dreamcrystals | fifth entry ⊗ first dream: only in a dream

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fifth entry ⊗ first dream: only in a dream

Sender: Eustace
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive Dream Recording
Warnings: Death makes for a sad ending to an otherwise happy dream (no violent acts but there is a lot of heavy grief)
Notes: A dream depicting glimpses of a lone wolf at various stages of his life and eventually forming his own family until...

It begins with a vast snowy white landscape, so empty and barren save for a few bundles of trees that appear here and there. Atop a barren cliff lays a lone silver gray wolf, its right eye slightly scarred at its brow as if it had been burned, but it's subtle, just barely noticeable under the tufts of fur. As the wolf slowly opens its eyes, the right eye is a little duller compared to the bright blue of the left. But it can see just as well and it tracks the sudden movement below—of other wolves crossing the snowy plains, a few of them playing around and running freely with each other.

It seems warmer down there, welcoming...yet the lone wolf remains at his perch, turning his head away as ice forms around him.

Time passes and what was once a barren snowscape has changed, pockets of grass and more trees poking through the snow. The wolf is now on the ground watching the others play around, but while he keeps his distance every so often one approaches to shove its head against his side, as if pushing the wolf to the group. The wolf grumbles, pinning his ears and baring his fangs...but he never attacks. Instead two smaller ones appear, one with blue tinted fur and another and orange red, and it's with their help that the lone wolf moves and is brought into the fold. There other wolves run out to greet him, each with their own distinct markings. The lone wolf still doesn't really participate, but he stays within the group, watching...and slowly his tail sways from one side to the other.

Like stop motion the trees grow, the grass spreads, and the number of wolves grow. The once lone wolf still doesn't really participate with their antics, but he appears calmer and more relaxed. He mostly stays on the edge, but he wanders through to be with the others, even letting the younger ones "tussle" with him. The cliff he once inhabited has turned into a mossy green and he hasn't returned to it in a long while. But when he looks out, there's a new wolf beyond the pack—black, female, with deep red eyes. He's wary at first, but she's welcomed into the fold like everyone else who has come through. When she passes by him, his eyes follow her, the scent of flowers lingering.

Once more time passes and the scenes pass quickly, all focused on the black wolf. Of her bothering the gray wolf and sticking to his side. Of her crying and he comforting her. Of him chasing and cornering her. Of quiet moments of them together. With each one, more snow disappears and the feeling of spring grows with the warm atmosphere, and his voice whispers in the breeze as each snapshot passes through.

Tifa, you are my partner now, and I want you to be there in my future. I told you before... You are the one I chose to be my partner for life. The one I chose to give my heart and soul to. No one else.

Tifa Lockhart.

The two wolves race through the snow, a black and silver blur leaving flowers in their wake.

Will you marry me?

Around their necks are matching necklaces: a metal dog tag and glowing charm, the moon on the black wolf and a star on the gray. They continue into the forest of trees, through a flower field bursting with colors—the sunlight dancing over them as petals swirl around them as the two wolves continue to frolic and play with each other, the remaining ice that had once surrounded the gray wolf completely melted away. Eventually they stop to rest against each other, and as he looks over at his mate, his blue eyes shine in a way they never have before. Soft, gentle, completely in love. Slowly they close, wrapped up in that beautiful bliss...

...And when they open, he finds himself staring at two small pairs of eyes, one red, one blue, their coats a darker gray. The pups' tails wag eagerly in the air as they bark.

Dad!
Yay he's awake!
Play with us!

At first he's confused—

Dad?

Who's dad?? But he hears the soft laugh and as he's shoved over onto the side by the pups, he looks over to see the black wolf sitting nearby with a smile, her red eyes shining in delight.

Understanding crashes into him like a tidal wave, and while something in the back of his mind tries to warn him, there's a burst of light, the ground overflowing with flowers as he laughs and plays with the pups. His pups.

His family.

Things go by in a blur. Spending lazy days together, meeting and venturing with the original pack. It seems as if it all could end peacefully like this. ...But then there's a low rumble overhead, dark shadows overtaking the once sunny area. As lightning cracks high overhead as if to shatter the once picturesque sky, the pups whine and hide beneath his legs. It's just a storm and yet there's a chill in the air that causes every single hair to stand on end. One that makes them run, run before the darkness engulfs them, run to their home where they would be safe. But—

Where is she?

