fifth entry ⊗ first dream: only in a dream

[flamekthunder]

Sender: Eustace
To: Everyone
Subject: Passive Dream Recording
Warnings: Death makes for a sad ending to an otherwise happy dream (no violent acts but there is a lot of heavy grief)
Notes: A dream depicting glimpses of a lone wolf at various stages of his life and eventually forming his own family until...

It begins with a vast snowy white landscape, so empty and barren save for a few bundles of trees that appear here and there. Atop a barren cliff lays a lone silver gray wolf, its right eye slightly scarred at its brow as if it had been burned, but it's subtle, just barely noticeable under the tufts of fur. As the wolf slowly opens its eyes, the right eye is a little duller compared to the bright blue of the left. But it can see just as well and it tracks the sudden movement below—of other wolves crossing the snowy plains, a few of them playing around and running freely with each other. It seems warmer down there, welcoming...yet the lone wolf remains at his perch, turning his head away as ice forms around him.

Time passes and what was once a barren snowscape has changed, pockets of grass and more trees poking through the snow. The wolf is now on the ground watching the others play around, but while he keeps his distance every so often one approaches to shove its head against his side, as if pushing the wolf to the group. The wolf grumbles, pinning his ears and baring his fangs...but he never attacks. Instead two smaller ones appear, one with blue tinted fur and another and orange red, and it's with their help that the lone wolf moves and is brought into the fold. There other wolves run out to greet him, each with their own distinct markings. The lone wolf still doesn't really participate, but he stays within the group, watching...and slowly his tail sways from one side to the other.

Like stop motion the trees grow, the grass spreads, and the number of wolves grow. The once lone wolf still doesn't really participate with their antics, but he appears calmer and more relaxed. He mostly stays on the edge, but he wanders through to be with the others, even letting the younger ones "tussle" with him. The cliff he once inhabited has turned into a mossy green and he hasn't returned to it in a long while. But when he looks out, there's a new wolf beyond the pack—black, female, with deep red eyes. He's wary at first, but she's welcomed into the fold like everyone else who has come through. When she passes by him, his eyes follow her, the scent of flowers lingering.

Once more time passes and the scenes pass quickly, all focused on the black wolf. Of her bothering the gray wolf and sticking to his side. Of her crying and he comforting her. Of him chasing and cornering her. Of quiet moments of them together. With each one, more snow disappears and the feeling of spring grows with the warm atmosphere, and his voice whispers in the breeze as each snapshot passes through.

Tifa, you are my partner now, and I want you to be there in my future. I told you before... You are the one I chose to be my partner for life. The one I chose to give my heart and soul to. No one else.

Tifa Lockhart.

The two wolves race through the snow, a black and silver blur leaving flowers in their wake.

Will you marry me?

Around their necks are matching necklaces: a metal dog tag and glowing charm, the moon on the black wolf and a star on the gray. They continue into the forest of trees, through a flower field bursting with colors—the sunlight dancing over them as petals swirl around them as the two wolves continue to frolic and play with each other, the remaining ice that had once surrounded the gray wolf completely melted away. Eventually they stop to rest against each other, and as he looks over at his mate, his blue eyes shine in a way they never have before. Soft, gentle, completely in love. Slowly they close, wrapped up in that beautiful bliss...

...And when they open, he finds himself staring at two small pairs of eyes, one red, one blue, their coats a darker gray. The pups' tails wag eagerly in the air as they bark.

Dad!
Yay he's awake!
Play with us!

At first he's confused—

Dad?

Who's dad?? But he hears the soft laugh and as he's shoved over onto the side by the pups, he looks over to see the black wolf sitting nearby with a smile, her red eyes shining in delight. Understanding crashes into him like a tidal wave, and while something in the back of his mind tries to warn him, there's a burst of light, the ground overflowing with flowers as he laughs and plays with the pups. His pups.

His family.

Things go by in a blur. Spending lazy days together, meeting and venturing with the original pack. It seems as if it all could end peacefully like this. ...But then there's a low rumble overhead, dark shadows overtaking the once sunny area. As lightning cracks high overhead as if to shatter the once picturesque sky, the pups whine and hide beneath his legs. It's just a storm and yet there's a chill in the air that causes every single hair to stand on end. One that makes them run, run before the darkness engulfs them, run to their home where they would be safe. But—

Where is she?

