Dream 01 || Don't ever let me think, I was never meant to speak

[fishflakes]

Sender: Toge Inumaki
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive Dream Recording (CW: Blood, Implied violence, implied body horror)

[The dream is quiet when it first begins to broadcast…. or, at least, it seems quiet. There is an ambient white noise that is prevalent all around, a dull droning that is both incessant and easy to ignore at once. But if one were to listen carefully, they’ll come to realize that it’s not a white noise at all, but rather, whispering; multiple hushed voices all talking as one, a multitude of different murmured conversations that meld into one incoherent buzz. There is very little light in the dream, the surroundings cast into shadows. In the center of the dream, however, is a small boy.]

[The dream seems to be from the perspective of this small boy. He is sitting with his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them tightly. His shoulders shake as his frame trembles with soft, hitched breaths that could easily be missed amidst the whispered voices. A shadowy figure appears looking to be vaguely like an adult, but there are no defining features to this person other than their humanoid shape. They speak out, louder than the whispering voices.]

A child born with the clan’s seal… He will no doubt possess a great amount of Cursed Energy. The Inumaki Clan has been granted a gift.

[Other shadowy figures begin to appear, all apparently looking down at the small, huddled boy. One by one they speak, talking over the whispered voices.]

He bears the mark? He is just a boy…
Such a cursed child… he must be monitored carefully.
Perhaps the Inumaki Clan will finally gain recognition among the three great sorcerer families!
I feel for his mother, having to raise such a child…

[The shadows shift, fading somewhat to reveal an empty schoolyard. The scenery seems to be faded, as if viewed through a lens or veil. Shadowy figures surround the small boy, though their features are indistinct. They all seem to be laughing mockingly, and one of them speaks up.]

What’s wrong, Toge? Cat got your tongue? If you got a problem with how we play, then say so!

[The other figures laugh, full of jeers and ridicule. The small child who is at the center of the dream ducks his face further into his legs, tugs his knees closer to his chest. He whispers in a small voice.]

Please…

[The shadowy ‘children’ suddenly warp, their forms condensing and stretching oddly, violently. Their laughter quickly turns to screams of horror and cries of pain. Over the screams, another voice is heard.]

Toge, what did you do?! What happened to them?!

[The scenery shifts, this time displaying what looks like a traditional Japanese-style home. There are more shadowy adults, looming like oppressive monoliths. They murmur to one another, each voice speaking out over one other.]

Did you hear? That boy cursed someone again. That poor child’s family…
That power is dangerous! It should be sealed away!
This is to be the heir of the Inumaki Clan? He can barely control his own strength.
Haven’t you learned? You need to control this, or else you’ll just hurt everyone around you.

[The boy covers his ears with his hands, grips his hair.]

I-I didn’t mean to..!

[He pleas quietly, but his words are drowned out by the voices that keep coming.]

Don’t you know better?
Why did you curse them, Toge?
The Inumaki Clan depends on you to carry its name, Toge.
This is why it’s dangerous, Toge.
That boy is dangerous!
You’re dangerous, Toge. You need to—

[The small boy trembles, until finally, he shouts out over the other voices.]

BE QUIET!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!

[His voice rings with Cursed Energy, a sharp note amidst the cacophony of voices and shadows. At once, the voices go silent, and the shadows disintegrate under the force of his voice. Even the droning ambient whispers have fallen silent at the command. All is utterly, completely, perfectly silent.]

[Amidst the silence, the young boy gasps and grips his mouth, coughing into his hands several times. When he pulls his shaking hands away, they are covered in blood. He stares at them for a moment, before he wraps his arms around his middle, quietly sobbing into his legs.]

[When he speaks again, it’s barely above a whisper.]

I’m sorry… I’m sorry…

Comments

Sender: Serah Farron

[mooglebow]

[Serha's been seeing some pretty upsetting nightmares this month so far, but this one breaks her heart. Sure, she scolded the children in New Bodhum while she was their teacher, but she would never go that far, not like what she saw here.]

You don't still think you're cursed, do you?

[It's a simple question, but there's probably not a simple answer to it. She's expecting that, but... maybe she'll be surprised.]

[fishflakes]

[It was definitely an unsettling dream, especially for Toge. And after spending some time searching for any telltale signs of him accidentally using his Cursed Speech in his sleep, he forces himself to take a breath, trying to calm his shaken nerves. It's only then that he even realizes his journal is flashing at him.]

[There isn't a simple answer, not really. Having a Cursed Technique automatically means that one is cursed in some way, so in a way the dream wasn't wrong. A part of him doesn't want to reply back, whether out of fear or shame or what have you. But after a moment, he writes a reply back.]

It's not wrong.

[The characters printed are still a little shaky.]

[mooglebow]

[...well, she can't say she knows him, so saying "it's not true" would be shallow.]

I don't want to just say shallow words, so I won't say I don't think you are— I don't know you. But I can say I don't think that how you were treated is right. No one should be treated like that.

[Not a child, not an adult, not anyone in between.]