—the thought blares through his mind as they dash into the cave and everything goes dark.

Rain falls. It beats on the gray wolf who sits with his head hung low, his once vibrant blue eyes dull and lifeless, tears now ice frozen on his fur. In fact there's no color at all—it's all white, gray, and black. In front of him is the black wolf lying on her side, eyes closed. A dark pool spreads beneath her lifeless body, flecks of red breaking through the monochrome. Her necklace lies in shattered pieces, the beautiful glowing moon crushed, dull. Beside him the pups whine and try to move him, but he doesn't budge. He can't. The weight of loss chains him down—

I failed.
I failed to protect her...

I killed her.

Slowly he falls forward, his head landing lightly just above hers. As the rain turns to the snow, ice crackles and forms around him. At first he still hears the pups, but when he slowly cranes his neck he can see them fade away, disappearing into the ether. Because they were never real to begin with.

They never can be real, a dark voice whispers as the snow continues to slowly bury him. None of this is.

No longer is he a wolf, but Eustace cradling Tifa's lifeless body as it slowly disappears, the snow and ice almost completely covering him as the voice becomes heavier and more oppressive as it continues.

When you wake up, you will forget it all like you did before. When she wakes up she will leave you for another.

A dream. This is all just a dream.

All it ever will be.

[It's there that the dream will cut off as Eustace jolts awake.

Note: there will be some delay before Eustace responds but he'll at least be of...somewhat calm mind if a bit more reticent and giving shorter, curt answers. ]

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[There's a staggered breath as he shakes his head.]

I told you, it doesn't happen so often... I'll always have that fear—it's stemmed from the ones I've had since I lost my family so it will never go away. But these kinds of nightmares...they're rare, I promise.

[He's trying to reassure her, but he knows it's a hard sell. The words seem hollow even to him. But he's not lying—he doubts he will ever be rid of this fear, but managing it is a different story. He's been able to keep it locked down, the lock only forced open during these times.]

...If anything... You being here by my side is already helping.

[It is a hard sell. She believes him and she has no reason to believe it isn't true because most times, he seems happy enough. They are happy, things are good... until this happens, and it feels like the wind's been knocked out of them both. Her being at his side is good enough, he says, but she feels like she needs to—she wants to do more.]

Rare, but when they do happen...

[She blinks her eyes open and lifts her head only far enough to look at him.]

There's that nightmare energy... remember on the moon...?

Yes...

[A small sigh.]

But I only ever notice it when there's such a strong, visceral reaction, which is not unusual given the nature of what nightmare energy is. Even if some is generated, it's gone within the next day.

Because I have you.

[He looks at her.]

You know it best, the worst was when I was on the moon and that was because it's already filled with it. A dream like this...it won't do anything. As long as it's balanced out then that's all it will be—a small side effect that won't amount to anything.

And even if not...

[His voice trails a little before he continues.]

I've already taken steps to prepare against the worst case scenario.

["Because I have you."

...

Those words make her heart, heavy as it is, flutter. It doesn't chase away her fears, but it does help to remind her of what they have with each other. How lucky she is—how lucky they are that in spite of all the things this world throws at them, they've somehow managed to make it this far. And as she tips her head to one side, there's the gentle clink of her charms beneath her shirt as they tumble across her chest to serve as yet another reminder of that.]

Steps...?

[There's a note of curiosity in her voice—one that says it all. This is the first time she's heard about any steps besides what she saw on the moon, and her hand clutches at his shirt tighter, that spark of hope that he ignites surging through every muscle in her body until she's searching for purchase, clinging onto it as tight as she can...]

You remember how I asked for assistance in creating power limiters, mostly for those like Phantom? There is also research in creating uses for them against nightmare energy. It's still in development, but I plan on keeping one on hand once it's finished.

I've also acquired some of the Glowing Dawn flowers that help reduce the nightmare effects. We also received the items from when we went to the moon. And...

[A small pause. Now this is one secret he's kept, but if he's saying this much he should go ahead and say everything.]

...Ever since that dreamscape [She knows which one.] I've kept note of everytime I do experience nightmares.

[She blinks up at him, but there's a nervous flutter to her lashes when her heart stutters and leaps into her throat, and that nervous energy begins to build up again. This isn't the first time she's heard about these power limiters—she had seen that message of his go out through the journals, but she assumed it had everything to do with Phantom and what happened to him, and nothing to do with Eustace...