—the thought blares through his mind as they dash into the cave and everything goes dark.


Rain falls. It beats on the gray wolf who sits with his head hung low, his once vibrant blue eyes dull and lifeless, tears now ice frozen on his fur. In fact there's no color at all—it's all white, gray, and black. In front of him is the black wolf lying on her side, eyes closed. A dark pool spreads beneath her lifeless body, flecks of red breaking through the monochrome. Her necklace lies in shattered pieces, the beautiful glowing moon crushed, dull. Beside him the pups whine and try to move him, but he doesn't budge. He can't. The weight of loss chains him down—

I failed.
I failed to protect her...

I killed her.

Slowly he falls forward, his head landing lightly just above hers. As the rain turns to the snow, ice crackles and forms around him. At first he still hears the pups, but when he slowly cranes his neck he can see them fade away, disappearing into the ether. Because they were never real to begin with.

They never can be real, a dark voice whispers as the snow continues to slowly bury him. None of this is.

No longer is he a wolf, but Eustace cradling Tifa's lifeless body as it slowly disappears, the snow and ice almost completely covering him as the voice becomes heavier and more oppressive as it continues.

When you wake up, you will forget it all like you did before. When she wakes up she will leave you for another.

A dream. This is all just a dream.

All it ever will be.

[It's there that the dream will cut off as Eustace jolts awake.

Note: there will be some delay before Eustace responds but he'll at least be of...somewhat calm mind if a bit more reticent and giving shorter, curt answers. ]

Comments

[flamekthunder]

[He doesn't like her hiding away...but he doesn't force her and just stares at her, trying to not let the rise of distress get any higher than it already has.

From the sounds of it, she really had been part of his dream. Or at the very least, somehow was able to view it just from a different perspective. If it had only been the first part then it would have been fine, cute even. They could have had a much happier conversation. But if she was part of the last...did she feel the wolf's final moments? What happened in that part?

And at her question, he can only look at her with a slightly pained expression before he finally nods in confirmation.]

...Yes. ...It was us.

[Why they were wolves...he doesn't know. Dreams are like that, he supposes, either symbolic or just pure nonsense.]

[starshower]

[Her mind is still spinning, riddled with a hundred what's and why's and how's, but seeing the pain in his expression and feeling her heart sink right to the bottom of her soul, she wonders where to even start...

One thing at a time, she supposes... They can work their way through this together.

Tifa's fingers search around until they find his and she takes his hand in hers, and she lifts her face, only slightly, as worry flickers across it when she looks at him.]

And the pups...

[Or in this case, their pups...

There's a question that sits on the tip of her tongue, and it pools in her eyes as well. A question she isn't sure she should dare ask, but she asks it anyway.]

... Is there something going on there?

[Something that his subconscious is trying to tell him?]

[flamekthunder]

[His breath catches in his throat as he brings up the pups. Again this could have been more bittersweet than how it feels right now, but now it's just painful. He had accepted this because that's just what it is, but his dream, that nightmare just had to make it more brutal.]

That....

[It's not unusual for him to take some time to gather his thoughts to answer, but it is unusual for him to falter and hesitate so much. For his eyes to be unable to meet hers.

How...how does one broach this??? They joked about it before, albeit very subtly, but this is different. This harsh reminder of reality. So he ends up unable to say anything, any words dying in his throat as he remains tense, still unable to look at her.]

[starshower]

[It is unusual, and when he snaps his gaze away from her, she feels a pang of guilt and an ache in her chest. Hypocritical, of course, for her to feel that way when he does the exact thing she had been doing to him just now, but when Eustace falters like this, it hurts her to see, and her heart wants nothing more than to reach out to him, no matter how afraid she is to let him see that pain.

So, it does. Her hand comes up to his chin, and she gives it a light tap to guide his eyes back to hers.]

Hey...

[She tries to keep the pain out of her voice, but a sob finds its way through the cracks that have started to form in that resilient veneer she's put up.]

It's okay...

[Even if it is a terrifying thought, she wants to know. She wants to talk about the things that he might not even realize have bothered him. No matter what it is, Tifa isn't going to run away or love him any less.]

[flamekthunder]

[He can only look at her for a moment before his eyes close with a trembling sigh, his head tipping forward towards hers so that his bangs hang over his face, creating shadows that obscure his expression.

