໒꒱ 002 journal text

[lemoncandy]

Sender: Anonymous
To: Everyone
Subject: "Before" vs "now"

What do you do if you don't know where "home" is? If no one wants you, and you're stuck here anyway...

I've been thinking about the people I've left behind and keep wondering if I even want to go back. If they'd even really want me back.

I've never really belonged anywhere, and this place isn't all that different, but... at least there's someone who seems to care. But I thought that before, too.

I don't know what to think. I don't know why I'm even writing this.

Comments

Sender: Aerith Gainsborough

[inheritedearth]

[Oh, boy. This is the kind of existential stuff she's all about.]

I think... that home is what you make of it. It's not something someone else can decide for you, but what you choose for yourself. Wherever makes you feel happiest.

Do you think this place could become 'home' to you?

[lemoncandy]

How could it be that simple? If the place you've wanted to belong for most of your life would hate who you really are, then how can you just "choose" it? If they'd chase you out, or kill you, how could you possibly be happy?

I don't know about this place. I've been hiding away from everyone, trying not to get too involved. I've been so focused on where I came from that nothing feels right.

[inheritedearth]

Putting it that way might sound simple, but I know it's easier said than done. It's hard to be different, isn't it? To feel like you don't belong, to know that nobody really understands you.

[She doesn't know if people knowing more about the real her would make her unwanted, but she imagines some of it might scare people off. People fear what they don't understand. They don't like things that are different.]

You said there's someone here who seems to care. Let's start there. Sometimes the people are what make a place what it is, too.

Sender: Malon

[ranchgirl]

[ Although Malon has never felt this way, this sounds like something some of her friends might think, transient as they are. ]

I'd be willing to bet that you've got at least one person back in your world who really misses you and wants you to come back.

[lemoncandy]

I don't know... I hurt them pretty badly.

What about the person who might miss me here?

[ranchgirl]

Maybe they'll forgive you for whatever happened. Sometimes people do things that hurt us, but we still care about them anyway.

[ She pauses to consider his question. ] Well, what about them? Sorry, I know that sounds rude, but what I mean is: how would that make you feel? Do you want them to miss you?

Sender: Husk

[grumpface]

I know what it's like to be stuck in some shithole with no escape. A lot of people say that you never truly appreciate what you have until they're gone. The least you could do is accept your fate. It's what I did.

Don't do what I did. Take a couple of deep breaths and reexamine everything here. Think about whether they're good or bad. And how much you would care should you lose this place.

[lemoncandy]

I can't tell if you're telling me I should think about this place as home or the other one.

I've been thinking about the things I care about. But I'm thinking about who cares about me, too. I'm something that shouldn't exist.

Sender: Link

[timesensitive]

You'd have to be a pretty terrible person if no one wanted you around at all, I think.

I would consider 'home' to be somewhere I'd be the happiest returning to or spending time in.

[lemoncandy]

Do you think anyone who's unwanted by a group is terrible?

I guess I don't know where I'm happiest.

Sender: Naminé

[lethechained]

[ Ah. Well, those sound like familiar problems, don't they...? Sympathy's enough to encourage her to speak up this time around. ]

For some of us, "home" isn't as simple to define as it is for others.
But I think if you give yourself enough time, you'll know for sure one day.
There's no rule that says it has to be the world that you came here from.

[ It sure isn't that cut and dried for her at this point. ]

Knowing what other people think of you isn't always easy either.
Sometimes they're kinder and more forgiving than you think they should be.
What makes you so certain that they don't want you around?

[lemoncandy]

Let's say that I'm a cat, living with a bunch of cats. Their entire purpose is hating dogs. They want to kill any dog they see, and send out groups of the cats to do just that.

But secretly, I've been part dog all along. Part dog, part... cat? I guess? This is stupid.

But I can't stay with the dogs OR the cats, because they only want to kill each other. Dogs shouldn't be able to procreate with cats in the first place, so why should a half dog half cat exist and be anything but a monster?

Sender: Kratos

[flamberge]

You're writing this because you're likely seeking affirmation of what choice to make, of whether you ought to stay here or return if given the choice.

Most of us here will be unable to give you the answer you seek. Each person's definition of home will differ, as will their logic on whether or not to return, and your thoughts will be further muddled.

Which is why I'll pose a question to you instead: what is your definition of 'home' and 'belonging'?

[lemoncandy]

I don't know. I've never belonged anywhere. I was abandoned after I was born with weapons meant to hurt me. I was raised like something disgusting that shouldn't exist.

And when I escaped there and went to a new place, a place I thought I belonged... It just made me feel more and more like I didn't, actually. I lied to myself and kept saying that I did, but it didn't make that feeling go away.

I don't even know if my ( Manager... That's too obvious to say, though. Um. ) father figure actually likes me.

Sender: Joshua

[empyreancatastrophe]

You've received a lot of good counsel already.

If I may add my own, it would be that it is possible to have more than one home. The heart has infinite room for both people and places. I know not your circumstance, but I do know this to be true.

I also know it is true that to help feel like one belongs, they must carve a spot in their new home. A place just for them, surrounded by those who they keep in their company. Those who care. It seems as though you have a good start.

[lemoncandy]

Carve a spot, huh...

I've kind of been hiding away and keeping to myself. But there is one person who was with me even before all of that. Is one person enough to be "home?" What if they don't agree with you? Where does it leave you?

Sender: Frisk

[stilljustyou]

I think that home can be where someone important is.

If you've made an important friend here, then... maybe this can be your home.

[lemoncandy]

Do you think that importance has to be shared both ways?

What if people are important to me, but I'm not as important to them as I want to be?

I thought I had important people in both places. But I don't know.

sender: Zuko

[rediscovering]

Maybe you're not meant to belong anywhere. That isn't innately a bad thing.
Maybe your destiny has more in store for you than home and friendship.

1/2

[lemoncandy]

( Shealtiel, who has been essentially hiding away in his room every day, is completely caught off guard by Zuko being back. Now this is awkward!! )

[lemoncandy]

What does that... mean? How are you supposed to live when you don't belong anywhere? Isn't that lonely?

sender: sephiroth

[sefirot]

Why does having a "home" matter? Exist for yourself, everything else is irrelevant.

[lemoncandy]

I have been existing for myself.

But it gets lonely. What's the point in existing for myself if there's nothing to exist for? I shouldn't even exist in the first place.

Sender: Futaba Sakura

[mwehehe]

If you have at least one person who cares here, that's better than an unhappy place to be, right?

You don't have to go back to somewhere you don't want to if you don't want to, either. Where would you be happiest?

[She has... some unfortunate knowledge of being in a place where she was unwanted.]

[lemoncandy]

I don't know. Things are complicated in both places for different reasons. I feel like there's still things I need to take care of where I came from...

But I also think it's going to make it hard to live there. I can't know for sure, though...