But it doesn't take much for her to piece it all together now, and she feels her heart wrench in her chest, and she forgets to swallow the air she's breathed.]

... Every time?

[How often is every time, she wonders?]

Why didn't you tell me?

[Although she can already guess his answer, her voice breaks as she asks, slowly, but it's a gentle question. Patient, without an ounce of malice or disappointment. Simply worry.]

The most was right after that dreamscape. After that it was only after certain incidents, like the Bleeding Heart, the moon...and eventually last night.

[This dream.]

But I didn't want to worry you...because I know it would stay on your mind and you would run off and do something on your own.

[She huffs with a sad little laugh, and her hand presses to the back of his neck to bring his face closer to hers, so that she can lightly nuzzle his nose.]

You know me too well...

[Because if she'd heard before now, she absolutely would have gone out and tried to find a way to fix it all on her own. Whether she would have found anything is a different story, but... it reminds her of that time she'd let her own emotions get the better of her, and she bolted off to look into Don Corneo after losing Cloud.

This feeling isn't so different...]

Now that I know... what can I do to help...?

[Just a small, breathless laugh as he lowers his face to her.]

Because I would do the same.

[If the roles were reversed he absolutely would go off and do something on his own. He's even doing it right now, even if it's about himself.]

But now... Now I just need you...

[He almost finishes with a real answer—that he needs her to just stay with him. To love him, to share their usual joys. But he changes it as he pulls back to stare down at her, his gaze piercing.]

...I need you to tell me what you've been hiding.

Me...?

[The word stutters on her tongue when she feels his eyes pierce right through her outer walls and to burn right into her soul. Needless to say, she's stricken into a brief silence as her lips part again to say something, but she shuts them and skirts her gaze elsewhere.

She should have known this was coming. Much as she would have liked to pretend for a little longer that nothing was ever wrong, to pretend that she hadn't been afraid of what she's seen, she always knew there would come a time when he would turn the questioning around on her. That he would figure out that there was something that she was keeping from him, too. She never wanted to tell him because it would only feed into those fears that dwell deep beneath that strong exterior of his, but he'd shared it all with her, and Tifa... she owes him more than what she's been giving him.

So, with a look as if to remind Eustace that this is still about him, she sighs, but keeps her gaze fixed on the sunrise.]

In that dream, I... [Having heard his side, this makes it so much harder, and her voice and her hands begin to tremble as she withdraws them from him.] ... I saw things, too.

[He sees that look, but really at this point isn't this more about them than just himself? Especially with her being affected by the root of it all.]

...What did you see?

[There's a stretch of silence, filled only by the sound of her breathing growing more stilted as the seconds press on, and all she hears is the blood roaring in her ears as she remembers how the dream ended, and the reason why she started awake so afraid and short of breath.]

When I saw you there... with me in your arms, and I was...

[The word dies on Tifa's tongue when she can't bring herself to say it out loud. Unconsciously, her hand goes up to her chest, and then her fingers circle around her throat.]

I felt the blood... those cuts opening up again like I still had them...

[His eyes widen and tremble at hearing her words. She... She saw what happened after...? A wind like roar rushes through his mind, drowning out everything as he feels his chest tighten to the point he can barely maintain a steady breath. And then she... Felt it all again...]

Tifa...why...

[Why didn't she tell him? Of course he knows the answer to that but the words drip out in a strained voice.

And once again, he can only think it's his fault that she was put into such a position. If she wasn't with him—no, that's stupid thinking, but the thorny thought drags itself over the already burning wounds.]

[Her fingers fidget amongst themselves in her lap, that nervous energy that's built up inside her bursting forth in a static fit through the air that forms into a pocket of uncomfortable, stifling heat—not the kind that's gentle and embracing, but the kind that chokes the air out of someone's lungs, and from where she keeps her hands folded on her lap, small embers are carried away in the hot wind.

Tifa knows where the rest of that question would have gone, and she's almost certain that he already knows what she's about to say, but she says it anyway.]

... Same reason you didn't tell me about all this.

[Not because she wanted to keep it a secret, but...

Her hands ball into fists now, and they shake against her legs, all of that tension mounting until it bleeds into every one of her muscles, and she can feel tears form in the corners of her eyes as her own guilt finally surfaces.]