He doesn't want to voice it.

Doesn't want to hammer in the fact that those words at the end are right: this is all just one happy dream that will one day end.

At the same time, both of them had been working on being more honest and open with each other. As much as he would prefer to just bury this all inside and never speak of it, she's seen it (and later he'll come to know others did as well). He can't hide it from her. And it might even be unfair to her at this point.

So while he still doesn't look at her, he does slowly respond...

...

By pulling back and reaching over to his nightstand, pulling out a small unassuming box from the back of the drawer and holding it between them. He hesitates still before he finally takes off the lid and speaks.]

...This is from back during the Flower Festival, when we were sitting in that tree.

[Inside the box is a faded pink petal, and although it's a little blurry, it has the still image of the two of them together. A smaller figure is standing holding Eustace's hand while a small bundle is in Tifa's arms. It won't take much to figure out what the petal is depicting.

He still remembers so clearly how shocked he had been to see it at the time as it was definitely not something he considered at all. He loved Tifa, yes, but to be thinking of starting a family or anything like that with her? At least consciously he had no such thoughts because why would he? It was still early on in their relationship and while one day he would indeed like to have such a future, like with romance that kind of thing is at the bottom of the pile compared to more present pressing matters. A thought he might have had in passing but not something he thought deeply about.

But now...with his proposal and their desire for a real future with each other, it seems what was once just a passing thought or simple recognition of its existence is starting to creep its way up higher. Even if it would have still been a far future thing, it's something that would have been considered more seriously. A part of that peaceful, beautiful future they could have.

However...]

[starshower]

[She waits, patiently, breathlessly, as he reaches into the drawer of his nightstand to pull out that little box, her gaze flitting between it and his face. Tifa swallows, hard, not quite sure what to expect as he lifts the lid and when he does, she leans in close to peer inside, her fingers gently reaching for the box to hold it. When she sees what's resting at the bottom, her eyes go wide.

A... flower petal?

Her breath hitches in her throat when she sees the image it portrays and, faded as it is, she knows immediately the story that it's trying to tell. She can make out the little bundle in her arms, and a small figure reaching up to take Eustace's hand, and suddenly, everything starts to make more sense as much as it makes little to none at all as her head spins around the idea. She can't seem to take her eyes off it, and she's sure that she's stopped breathing now, gone completely still, but her blood roars in her ears, and her heart feels like it's about to leap right out of her chest.

She recalls then what she had seen in the petals as well... Tifa understood them to be like visions, or windows into one's heart—their deepest desires that they may never have given voice to otherwise, or even realized were there. She had seen, in hers, an image of herself in a long white veil, walking down a flowery aisle towards Eustace standing at an altar, as they sat together atop that tree and those petals fluttered around them.

And this... this is what he had seen? And he had kept it safe in this little box all this time? She can understand why he never told or shown her because if it were Tifa, she might have done the same, but there's still a twinge of sadness and remorse that he had to carry this thought with him on his own for so long...

A beautiful, bittersweet thought of a future that they wish they could have together. But she knows...]

Eustace...

[That façade of hers shatters, as does her heart, into a thousand little pieces around her. Tifa aches for him, longs for a future with him where they could one day imagine themselves in this image. She would be lying if she said she'd never once thought about it, or that it never crossed her mind even in passing, but here is this unsuspecting yet painful reminder of their circumstances...

She doesn't know what to say, and only the smallest of sobs escapes her when her gaze finally reaches his face again, and she can see that same pain reflected back at her in those stunningly blue eyes of his. He's hurting, more than she ever knew he was... and for once in her life, Tifa doesn't know what to say to comfort him.

So, her forehead falls against his in silent comfort as they hold that precious box together between them.]

... Thank you for showing me this.

[It's all she can manage for now, because what else is there to? She can't promise him that it will be all right, or that one day, they could have this. As much as she wants to give him everything, Tifa knows that she can't. This wish of a future they hold so delicately in their hands is just that—a wish, engraved into a single petal from a flower...

Tears spring up in Tifa's eyes at that stark realization, and they trickle into the box, over the silky petal.]

You know... You know that I want this too...

