

You don't want to hurt them, do you? Accidents happen, but we can't always plan our lives around what might or might not come to pass. If we did... we would never do anything for ourselves, now, would we.

I don't think it sounds stupid at all. Would you feel better talking about it out loud?

[lemoncandy]

I think if I tried to say these things out loud, I'd trip over all my words and sound like an idiot. I already feel like one now.

But... everyone replying to me at this hour and trying to help says something, I guess. Even if I'm anonymous, people are reaching out...

It feels kind of nice.

Part of me wonders if I put my face to it, if it would be the same. But that might be sort of what you were talking about in the first part of your last message.

[inheritedearth]

I think I get that. Sometimes it's easier to write it down. For what it's worth, my journal is always open! I don't even know if we really know each other, but maybe that's better, in this case. You know I'll be honest and not just tell you what I think you want to hear, right?

I think even if you did put your face to it, people would still reach out. I want to believe that people are generally good, that they have kind hearts. I know that's not true of everyone, but you're always bound to find some. We've all felt alone at some point. I think we all know that lonely is a hard place to be.

[lemoncandy]

( He has a lot of complicated feelings about this. But somehow, it being over writing makes it easier not to blurt out emotional answers in response. Go figure! He can't help but feel that his situation is unique, that no one could possibly understand...

But maybe no one has to be in his exact shoes to find ways to relate to him. Maybe it's not a bad thing to accept this kindness. )

Thanks. I know I'm probably a coward hiding behind no name and no face, but... It helps me.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to reach out for help or anything like that, but I guess this is the closest I've ever gotten, so. I'll keep your offer in mind.

[inheritedearth]

I don't think you're a coward. Some things are just too hard to say out loud, especially if we're not used to having someone we can rely on.

It's tough, being different. It can make it harder to connect with others. You feel like nobody else can ever really get what you're feeling, right?

[lemoncandy]

Yeah. And even when they try to, it makes me feel angry... Like they're simplifying it. Or not letting me speak for myself.

[inheritedearth]

That's hard, too, and not terribly fair of them. Nobody can know how you really feel except for you. They shouldn't try to speak for you.