[fishflakes]

[Toge has to read those words a few times, since his post-nightmare state is surprised to receive such kind words from a stranger. He knows that his small pool of friends would say such things, but a complete stranger... it's a bit new for him. He's still getting used to such kindness from people he would normally never interact with. People who were to be considered civilians, not friends.]

It's just old news at this point is all.
I have a power that can be very dangerous if not handled carefully.
They weren't always harsh, but my family usually reminded me of that fact anytime I messed up and used it without knowing.

[The nightmare may have been an amplified and exaggerated form of what had happened when he was younger, but even the wildest nightmares have a small kernel of truth in them. He knows that all the jujutsu clans, in some way, were strict about their upbringing and about cultivating their future heirs. When raising children with powers that can literally kill people, such steps were often necessary. It did make for an upbringing that was usually quite different from ordinary children, though.]

[mooglebow]

Me too!

[...well, sort of. She has no control over it, but it doesn't hurt anyone! ...just her.]

But mine doesn't hurt anyone, just myself. I can't really control it, it just happens. But I still mean it, if anyone does that to you here, I'll go punch them right in the nose for you!

[Look Snow taught her a lot of things, but she's a pro at punching someone directly in the face. Her sister was a great teacher too, considering how many times she punched Snow in the face....... :')]

Sender: Zhao

[seemagicshit]

[Yeah, they live in the same space, but after something like that, maybe Toge wanted some distance to collect himself. So Zhao gives him a bit of privacy and writes back.]

Well. That probably sucked if all of that is a memory and not just a dream. So I only have a bit to add.

Umeboshi. Beef rib. Osekihan.

[fishflakes]

[Toge does actually appreciate the space, even if he knows the man is but a room or two away. When he replies back, his handwriting is a little shaky.]

Thanks, Zhao.

I'll be fine. It was just a dream.

[Despite the words, Zhao can probably feel the chill permeating from Toge's room.]

[seemagicshit]

Uh hunh. You need anything?

And can you give me names so if they arrive I know who to punch?

[fishflakes]

[Toge wants to reply that no, he doesn't really need anything, if only out of reflex. He's always just... handled things on his own, for the most part. So this sort of thing he's ready to reply thusly, build those walls up... but then Zhao's second comment actually makes him chuckle. A small, breathy one. And that makes him hesitate on flat-out refusal.]

I have no idea if anyone from my family would ever show up here, if they could.

[seemagicshit]

Yeah, kinda sucks. Not much you can do about where you were born into.

But you can always find one that's better. Trust me.

Sender: Ira

[iracorn]

[When most of your dreams exist to remind you of your guilt, it can be easy to forget that there are also those who have suffered. And far worse than him really.

All he can do is reach out.]

Are you alright?

[fishflakes]

[It takes some time for Toge to reply, needing some time to collect himself after such a nightmare. And after a moment, a shakily-written reply is sent back.]

Yeah. It was just a nightmare, that's all.

[iracorn]

[It's the response that Ira was expecting if he's being honest. But he's just glad there was one.]

That might be the case, but they seems a lot more visceral here.

I"m here if you need anythin.

[fishflakes]

[Definitely a lot more visceral than he was expecting, even if these kinds of nightmares have happened before. Normally he'd browse his phone or play a game to keep his mind off things and make him tired enough to fall back asleep, but that's not really an option here.]

[So after a pause, he replies to Ira.]

I guess I could use a distraction.

[iracorn]

I can try to offer one. I know the weather isn't the greatest, but I have ways of moving around if you want to be elsewhere.

Otherwise, I am fine just talking here

sender: lio

[piromare]

( a friend with nightmares that he can relate to in some way, that makes his blood run cold despite his body always being some level of extraordinarily warm. someone young with a kind of power that is fundamentally dangerous and requires such care. it means having to grow up quickly, have to deal with problems that are deeper than a surface level... that put the weight of lives on the shoulders of someone who shouldn't need to deal with it.

his heart feels heavy. )

Toge.

Do you think you're dangerous?

[fishflakes]

[Toge looks at the words for a long time, his thoughts racing. He knows that Lio knows about his technique, knows about the power it holds. A part of him wonders why Lio would even ask such a question. And a part of him wonders how honest he should be, if only to not pull Lio in further. But... Lio has become a friend for Toge, and Toge hates alienating the people who take the time to get to know him. So it's after a notable delay that Toge replies back.]

Cursed Speech is a dangerous technique even among jujutsu sorcerers. They're often targeted first due to the nature of their ability, and how it can affect their opponents.

[It's written in a way that feels more detached than Toge would normally describe something. Almost like it's not really a question of if, more like a statement of fact.]

[piromare]

( it's the kind of response he actually expects. something more analytical, no real emotion behind it. that it makes him physically ache to read it. he knows of the advantage that toge's voice could bring, but the detrimental effects... seeing that blood. )

I've seen and felt it. You've explained and demonstrated it before.

( but why would lio ask his first question? well. )

Are you your Cursed Speech, Toge? Is it the only thing that defines you?

[fishflakes]

[His Cursed Speech has been a part of him since he was born, and so it's always been a part of his life. It's what makes him so respected amongst other sorcerers, what makes him a formidable foe, what makes him a Semi-Grade 1 rank. Toge honestly couldn't even fully picture a life without his Cursed Speech; for him, it was as natural as his arms and legs.]