[flamekthunder]

[His chest tightens as the tears fall, knowing she would react this way. It's one of the big reasons why he just kept it to himself, not wanting to upset her. This is definitely not how he ever wanted to touch on this topic. If this place wasn't just a dream world...if they weren't fragments of their original selves...if there wasn't the threat of either of them suddenly disappearing... If if if—it's so frustrating and there's nothing they can do about it.

Overwhelmed with a mix of emotions, he pulls her into a tight embrace, the box slipping out from between them to tumble onto the sheets.]

...I'm sorry.

[Sorry for having her see this, sorry he can't do anything about it, sorry he can't give them what they both want but can't.

There are many different ways to have a family, and he will be more than content, happy even, with whatever kind they form here. Between friends, strangers, even taking in anyone who might need someone to look after them. It's not like he ever had some grand dream about starting one of his own—hell, he never imagined himself getting this far. So to realize that somewhere deep down inside he harbored these kinds of wishes...it's a lot.

And now he's dragged Tifa into it.]

[starshower]

[She's surprised when he pulls her in so suddenly, but her arms immediately take him, wrapping around as she buries her face into his shoulder with quiet sobs. He'll feel the wetness of her heartbreak as the tears fall freely at his apology, as if this is all his fault. Tifa is, without a shred of doubt, happy with where she is now. She is happy with what they have, and his love is more than enough to get her through anything and everything that this world throws at him, but she can feel that little bud of a wish starting to form.

Maybe not now, maybe not even in the next year, but she'd wish for at least the possibility of it, someday, in the distant future...

That feeling that she—the black wolf—had as she watched her pups leap around and play with their father was a feeling unlike anything she's ever experienced. It was an unconditional love so powerful and profound that she never thought possible. The love she feels now never could hold a candle to that singular moment in time... and the worst, most heartbreaking part of it is that those were not her own feelings, but the wolf in that dream...

Even if she was, in some magical way, Tifa.]

Please don't.

[She finally whispers it against his skin.]

Don't be sorry. We never asked for this... You didn't do anything wrong.

[flamekthunder]

I know, but...

[A heavy sigh as he buries his face against her shoulder.]

We've been through this enough already. ...And this isn't how I wanted us to talk about any of this.

[One day—he really would have shown her one day, maybe after the wedding, but not now. Not like this. Not with such an ominous and heavy cloud over it all.

And most of all...he never wanted to make her so upset.]

[starshower]

[The thing she hates most in this world is seeing him this upset. Just when she thought this world has battered and broken him enough, it's almost like it needs to prove that it can do more. Tifa wishes she could say she'd be fine, but as long as she has to watch him like this, she isn't so sure anymore if she will be. She could hold fast against her own turmoil and pain—she has for five years, but having to watch the person she loves suffer through theirs when there isn't much she can do to stop it is a whole other beast that claws at her from the inside. She can't make the dreams go away, or change the way this world works...

All she can do is hold him close and pray that it will be over soon...]

I know. Me too...

[She would have liked to talk about it under happier circumstances too, but... looking at it now, is there any moment when this could have been a happy conversation? If it's something that they wish they could have one day but know they couldn't...

This is just how it's always going to be with them, isn't it?]

We don't have to talk about that right now. Another time...

[flamekthunder]

[The very idea that she might have also wanted to talk about it—he's not sure if it makes him feel better or worse so he just sighs and doesn't respond at first, only absorbing the warmth that she always provides him while also hoping he's offering the same for her.

But after a few moments he speaks again.]

...Let's head out.

[starshower]

[She's okay with sitting here together for as long as they both need. Her heart is still thumping in her chest, and her breaths still tattered despite her best efforts to steady herself, her heart still in pieces around them as she frantically tries to pick herself back up. To put herself back together so that he can lean on her...

But when he speaks, Tifa pulls back, a curious look in her eyes as she scans his face.]

Hm? It's hardly morning. Are you sure?

[Even through the curtains, she can tell that the sun's barely started to come up, but after a moment's deliberation, a warmth settles into her expression. He probably doesn't want to stay here after that. She knows she wouldn't. It feels so dark and so cold in here, with them being the only thing to keep each other warm.]

Where should we go?

[flamekthunder]

Mm... Should we go to the waterfall? We might be able to catch the sunrise on the way.

[Really, anywhere would do, but it really is cold and dark here. And while it may be good to just sit and...wallow in their feelings, he feels suffocated and that old instinct to just leave to collect his thoughts elsewhere is very strong right now. Not to run away, just—a different place. A change of scenery.