I didn't want you to worry or feel like any of it was your fault. I didn't want to make it worse.

Still...!

[His voice cracks as he can only begin to imagine what kind of pain and pressure she had gone through—and how ignorant he had been, so focused on his own issues he failed to consider Tifa.

Idiot.

He was such an idiot.]

I should have asked you sooner, I...

Stop.

[Whether he was intending to finish the thought or not, she very gently inserts her plea.

This is exactly why she didn't want to tell him. He doesn't need this; he doesn't need to fret about her when she can simply leave it be. He had his own things to worry about—things that had very real consequences that could affect him in ways far worse than this. And now that he does know, her worst fear is that whether or not she is okay is going to eat him alive from the inside out...]

You had bigger things to worry about than me. I'll be fine...

No.

[Although he's still distraught, the way he answers and looks at her is fierce and stern. Although it's not solely directed at her as he sighs and runs a hand over his face.]

...No, we're both doing the same thing for the same reasons. We're trying to keep everything to ourselves for the sake of the other when we shouldn't be.

[It made sense before, when they were still processing their feelings for one another. And it's an old habit that's going to take a while for either of them to really quit. But Eustace realizes that what they're doing is only working against them. It's a lesson he had realized back then with Flamek and Diaspora, and it's a lesson he's realizing again now that he's chosen to spend the rest of his life with Tifa.

Taking her hand, he stares into her eyes earnestly.]

We're about to be married... Even though we want to shield each other we can't. Just as you want to share and solve my problems, I want to do the same for you.

I won't deny it... Hearing what you've went through does make me feel more responsible about it. But I would have felt worse if I found out later than this. ...Just as you would if I had continue to keep everything to myself.

[His expression then hardens as his hands grip hers in a tighter hold, his voice rising just a hair.]

So don't tell me you'll be fine when I know you're not.

[Old habits die hard, and they are even more resilient when no one has ever paused to tell her to stop taking it all on her own. To stop pretending that she'll be okay, to stop swallowing it all down and moving along, complacent to the fact that things are the way they are. It's always just something that Tifa's done. Others have their hardships, and they shouldn't have to worry about hers, is what she would tell herself. She could handle it, but if others needed her shoulder to help bear those burdens, then she would.

Eustace is no different. The only difference is her absolute desperation in wanting to help him, to shoulder some of those fears that he has, and to be the singular constant at his side; the one unchanging, unrelenting, unwavering pillar of strength. There is nothing she wants more in this world to be it.

But he's right, and his words shake her right down to her soul where they ring and resonate and try to sink in, into a place where she won't ever forget them.

"I want to do the same for you."

Tifa sobs out loud, her relief and her guilt palpable, and under his touch, her hands will feel hot, almost too hot to the touch as her emotions pour forth, unencumbered, the dreamotion soaking it all up and turning it into something tangible. She doesn't mean to, but hearing him say all those things, she can't help it...]

Please... [she finally manages in a broken voice.] Please don't think this is because of you, or that anything is your fault. It's not...

[Now that she's finally told him what she sees, what she still dreams about, she needs to be sure that he fully and completely understands this.

If he hasn't already withdrawn his hand, her fingers will curl tight around his.]

I want to share it all with you, but... I need you to promise me...

[Rather than withdraw, his hands tighten even more around hers, keeping them close between them as the warmth seeps and thaws through some of the chilling frost that had begun to form unknowingly behind him.]

...It will be hard, but I promise. In my head I know it's not, but...emotions are more fickle. I will be able to get there, it will just take some time.

[And he has made some progress. Unlike before when everything would have frozen over, he's managing to just have that initial burst before rationalizing and countering those instinctive, guilty thoughts. One day he won't need to convince himself.]

[It's good enough. She believes him, and she trusts him that, even should the worst of it come again just like it had tonight, she trusts that he will at least try not to lay all of the blame on himself. He is strong—the strongest, most resilient person she knows, but even his shoulders can only bear so much before he finally breaks beneath the weight. But she understands him... As much as she hates it, she knows why he didn't warn her sooner.

She leans in, foreheads bumping, and her lips brush lightly across his.]

Promise you'll tell me next time it happens too... You can't keep doing this alone.

[A pause, and her fingers twitch before she threads theirs together.]