[But seeing that question from Lio actually gives him pause. He stares at the words, as few as they were, and for a moment doesn't reply. They just... take him by surprise, really.]

I don't think I've ever had anyone ask me that.

[piromare]

[ perhaps if lio didn't have those experiences in aefenglom... he wouldn't be speaking with such clarity. without the conviction of someone who had his everything stripped away and replaced with foreign, other things. ]

I think you'd be kind and good regardless. I don't know how strong all of your jujitsu sorcerers are, but despite everything you'd try your best to make your home better. Right?

[ it's the strongest that have the biggest burden when it comes to riding that line between lighting up the world or setting it ablaze and letting it turn to ashes. maybe he's being an idiot and believing in others too much, which he knows has put him in bad positions before, but... ]

Sender: Naminé (Private)

[lethechained]

[ On the one hand, the topic of his nightmare seems like such a sensitive one that Naminé hesitates to acknowledge having seen it. On the other, she feels a simultaneous obligation to address it - not because she feels that her opinion has any value in this situation but because of how keenly aware she is of the loneliness that being born so powerful can cause.

She's felt it her whole life, after all. ]

If that's how it happened, then I'm sorry.
No child should be treated like that.

[ Even if it didn't, the fact he dreamed it at all implies plenty about how he was brought up. It's hard to find the right words, but, ]

When you have a lot of power, so many other people always seem to have their own ideas about how it should be used.
But in the end, they're not the ones who have to try to control it.

(Private)

[fishflakes]

[Toge's had some time to calm down by the time he sees Naminé's reply, but he still hesitates to write something back. Even if nightmares had a tendency to twist and exaggerate reality, they still bear kernels of truth. He's just hesitant on how much he actually wants to admit.]

[But it looks like Naminé does seem to understand, in a roundabout way. So he does end up writing back a slow response.]

Yeah.
They weren't always harsh about it, but I always had to be reminded of how dangerous my power is if I accidentally cursed someone.
That's just how it is growing up with cursed techniques that can endanger people.

[He's not exactly defending his clan, but he's not exactly denying the dream either.]

(Private)

[lethechained]

[ It's hard to be sure how she ought to phrase her sympathy, her well-informed commiseration. She has her own doubts about just how much she ought to admit, no matter how unlikely Toge seems to mean her any ill even if he did find out how thoroughly she can relate. Pen in hand, she pauses, sighs. Then, ]

It's hard to forget when hurting someone else can happen because of such a small mistake.
Living that way, without being able to speak freely, it must already be on your mind a lot.
Even if they were responsible for teaching you, families are supposed to be kind to each other, too, aren't they?

[ Did he really need reminders, or such cold ones? Words hurt, whether they're spoken with the backing of a curse or not, and failure is sometimes a better teacher than criticism. She can't help but think of the figures in her own life who were cruel and heartless almost to the last man, and yet somehow it's worse to imagine being spoken to or about in that way by the beloved family she's never had. Still, a moment later she feels a tinge of regret, so, ]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't talk about things I wasn't there to see.

[ She only has her own experiences to go off with any legitimacy, so perhaps she ought to stick to those. (Then again, they're why she found this dream so upsetting.) ]

[fishflakes]

[He reads those words over a few times, tapping his pen on the side of his journal. Honestly, he's kind of touched that Naminé is even offering such sympathies, no matter how close or far from the point she may be. It's a comfort he hadn't been expecting, but one he appreciates nonetheless.]

It's okay. Honestly, I don't think I'm a good person to ask about what families are supposed to be like anyway.

[Jujutsu families were just... different from others, especially if they had powerful inherited techniques to cultivate. He honestly doubts if any of his classmates could claim to have a normal childhood... well, maybe Itadori, since he had been a normal person before becoming Sukuna's vessel. He thinks Nobara had a regular upbringing too, but... yeah. Two, out of the seven students currently at Jujutsu Tech. And that's not even counting the Kyoto branch, which... yeah, that doesn't exactly increase the numbers favourably.]

I guess it's just... hard to bring up sometimes. I thought I'd be over it since it's old news, is all.
I know how to control my powers now, and I haven't cursed someone by accident in a while.
I just wasn't expecting... well, a nightmare, I guess.

[lethechained]

[ Naminé spends the same pause in silence, unfidgeting as she mulls matters over. Sometimes it's harder to know what to say when you can relate - when no one else ever has managed to give you the right words for the same problems, so you have no place to start when it comes to providing comfort to someone else. But it's easy enough for her to admit her ignorance, so she doesn't take long to respond. ]

Me neither.
I've never had a mother or father or siblings, so I don't know very much about what it's really like.

[ Not firsthand, anyway. As for his other words, ]

Memories like that are a big part of who you are, aren't they?
Even if you don't think about them every day, your experiences still shape the way that you see everything else.
It's not so strange to dream about them once in a while.

[ Rather, he can be over them and yet dream of them all the same. The more she considers it, however... ]

Although, I've been having bad dreams lately, too.
Most of mine have been about the past, like yours was.
I'd rather not believe it, but maybe there's something unusual going on.