He also...may be deliberately trying to get them to leave so their tree doesn't start giving away what's going on here. He still hasn't realized that this dream has been collected into the crystal lanterns, so once he does he'll even want to be away from their home even more for now.]

[starshower]

[Although the room is cold, her hand as it comes to rest against his cheek, thumb tracing an adoring line over it, is as warm as can be, the touch tender and careful, deliberate. She can feel that ache beginning to rise again, that need to wrap herself around him and hold onto him, to anchor herself back in reality and not where she'd been laying in his arms, but maybe that isn't what either of them need right now.

They will need to talk about it, and she would like to once they get there, but for now, she'll smile and swallow it down, and will give him anything in this world that he asks for.]

Okay. Let's go there.

[Their special, secret place.]

We can grab the horses and head out for the day? Want me to pack us anything?

[flamekthunder]

[He briefly thinks it over.]

Some food might be for the best.

[Even if he doesn't have an appetite right now, maybe the small excursion will have work up one as well as clear his mind a bit.]

[starshower]

[There's a pause as she looks him over, the worry in her gaze clear even in the darkness of the room.

Food... She doesn't have much of an appetite either, but if anyone is going to need to eat by the time they get out there, it's him.]

... Just take your time getting up, okay? I can get everything ready for us.

[There's a tentativeness in her movements as she leans in close to him, and presses a tender, brief kiss to his lips.]

Don't worry about it.

[flamekthunder]

[A small, helpless look as he gives a small shake of his head.]

I'll help. ...I prefer to be moving.

[And even she says not to worry about it, it'll still be on his mind.]

[starshower]

[Usually, she would protest. She'd tell him to take it easy, to not push himself. This time, she doesn't. Instead, she mirrors his helpless look with one of her own—a crooked, almost nervous smile, but it disappears when she leans in to press a loving, reassuring kiss to his cheek.]

Okay.

[Tifa's voice carries the weight of her patience, but it's heavy with something else as well. Sadness, dread, and all of her concern being balled up into a lump that's growing in her throat, making it harder for her to keep her voice steady. Slowly, she slips the covers away and slides to the edge of the bed on his side, her eyes resting on him for a moment before they move to the window, peering through the crack in the curtains at the very early hints of sunrise.

And she takes him by the hand to help ease him out of bed with her, the sleepiness still settled in her own bones that it takes her a moment to stand firmly on her own feet, but when they're up, she rests her body against his in a hug.]

I'll start some coffee. Do you wanna pack some fruits? Maybe a few sandwiches for later?

[flamekthunder]

[He watches her move, his thoughts still melancholic and heavy as he continues to think about the dream. There are so many points, but the ending in particular has hit him the most. So when she pulls him up, he wraps his arms around her, closing his eyes as he once again takes in her warmth and scent, faintly feeling her heartbeat—things that remind him that she's right here with him.]

...Mm. I'll wash up first.

[Maybe some cold water will help.

Though again, his words and actions seem to contradict each other as he ends up holding onto her instead.

Just a dream he keeps telling himself...but it's hard to shake when those words keep haunting him.]

[starshower]

[Once again, she doesn't protest. She prefers this, in fact... The thought of separating from him for even a moment to clean up or to pack some food pains her to inexplicable ends. Tifa just wants to remain right here holding him until she can chase away all the demons that lurk beneath his skin, clawing at him from the inside. Hold him until she can lure them out and fight them herself...

So, she's patient, and she allows her arms to wrap around him a little tighter, allowing him the time he needs before they inevitably have to part. Her lips rove over his chest, planting tender kisses and sleepy whispers against it, that need to reassure him too great for her to ignore...

But they can't stay there forever, and she can feel that cold dread starting to snake its way back into the space between them, the thoughts and the images creeping forward in her mind, and she wonders if it's the same for him as they stand there wrapped up in each other in silence, that tension slowly growing taut all over again.

Tifa gives him a little nudge with her hand on his back.]

Hey. Let's get ready...

[flamekthunder]

[There's a drawn out breath as he feels her lips, and while normally this would stir a heat that would send them back to bed, he just finds it comforting, wanting more of that close affection.