I'll do the same, okay? If it ever happens again... This is the first time it's happened since... I can't remember, but... if it ever does...

[She's dreamt about it before, in passing, but it was never quite as vivid as this had been.]

[He hesitates out of instinct, but he mentally shakes it away. Even if he would rather leave her out of it, to spare her of this, he couldn't possibly back down now. So with a small exhale he nods.]

...Mm. I promise.

[His lips lightly brush over hers as he continues speaking.]

...We're partners for life. From now on we share in each other's pains and burdens and solve it together.

[All she can do is nod at first, an affirmation that she hears and understands him. That she'll keep her promise too, and her free hand lifts to wrap around his dog tag that dangles from her neck and hangs over her heart, her fingers running along its edges and his name etched upon it. Any time she feels even the slightest twinge of anxiety, she looks to it to remind her that she has him to lean on, and now...

Now it's just a matter of finding the strength to do so. She has the strength to stand on her own, but to depend on others like that... it's harder.

But for him, she's willing to try. For him, she'll do anything.]

We will.

[The tremble in her voice is still there, and she makes every effort to steady it, but it's still resolute in tone, and she leaves no more room for them to debate it—not that she thinks that they will—because she's pressing her lips to his before he can say anything more and sealing their promise between them. It's brief but passionate. Longing... and when she parts from him, she's left feeling nearly breathless as her eyes flutter open to connect with his.]

...Can I ask, then... [she begins quietly.] How bad is it? That nightmare energy?

[He receives and returns it all in full, pulling her hand closer to him and in turn pulling her closer to him as he pushes back into her, his own actions no less passionate or desperate. To have someone to depend on something like this... It will take a lot of adjusting. It's only fortunate that he had already begun to understand and take similar steps back in his world with the others, but still nothing quite so intimate. So to have someone like Tifa to finally crack through that last wall into his heart to really see all his fears and insecurities...it's a lot. It's a bif change, and he senses it's the same for her.

So Eustace takes a moment to feel this change between them before he considers her question. He thinks back to what he saw earlier in the bathroom...

...

Slowly he pulls back.]

...I can't say for certain. I think it's fine since I don't feel anything extreme like the previous times.

[Like, you know, when he almost froze everything and called upon powerful lightning storms.]

However, remember the wound I received on my shoulder, back on the moon? I did see some of that black energy around it... But it was brief and it immediately disappeared when I thought of you and pushed my love for you against it. I haven't noticed or seen it since, so I can only assume it was just a lingering effect from the nightmare.

[Which makes sense given the nature of nightmare energy. It was a bad nightmare towards the end, it wouldn't be that unusual to see something come of it.]

Edited 2022-08-06 03:22 (UTC)

[She remains close, clinging to him and not willing to let him move too far from her now that she's been enveloped in the heat of his body again, that uncharacteristic chill in the morning air finally fading. Tifa can already feel some of that tension she's been carrying leaving—not all of it, however, because she braces herself for his answer.

Tifa looses a sharp sigh, recalling that memory of the moonscape. She remembers that as if it were yesterday too—how he'd sustained that bite from the noctaser that had been chasing them as he tried to protect him, and the sheer rage that overcame her when she saw him laying injured on the ground. The last time she had ever felt that sort of anger was after the plate had fallen, and even then, she had somehow managed to keep it under wraps...

That... had been an entirely different side of her that she never knew existed.

Her lips quirk into a crooked, melancholic smile when he mentions that he'd thought of her, and there's that warm, fluttery feeling of affection that surges in her chest that all she can manage to mutter is:]

I see...

[Her fingers move from the tag to take him by the shirt again, as if holding on to him is her only lifeline to keep her afloat, and to stop her from sinking further into the depths of these memories.]

Well, that's... good, isn't it? [Her tone takes on a hopeful note.] That means that there is a way to fight against it, if it goes away like that... huh.

I wonder if... you think the charms could...?

[A small nod as he feels the warmth of her charm against his chest where it rests beneath his shirt.]

Nightmare energy is just another form of dream energy, and can be viewed as a "negative" alignment. So long as it's countered with "positive" aligned emotions, then it appears to negate and balance, becoming nothing more than the kinds of things we see normally.

So I think the charms could have a positive effect, too...especially when their meaning along will help remind me of what we have.

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