But...she's right. They need to get moving. As comforting as it is to cling to each other like this, it also brings everything back. So while he doesn't want to separate from her, a little bit of separation might be exactly what they need right now—so that when they join again they can remember that there is exactly that: reunion. That they won't disappear within the next moment.

So he first drops a kiss on her forehead and then her lips before slowly pulling away.]

I'll be out soon.

[Any other day this would just be a normal remark. Now, however, it almost feels like a promise.]

[starshower]

I'll be here.

[And a promise right back at him, as her fingers chase after him when he pulls away, her body not quite ready to let him go just yet.

She'll wait until he disappears into the bathroom before she gets dressed and heads for the kitchen to start the coffee and set out what he will need to make some sandwiches for later. He had said he wanted to help, and while Tifa could easily finish it all within minutes, she doesn't want to take that away from him either. So, by the time he comes out, the house will smell like freshly brewed coffee, and she'll be finishing up cutting fresh fruits and vegetables to pack up into small baggies and containers for breakfast. It's not much, but she figures something healthy will help start their day off on a better foot than it's on now...

Moving around really has helped to recenter her focus elsewhere, though. She's at least glad for that, even if she is still a bit sleepy. Anything for him, though.]

I think that's just about everything we'll need. How do you feel?

[flamekthunder]

[After splashing cold water in his face and taking a few minutes to himself, Eustace is able to at least clear his mind a bit as he hoped he would. The dream... All it really did was once again remind him of his fears, of the uncertainties and realities of their situation.

It's nothing new.

Each time it comes up it's painful, but surely it's about time that he learns to "brush it off" a little more easily. Hadn't he done so before? Lock unnecessary worries and unwanted feelings so he can continue to move forward? So what if what they have right now can only exist in a dream—it's better than not having it at all, isn't it? It's natural to feel greedy for more, but he knows his limits. Knows their reality.

So he doesn't need to be shaken up so much by this anymore.

...That's what he tells himself, anyway. But he's only human and his once locked heart is once more awakened and vulnerable to these kinds of pains and griefs that he had tried to shield himself from before.

After taking several steadying breaths, he shakes his head to shake away the voice and the heavy dread that still grips his shaken heart before he looks up at himself in the mirror—and flinches when he feels a sharp sting on his shoulder. Idly he rubs it, frowning a bit and wondering if he somehow pulled something, but then stiffens when he sees the faint traces of black ice frosting over it. It's then that he remembers it's the exact same place he had been directly hit back in the moonscape.

...Is it still there? Did he accumulate more nightmare energy because of his dream?

Quickly he grips the spot and focuses on all the love and happiness he's had with Tifa, and slowly that warmth melts the frost so that it's gone...but he can still feel a dull ache. Wiping his face, he purses his lips as he quickly tries to regain his thoughts. He can't let this progress any further than it has. Can't let this get to him.

After taking several more breaths he steps out of the bathroom and quickly dresses before stepping out and heading towards the kitchen. And seeing Tifa there cutting up and packing the fruits is what instantly calms him. Instantly banishes those troublesome thoughts that are only getting to him because he was in a vulnerable state.

He's stronger than that. He can deal with it. For her. For them.

Without bothering to hide his footsteps, he approaches behind her and wraps his arms around her waist, his lips immediately fall onto her neck as he hugs her close.]

...Better.

[Now that he's with her again.]

[starshower]

[She braces herself against the counter when his weight suddenly rests over her, caging her in place, and she huffs back at him with a little, relieved laugh because she, too, feels much better now that he's here. Tifa had spent all those minutes fretting and wondering about him, her stomach twisting itself into knots for what felt like an eternity when she heard the water running in the other room, but she would try to focus instead on slicing the vegetables or the sweeter scent of the coffee.

Popping the lid on the fruits, she leans her head back against his shoulder, humming her approval, but using this moment to hide the worry in her face.]

I'm glad.

[Hearing his voice say the word is enough of a relief for now, underscored by the thought that he doesn't have to leave her side again.]

I left the sandwiches for you.

[flamekthunder]

All right.

[He remains with her a moment, nose lightly nuzzling her as he takes in the scents of fruit and coffee that have started to settle into her skin before he steps back to work on those sandwiches. Just because he wants to be near her doesn't mean it's necessarily healthy to be so clingy. Granted, right now is an exception.]

Want anything in particular?